fuck off motherfuckers
/v/ isnt about friendship
I'm going to kick your ass faggot. You think you're tough? lets see how tough you are with a couple rounds from my .45 lodged in your skull. Kinda hard to talk shit when I've blown half your face off. You better watch yourself faggots, I work for the fucking CIA, if I want you dead, you are dead. Its that fucking simple. Watch your god damned fucking mouth. I have over 30 years military training, I would rip your spine out while raping your fucking mother up her dried up old skanky cunt. I would then proceed to bundle up what remains of your body and shove my 12 inch cock down your throat and skull fuck you till my cum oozes from every hole in your body. Watch your fucking back. I'm coming for you.

Allright, /b/, it's time to get something off my chest in the one place I won't be held accountable in any way, shape or form. half the people reading won't beleive it, and the other half couldn't do anything about it if they wanted to (which they don't), so I'm safe here in the legions.

When I was in junior high, I had a reputation for being a serious goody-goody. I didn't have many friends, except for the other goody-goodies, and even though I wasn't religious I spent most of my time with the religious clubs just because they didn't care that I wasn't interested in drinking and doing drugs and related shit. Anyone who was even remotely 'cool' generally hated my guts, and I spent most of my time reading or playing games at home, alone (my mom worked evenings, and dad lived in a different state). Because I had a reputation for being such a good quiet kid, our neighbor asked if I would start babysitting her daughter after school. She didn't get home until late, and didn't like 'becky' being alone. I didn't want to, because it would cut into my emo loser time, but my mom didn't really give me a choice, and at least it was a little extra cash ($3 a day). Before I go any further, I'm not setting up a trap here, I'll say it straight. This is about sex and yes I'm a horrible person.

The girl was only 7 years old. She wasn't retarded, but she was very, very, very dim. As in "just smart enough not to be in special ed but is still eating her notebook one page at a time" kind of dim. From what I knew, she didn't really have any friends outside of school, and with good reason. All kids are kind of air-headed and bizarre, but it was hard to put up with her stupidity. She couldn't suceed at anything, I can't remember her ever doing anything right. She tripped and fumbled and couldn't play the simplest fucking games and could barely add two numbers let alone subtract, ect, ect.

Anyway, after two months of putting up with that shit, I pretty much ignored her. I was obligated to make sure she ate something and didn't hurt herself, and that's all I did. When she was busy with something, I'd head to the bathroom or my bedroom to explore that new fangled 'masturbation' thing I'd discovered. I liked it better when she wasn't there, because I could masturbate at the computer (lawl 28 k dialup porn), but when you first figure out how to bust one, you're pretty much orgasming from undoing your zipper, you don't need porn. Well one day, seems like out of the blue, Becky starts to cry. And I mean real, child-like, sobbing, 'can't breath' cry. Despite being sick of putting up with her crap, I didn't hate the little ditz, I just didn't want to spend my afternoons making sure she puts her left shoe on her left foot. So I tried to comfort her, asked her what's wrong. She asks me, broken through her crying, why no one likes her and why she can't do anything right. My heart's breaking, because, well, shit, what can I say to the little moron? She CAN'T do anything right :-\. I'm hugging her and rocking her and all that, but I'm at a loss for what to say. She goes on, choke, sob, sob, she's never going to get married because no one will ever like her enough. I finally manage to say what seemed like the intelligent reply. "Boys don't like girls because they're smart, they like girls because of kissing and stuff like that". She did start crying a little less at that, but she said something about not knowing how to kiss.

And here's why I'm a horrible person. I'm holding this crying loli, afraid she'll never get anyone to ever love her, convinced she's utterly worthless. And my dick gets rock hard. And the only thought going through my brain, over and over, is "I can get away with this". I know, I suck, beleive me I know. I've got a rock in my stomach from remembering it, and I know there's a special place in hell for guys like me. But my dick is rock hard just remembering it, and it's in charge most of the time. Sucks to be me I guess.

I'm not going to get into explicit details, because you can find those on any spank-story site around. But from that point on, my relationship with 'becky' was about sex, compeltely and utterly. I convinced her that I could show her how to do the stuff she needs to be good at to make a boy marry her someday, and convinced her that it was a huge huge secret only between me and her, and that she could never tell anyone, ever. I started with as much restraint as I could possibly muster, basically playing doctor. Touching each other, kissing, making out. She seemed to like everything we did, not so much because it was good, but because it was attention (and friendly attention). I progressed to fingering her, and fingering her pooper, oral sex (eating her... I tried to do a good job from what I learned online) and having her blow me. Tragically, she actually wound up really good at what we did. You don't have to be a mastermind to suck cock, and because she was so eager to pelase/lonely/generally dimwitted, she did absolutely anything I suggested. She always swallowed, unless I wanted to cum on her (and I usually fed her the cum anyway if I did), and she never told anyone.

With the horrible horrible knowledge available online, and the sheer perversity of a teenager with a sentient sex toy, things got more and more kinky. Interestingly, she never once put up a fuss or objected or resisted in any way. I was showing her how to make a husband happy, spending time with her, and she just went along with it with a smile and a general air-headed friendliness. She sucked on my feet, eventually I moved on to having her rim me and rimming her back. I did fuck her frmo time to time, even though that hurt her a little she still went along with it, and I always used lube and was gentle. Yeah, I stuck it in her pooper too, don't worry /b/. Basically, I spent all that time raising her to be an utter whore. Things followed a fairly consistent pattern for a solid 5 years. I watched her when there was no one else to, made a little cash, and used the hell out of her in any way I wanted to, constantly. Even when I wasn't doing something specific, she was usually in various stages of dress or undress, or doing something 'arousing' or sexual, playing with herself because I wanted her too, wearing phallic shaped objects inside of her.

This came to a sudden, and screeching halt when she turned 12 (and I was 17). She'd never told a single soul about what we did together, but when she started going through puberty, learning more about sex, and specifically about sexual predators, something in her brain clicked and she realized I was the bad guy. From then on, she absolutely hated my guts, with a passion. Amazingly, she never told anyone, or at least never told anyone of consequence, or never told anyone in a way that affected me. She just avoided me and told me she wished I would die, ect. It sucked, I lost my sex toy and made an enemy, but it could have been a lot worse for everything I did. But that's not the end of the story, not by a long shot.

I didn't see her for 4 years, except in passing (which always included a dirty look and hateful glare). In that time, she tried to kill herself twice, went 'goth', and started hanging around with the faggy vampire kids who aren't interesting enough to be choosy about their friends. black clothes = you're okay. The four years were basically uneventful for me. I was in a pretty intense state of paranoia at the start, livnig every day as if I were going to end it in a prison cell when she decided to bring the hammer down, but the paranoia died the longer time went by. I graduated highschool, ddidn't go to college out of apathy, got a somewhat decent but not fullfilling job, and was just another person out there with all the other people. By that time I had a few friends, and would occasionally go out drinking with them, finally loosened up and started acting generally normal. Well, when I was 21, I was at a halloween party, doing the whole 'being drunk automatically means a good time' thing. And I see her. The party was fairly big, so I shouldn't have been surprised to find out that some of the people there were underaged. I had a somewhat akward night, my paranoia renewed by the close proximity. I mean really. If she'd pointed at me and said "THAT GUY MOLESTED ME WHEN I WAS 7", it would have turned into an ugly fucking night for me. Thankfully, she avoided me just like I avoided her, and around 2 am, with the party petering out a little, I started to head out.

Annnnd there she was /b/. On the curb, tiny little vampire girl, crying her eyes out. Her ride had ditched her, prettyt consistent behavior, as her group of friends were really only 'friends' because she kept following them the best she could (I found this out talking to her later). It was just like that day when she was 7, and I was trying to console her while she was crying. I wanted to be somewhere else, but I didn't want to see her suffer. So i approached, really really timidly, and offered to help if she needed anything. She almost flipped out, but she wound up just sinking back into her crying. She said she needed a ride home, I offered one, she said she'd rather slit her wrists and bleed to death in the gutter. I didn't saying anything. I just went and sat in my car. After a few minutes, she got up and got in the passenger side, still crying.

She was the first one to break the silence, telling me that she didn't hate me. She kept repeating "I just don't know what to do". I didn't ask, I just tried to make comforting noises and generally tried to soothe whatever she was going through. She went on about how no one liked her, everyone treated her like crap, she was useless, she couldn't do anything right, she gave sex to everyone but no one liked her for it, they just told her she was a slut and treated her like one. I wish I could say that listening to her didn't make my dick hard. I wish I could say that listening to this poor girl suffer through a lifetime of emotional, sexual, and social abuse made me empathize and feel pity for her, but I'd be lying. Her pain turned me on. It always had. I don't know why /b/, I've never been like that with anyone or anything else. I don't like the really mean-spirited porn, I don't fantasize about abusing other girls, I'm otherwise normal. but this girl being treated bad made my prick start leaking like a faucet. I really don't know why, and yes I know how awful that is :-\.

After driving for a while, we pulled up in the alley behind her house. I had moved out and gotten an apartment, but obviously I knew where she lived. We sat there in the quiet dark for a while, and I turned to her and put my hand on her shoulder. She was still crying a little. Then she reached down, unzipped my pants, and started blowing me. Just like that. Because she WAS a slut.

Because I'd raised her to be one.

We never officially talked about it, and I never asked her out or anything, but from that point on, she's been my girlfriend. She dropped out of highschool and moved in with me the next year, when she was 17. We have an extremly emotionally unhealthy relationship. She isn't going to get any education, and I don't want her to. Deep down, I want her to stay useless. She works as a checker at a grocery store, and spends the rest of her time as my fucktoy. The sick part is, she's happier and more content than she ever has been, simply because she has a place to be and someone who wants her for something. We don't have a very normal sex life. Most of what we do would be considered abusive, even though she goes along with it. I share her with my friends a lot, she spends most of her time with something sexual going on. Even when she goes to work I usually put something in her pussy, just because I feel like it. And it's getting worse. I keep wanting to find more degrading and abusive things to do to her. After a while, I started putting her in the bathtub and pissing on her. A while after that, I made her start drinking it. I've been leaving beastiality porn easy to find on our computer. We haven't talked about it, but I know she's seen it. Even still, she says she'll do anything I want her to.

/b/, I don't even LIKE beatiality. It doesn't turn me on. I just want her to fuck a dog because I want her to feel worthless and used. That's how deep this runs in me. No one, in either of our families, knows how depraved and horrible our relationship is. They assume we're normal, and around them, we act normal.

Here's the real kicker though /b/. When I lay in bed at night, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep while she's curled up against my chest and snoozing gently, I feel horrible for it all. I don't want to be like this. I want to scoop her up and wash away every bad thing that's ever happened to her, and treat her like a good sweet girl, and make her know that I love her. I want to stop all of this. i want to be good.

But even when I'm laying there, quietly crying so I don't wake her up, wishing I could love her like everyone else doesn't, I think about doing bad things to her, think about her crying and feeling horrible, and my dick still stands at attention. her suffering turns me on. It has from the first day, and it always will. 

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Right, thats it, I've called the cops, called the Fire Department, called pizza hut, called the USN, called the Royal Navy, called the Red Army, called the FBI. called the CIA, called Interpol, called the KGB, called the USMC, called the USAF, called the Royal Air force, called MI 6, called Scotland Yard, called the US National Guard of every state, called NYPD, called Obama, called the Queen, called Putin, called David Cameron, called every Governor of every US State, used my time phone to call Winston Church hill, As well as Hitler, Stalin, Theodore Roosevelt, George Washington, Montezuma, ever Caesar, and Gilgamesh, called US Army, called British Army in every era, called every phone sexline, called papa john's, called the US Coast Guard, called my State Senators, called my Senators, called every republican in the US, called Dr. Who, called the Pope, called my local Gang lords, called the State Patrol of ever state west of the Mississippi, called all of my local news channels, called Star Fleet, called The Sun, called The national enquirer, called CNN, called Scot Pelly, called Steven Colbert, called half of the Mexican Drug Cartels, called Nintendo, called the Japan Maritime Self-Defense Force, called the head of the Illuminati, called ever free mason, called bilderberg, called my neighbors, called the mayor of ever city in France, called my mom, called the Emperor of Man, and called every school district in Canada. You're goin' to jail punk

1. Everything humans make is fundamentally flawed and imperfect. Nature can never be imperfect, nature is life and everything that is evolved over a longer period of time an more dramatically than technology literally has the capability to given how infinitely late it came. Technology is and forever will be fundamentally inferior to nature.

2. The perfection and omnipotence that nature is made life dynamic. If you started a game at the highest level and with everything completed, what the fuck would you be playing? Nothing. In a life where you have all of these "gimmie" "powers," there's nothing to work towards. Your life is meaningless entirely. Everything that can be done will be done, and you will have nothing to live for. At most, you'll live for improving the flawed technology your own being is based on. You'll find misery in the knowledge you're fundamentally imperfect and replace emotion too. Then you're literally a robot, feeling nothing, and human life ceases entirely.

both assuming that none of the following are true:

3. The producer of said technology will have backdoor access to whatever part of your being this technology "augments," including complete control over its functionality and complete unpreventable surveillance of your person.
4. EMP can disable you

5. The technology will be flawed, bugged, crash, generally more cancerous than cancer itself without the ability to fight given crashing is definite: no computer that's crashed entirely simply works again. It's instant, permanent, and would require replacement that, on such a level, would be deemed impossible. So, you can die at any time with no hope.

our limitations are what make life worth living
we have everything to work towards
and if we evolve on our own by selective breeding
we can improve permanently
not temporarily

and what makes nature so witty is that even when you have the biological advantage
you still have to play the game to win it
nothing is handed to you
meaning

Hi.
It's your good friend Jack Empty here.
If you're reading this, then you people on /x/ were so crazed for these stories that you all emptied my stash of it in no less than two nights.
Because of that, you get a reward, a link to downloading all of my spooky stories, freaky fables, creepy chronicles and terrifying tales.
Now, in here you will find what now should be a hundred and eleven stories, the first being 'The Song And Dance Man', the last being 'Camping'.
Well, what else can I say? Those were a fun couple of nights, and I truly believe I've kept at least one of you bastards up until the sun shone safety into your homes.
Some of you asked me where did I find all of these storied? Sentences like 'Oh, my god Jack, you're God on earth, where did you find all of those?', 'Jack, dear Lord, you give me such a boner, but where did you find all of these?'
and, 'Jack, please marry me, I'll be a good little pet, but where did you find so much?' appeared quite often, so I'll tell you my secret:
First and foremost, save what you like whenever you see it, keep it organized and properly named in a folder so you don't get confused and fuck shit up.
second, lurk a lot, there's possibilities of new pasta everyday. I'm  not telling you to become like a retarded /b/tard that spends all his hours either sleeping, eating, masturbating or lurking, do it in good measure and you'll be fine.
Third, watch out for good threads, ignore trolls and they go away, it's like the bully at school that you eventually gutted like the animal he was.
Fourth, /x/ is not the only source of good scares, below are some of the best sites for stories:
http://theholders.org/
http://www.youtube.com/user/MarbleHornets
http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/
http://www.creepypasta.com/
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Creepypasta
And, of course, /x/	
Fifth, when you're ready to display your collection, don't just dump, that way you won't know people's reaction to it (yes, I'm a genius).
Sixth, ????, right?
Seventh, I'm supposed to say 'profit' now, huh?
And remember, listen to Jethro Tull, learn to speak a third language, stop giving a shit, proof-read what you write, and an inappropriate smile is always scarier than a horrid face.
Your beloved,
~ Jack Empty.

I don�t give a fuck who you are or where you live. You can count on me to be there to bring your fucking life to a hellish end. I�ll put you in so much fucking pain that it�ll make Jesus being nailed to a cross in the desert look like a fucking back massage on a tropical island. I don�t give a fuck how many reps you have or how tough you are IRL, how well you can fight, or how many fucking guns you own to protect yourself. I�ll fucking show up at your house when you aren�t home. I�ll turn all the lights on in your house, leave all the water running, open your fridge door and not close it, and turn your gas stove burners on and let them waste gas. You�re going to start stressing the fuck out, your blood pressure will triple, and you�ll have a fucking heart attack. You�ll go to the hospital for a heart operation, and the last thing you�ll see when you�re being put under in the operating room is me hovering above you, dressed like a doctor. When you wake up after being operated on, wondering what ticking time bomb is in your chest waiting to go off. You�ll recover fully from your heart surgery. And when you walk out the front door of the hospital to go home I�ll run you over with my fucking car out of no where and kill you. I just want you to know how easily I could fucking destroy your pathetic excuse of a life, but how I�d rather go to a great fuckng length to make sure your last remaining days are spent in a living, breathing fucking hell. It�s too late to save yourself, but don�t bother committing suicide either� I�ll fucking resuscitate you and kill you again myself you bitch-faced phaggot. Welcome to hell, population: you

FACT: NEWGROUNDS WAS FUNNY WHEN WE WERE ALL 12 LIVING IN THE SUBURBS LISTENING TO LINKIN PARK WATCHING DRAGONBALL Z DRINKING PEPSI WHILE PLAYING HALO CO-OP ON THE EASIEST SETTING DURING WHICH WE CONSUMED DORITOS AND LOOKED AT PAINTBALL GUNS ON EBAY IN INTERNET EXPLORER CONNECTED THROUGH AOL ON A 56K MODEM BEFORE HOPPING INTO OUR BALDING FATHERS' LATEST MIDLIFE-CRISIS-IMPULSE-SPONSORED JAPANESE-BUILT SUV TO HEAD TO THE MALL AND GET MORE SKATEBOARDING SHOES AND THIRD-RATE IRREGULAR LEVIS AND MOUNTAIN BIKE PARTS BEFORE HEADING HOME, VOTING DEMOCRAT AND MASTURBATING TO THE LATEST SEARS CATALOG WHILE HUFFING PAINT IN YOUR GARAGE BEFORE TALKING TO PEDOPHILES ON AIM PRETENDING TO BE WHATEVER CAMWHORE THEY'RE RANTING ABOUT ON MYSPACE WITH A MATRIX QUOTE/ANIME CHARACTER NAME/TRIPLE SIX-ASTERISK-PARENTHESES-SURROUNDED SCREENNAME BEFORE HEADING TO YOUR SUPPOSED "GOOD SCHOOL" IN THE MORNING TO BUY MORE POT TO SMOKE DURING YOUR COUNTER-STRIKE LAN PARTY WITH JIMMY AND THE REST OF HIS FRIENDS TAKING RITALIN AND ADDERALL AND PROZAC EIGHT TIMES A DAY BEFORE TAKING A CASUAL PASS AT LOCAL, STATE OR NATIONAL GOVERNMENTIAL FIGURES, LEGISLATURE, OR STRUCTURE TO APPEAR EDGY AND INTELLIGENT IN FRONT OF YOUR BUDWEISER-SNEAKING, LIMP-WRISTED, NEAR-TO-COLUMBINE SOCIOPATHIC "DEEP" FRIENDS WHO PLAY THE VICTIM WHEN THEY START LOSING ARGUEMENTS SIX DAYS BEFORE THEIR BOTCHED SUICIDE ATTEMPT SIMPLY BECAUSE SCHOOL TRAMP NUMBER TWELVE WOULDN'T GO UNDER THE BLEACHERS WITH THEM TO LET THEM GET TO SECOND BASE BEFORE THEIR THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAY.

Somebody call 911!
Fermi fire burning on the dance floor
Whoa!
(Fire Burning, Fire Burning) What a gwaan!

Kingston
Let�s Go (Hey, hey, hey)
Red One (Hey Hey)
Fermi got that super thing
Hotter than the sun of south in spain
Got me soon as I walked through the door Oh!
My pocket started tickle-ing
The way she dropped it low that thang
Got me wanna spend my money on her, her

I actually do hate furries. Precisely because they THINK they're the "new gay," but are not, and cannot be the "new gay." Furries do not experience true discrimination, they experience judgment. They get painted as ridiculous - because they are - and then suddenly think and react like they're the victims of full-blown BIGOTRY.
Fuck that shit. The furry community deserves every single bit of stigma attached to them, because they're trying to turn their fetish into a quasi-political "lifestyle choice" when it's just a fucking fetish.

heres the thing. furries in general aren't bad. my friend is smoking hot and is a furry. she does not a) dress up in an animal suit to fuck b) say "yiff" c) think she is a mythical beast.
she likes comics and porn with animals instead of humans. she finds it hot. thats pretty much it. and thats what 90% of all furries are. fuck i've fapped to furry porn before. some of it is fucking hot. 
the problem arises when you get furries that make it into a way of fucking life. they have ears and tails on all the fucking time. they get pissed when you say it looks weird to walk around sniffing asses. they get huffy when you look at people in fur suits fucking and get confused.
they are assholes. they give furries a bad name. just like gay people who get all in your fucking face with how they are gay. i don't give a shit. if i don't want to see two guys fucking thats my prerogative. i mean...i do. but if i didn't. if i walk into your house and there is furry art or gay art on the wall, i migth get uncomfortable. thats not because i hate furries or gay, its because you have PORN ON THE FUCKING WALLS. 
some people are fucking assholes, and they force their business into where it doesn't belong. just because people ask you not to be crazy in public doesn't mean you're being persecuted. 
everyone has things they want to be public about that they have to hide when with strangers. its called "living in society."


the sexual aspect of it is a fetish, the rest of it is a fandom, much like star trek, they even have their own furry conventions where they dress up.
But unlike furries, star trek fans don't expect people to accept that deep down they really are klingons, and don't think its bigotry when people give them shit for it, since they know thats what happens when you pick an unusual... hobby I guess you'd call it.


maybe the moral of this story is that furries who aren't social retards are smart enough not to tell people like you that they're furries.

  Gooks

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR DICK-DRAGGING GOOK CARCASS AWAY FROM MY TURF, I'M GOING TO SHOVE MY SPERM WHALE SO FAR UP YOUR DRAINAGE PIPE THAT YOU'LL BE TASTING THE UNDERWEAR THAT I WEAR UNDER MY DAPPER SUIT FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS. I GUARANTEE IT.

Greeks and Asians
HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS MOMENT TO SAY THAT MY UNSTOPPABLE PILLAR OF A THOUSAND ORGASMS IS COMPLETELY EQUAL-OPPORTUNITY. TO THE GREEKS, I AM THE MIGHTY HERCULES THAT SPLITS APART THEIR ROCK OF GIBRALTAR. TO THE HINDUS I AM ZISHNA, THE TEN-HEADED GOD OF DEFLOWERING - AND ONLY FIVE OF THOSE HEADS ARE ATTACHED TO NECKS. INDEED, THE RECTUMS OF THOSE OF EAST ASIAN DESCENT HOLDS A SPECIAL PLACE UNDER MY RIGHT TESTICLE. THEIR TINY FRAMES CLENCH TIGHTLY WHEN I CRUSH THEIR ORGANS UNDER THE UNSTOPPABLE DRAMA OF MY ANAL ASSAULT. AS RIGOR MORTIS SETS IN, THE TIGHTNESS OF THEIR RAVAGED COLON UPON MY MIGHTY KATANA IS UNMATCHED BY ANY OTHER RACE. NO LESS THAN FIFTY-SEVEN SAMURAI HAVE COMMITTED HARA-KIRI UPON TAKING A SINGLE LOOK AT MY MIGHTY BLADE FROM THE DISHONOR OF WIELDING SUCH TINY EASTERN BLADES AGAINST MY MARVEL OF MANHOOD.
The Real Zimmer

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WAREHOUSE. CHICKENSHITS THAT TRY TO GUARANTEE ON SHIT THAT I DIDN'T APPROVE SHOULD SUCK MY GUSHING FLAMESPEAR OF JUSTICE AND VENGEANCE. AS FOR THAT SHIT, I SAY THAT EVEN THE LAST INBRED TARD WHO'D FIND HIMSELF ON A LONELY ISLAND IMPRISONED IN A CAGE MADE OF SAUSAGES AND CALCIUM AND TORTURED BY PURE AIR WOULDN'T FAP TO IT. UNLESS IT'S FCHAN. I GUARANTEE IT.
Revenge

HI I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. THE OTHER NIGHT I TRACKED DOWN THE UPPITY BITCH WHO DREW THIS PICTURE AND I PROCEEDED TO FREE WILLY ALL OVER HER FACE. I SPACKLED HER FACE WITH MY SALTY MAN YOGURT, MAKING SURE TO COVER EVERY INCH OF HER SELF-RIGHTEOUS MUG. I GUESS SHE LEARNED HER LESSON BECAUSE SHE CAME BACK BEGGING FOR MORE. I GUARANTEE IT.
Anal

HI I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. NO ONE CAN IMAGINE THE HORRORS THAT MY GREASY GRECIAN MAN POLE CAN UNLEASH. ANY HOLE THAT GETS IN MY WAY WILL BE SPELUNKED BY MY MIGHTY KIDNEY SCRAPER. I WILL PLUMB THE DEPTHS OF YOUR MOIST ORIFICES AND THEN PROCEED TO PUMP MILLIONS OF FUTURE ZIMMERS INTO YOUR INNARDS. I GUARANTEE IT.
Gb2/kitchen/

HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE A SECOND OUT OF MY BUSY DAY OF FUCKING THE MOTHERS AND SISTERS OF THE PEOPLE I HATE WITH MY MAMMOTH PELVIC FOREARM TO DELIVER A RARE SHORT MESSAGE. SHUT UP AND GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN BITCH, OR I'LL CHOKE YOU TO DEATH WITH MY INCREDIBLE MANMEAT. I GUARANTEE IT.
Subway

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. MERE HOURS AGO, ON A SUBWAY RIDE HOME TO MY LAVISH PENTHOUSE APARTMENT, ON MY WAY BACK FROM THE WORLDS MOST VIRILE MAN COMPETITION, THERE SAT ACROSS FROM ME A WOMAN OF ADMIRABLE MAMARY PROPORTIONS. NATURALLY, MY IMMEDIATE REACTION WAS FOR MY DANGEROUS, DEVILISH, DAPPER DOWNSTAIRS DOWEL TO SWELL TO THE ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF A MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL BAT. BUT I DIGRESS. THE IMPORTANT PART OF MY TALE OF UNIMAGINABLE SEXUAL PROWESS WAS THUS:

A RATHER INNEBRIATED FELLOW BEGAN TO HARASS THE OTHER PATRONS UPON THE SUBWAY CAR WHOSE DIJMENSIONS WERE BEING NOW APPROACHED BY THAT OF MY TOWERING MEAT FOUNTAIN. HAVING NOT THE SAME AUDACITY AS I, THEY THOUGHT IT BEST TO LET THE MAN BE. AS HE MOVED FROM PROUDLY DISPLAYING HIS COMPARATIVELY INSIGNIFICANT PENILE PINKY TO THE OLDER WOMEN TO THE YOUNG, BOUNCY AND BOUNTIFUL BEAUTIFULLY BREASTED BROAD THAT HAD CAUSED THE MAMMOTH SWELLING OF MY SWEATY MALE-WHALE, I CLUTCHED TIGHTLY MY TROPHY FROM AFOREMENTIONED COMPETITION, AND KNEW IMMEDIATELY THE APPROPRIATE COURSE OF ACTION. THE LOOK THAT GRACED HIS WANDERING EYES AS MY PULSATING POWER PUMP RUSHED TO MEET HIS FACE WILL CAUSE ME RUMBLING LAUGHTER FOR MANY A YEAR. THE RESULTIMG AROMA OF GIN AND TESTOSTERONE THAT LINGERED IN THE AIR WAS INVIGORATING. I THEN SPOKE IN A DIALECT OF MANDARIN CHINESE IN A FREQUENCY THAT ONLY ELEPHANTS CAN HEAR A WARNING TO THIS MAN THAT THIS BEHVAIOR OF HIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. ALAS, IT FELL ON DEAF EARS, FOR HE HAD PASSED. THE FELLATIO SESSION THAT I HAD EARNED FROM THE MAGNIFICENTLY MILKY MAIDEN WAS INTERRUPTED BY THE GOINGS-ON OF THE NEAREST POLICE OFFICER. RATHER THAN GO THROUGH THE TEDIUM OF FILLING OUT TIRESOME REPORTS AND STATEMENTS, I WASHED HIM OUT OF THE TRAIN AND UP THE STAIRS TO THE STREET WITH A BATH OF ONLY THE FINEST PROTEIN PACKED PUBIC PUDDING THAT I COULD MUSTER. I GUARANTEE IT.
George Foreman

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. THAT GODDAMN NIGGER GEORGE FOREMAN LIES LIKE THE LITTLE BITCH THAT HE IS. IN ACTUALITY, I SHOVED MY MASSIVE MEAT MOUNTAIN UP HIS WIFE AND DOG'S ASSES, KILLING THEM INSTANTLY. THEN I USED GEORGE'S OWN LEAN MEAN GRILLING MACHINE TO COOK THEIR CORPSES. I MUST ADMIT, THOUGH, THAT GRILL CAN COOK A MIGHTY FINE BABY BATTER-FILLED MAIN COURSE. I GUARANTEE IT.
Movie Theater

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. WHILE SURREPTITIOUSLY PLUNGING MY ROSY-CHEEKED CYCLOPEAN ALLY INTO THE ANAL CAVITY OF A YOUNG MIGRANT FARM WORKER OF INDETERMINATE GENDER IN THE FRONT ROW OF A MOVIE THEATER, THE POOR YOUTH SCREAMED FOR MORE THAN THREE MINUTES STRAIGHT, FINALLY COUGHING UP A LOAD OF 100% PURE ZIMMER SAUCE AND PASSING OUT. THE OTHER MOVIE PATRONS, ANGRY AT THE INTERRUPTION OF THE ADVENTURES OF SHARKBOY AND LAVAGIRL IN 3-D, BEGAN PELTING ME WITH DRINKS, FOOD, AND PHONE NUMBERS HASTILY WRITTEN ON NAPKINS. UNFORTUNATELY, MY OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUIT WAS RUINED IN THE PROCESS. I NONCHALANTLY PULLED THE UNCONSCIOUS YOUTH OFF MY ENORMOUS EYEBALL GOUGER AND STRIPPED NUDE. THEN, WITH A BESTIAL ROAR, I BEAT THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE TO DEATH--WITHOUT LEAVING THE FRONT ROW. ON MY WAY OUT, IN THE CUSTOM OF THE ZIMMER FAMILY, I GAVE THEM A BURIAL AT SEMEN. I GUARANTEE IT.
Becoming A Real Man

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. APPARENTLY, YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, WHICH IS TO BE EXPECTED FROM AN ASS-DRAGGING MAN WHORE LIKE YOURSELF THAT GETS KICKED OFF THE GOOD CORNERS BY TWELVE YEAR OLD BOYS LOOKING FOR EXTRA INCOME TO SUPPORT THEIR POKEMON ADDICTIONS. IF YOU'RE EVER INTERESTED IN BECOMING A REAL MAN, COME BY THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE WHERE I CAN GIVE YOU A TESTOSTERONE INFUSION IN THE BACK ALLEY WITH MY PATENTED PULSATING MAN HAMMER. I'LL SPREAD YOUR ASS CHEEKS WIDER THAN THE MARIANAS TRENCH, AND I'LL PLUNGE MY THUNDERING FLESH REDWOOD INTO YOUR WINKING PINK CHRYSANTHEMUM. SLIPPING ON MY STEEL WOOL GLOVES, I'LL GRAB YOUR MINISCULE QUIVERING JOYSTICK AND VIGOROUSLY MASSAGE IT UNTIL IT STANDS UP HARDER AND STRAIGHTER THAN A MARINE AT SHORT ARM INSPECTION WITH HIS FAVORITE DRILL SERGEANT. WHEN I FINALLY UNLEASH MY SHOWER OF MAN MAYONNAISE INTO YOUR COLON YOUR INNARDS WILL PULSATE IN JOYOUS ABANDON AND YOUR NIPPLES WILL EXPLODE WITH DELIGHT, RAINING MY SEX SAUCE DOWN UPON UNWARY PASSERSBY WHO WILL COWER IN FEAR OF THE SECOND COMING. I GUARANTEE IT.
The Real George Zimmer, Again

HI, I�M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN�S WEARHOUSE. MY YODELING MANSEED-SPRAYER CAN KILL A YAK AT THIRTY PACES�WITH ONE SWING. IT�LL BE A COLD DAY IN HELL WHEN ANYONE ON /B/ CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT THE POWER CONTAINED IN MY FORTUNE 500 FETUS FACIALIST. I�LL TRACK YOU DOWN, WITHDRAW MY MISCHIEVOUS MAIDEN MANGLER FROM MY UNCONSCIONABLY SEXY SUIT AND WATCH IN SILENCE AS YOU BEG TO SUCKLE AT MY TERRIFYINGLY TANTALIZING TESTICLES. YOU WON�T BE ABLE TO RESIST ME AS I SATIATE MY RANDY RAPE ROD USING YOUR QUIVERING FLESH. I�LL LEAVE YOUR CORPSE FOR PASSERSBY TO FIND IT, NAKED AND DRIPPING WITH SEVERAL HELPINGS OF MY EXTRAORDINARILY EFFERVESCENT ESSENCE OUTSIDE THE LOCAL ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. THEN I�LL MOVE ON TO YOUR MOTHER. I GUARANTEE IT.
Raping /b/tards

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. IT LOOKS LIKE SOME OF YOU /B/TARDS THINK YOU CAN CONTROL ME. THIS PARTICULAR /B/TARD THOUGHT HE WAS CLEVER, POSTING ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK. WELL, UNTIL I APPEARED BEHIND HIM IN A PLUME OF SMOKE AND AEROSOLIZED ASS BUTTER. HIS PARENTS ARE WATCHING AS I GIVE HIS KIDNEYS A TEN POINT INSPECTION WITH MY FLANNEL MAN-SPIGOT, WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY TYPING THIS POST, ANALLY PENETRATING THE OBESE MOTHER OF THIS /B/TARD, AND FILLING THE FATHER�S FACE WITH A GENEROUS HELPING OF MY GOOEY GUY GRAVY. AFTER I FINISH, I�LL BEAT THEM TO DEATH WITH MY VEINY LOVE TRUMPET, AND DISAPPEAR IN A VEIL OF MISTY WHITE SPRAY. ANY ONE OF YOU COULD BE NEXT. I GUARANTEE IT.
Explosion

HI IM GEORGE ZIMMER FOUNDER AND CEO OF MENS WAREHOUSE, AND WHILE YOUR OFFER INTRIGUES ME YOU MUST BE ASSURED THAT THE VERY FIRST TIME I EXTRACTED MY THROBBING GRISTLE STICK FROM MY BULGING SUIT PANTS AND PLUNGED IT DEEP INTO YOUR WAITING CLEFT AS AHAB SO PLUNGED HIS SPEAR INTO THE RED BLOWHOLE OF MOBY DICK, THAT THE EXPLOSION OF MAN FLUID THAT WOULD FILL YOUR INTERNAL CAVITY WOULD DO SO WITH SUCH DAEMONIC ALACRITY AS TO CAUSE A SPONTANEOUS AND COMPLETE ERUPTION OF YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS IN SUCH A GROTESQUE AND SPECTACULAR MANNER THAT I WOULD BE COVERD IN LITTLE RED DRIPPING BITS OF YOU IN 5 SECONDS FLAT. I GUARANTEE IT.
Board of Directors

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ONE DAY, ABOUT A WEEK AGO, I WAS HOLDING A MEETING WITH MY COMPANY'S BOARD OF DIRECTORS, EXPLAINING THE IMPORTANCE OF DEDICATION, AND QUALITY IN THE SALE OF OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUITS, WHEN I NOTICED ONE OF THE MEMBERS OF THE BOARD WAS, IN FACT, A STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL BLOND FEMALE, HER BEAUTY MATCHED ONLY BY HER PROFESSIONAL MANNER AND ABSOLUTELY ELEGANT SUIT. THIS COMBINATION OF STIMULI GAVE MY MONOLITHIC CROTCH CANNON NO CHOICE BUT TO AUGMENT AND OBLITERATE MY PANTS. WITHIN MOMENTS MY MY MEMBER HAD DESOLATED THE BOARD ROOM, THE TABLE HAVING BEEN SMASHED UNDER THE SHEER GIRTH OF MY PELVIC PULVERISER, AND THE WOMAN IN QUESTION WAS IMPALED ON ITS GARGANTUAN TIP, HAVING THROWN HERSELF IN ITS APOCOLIPTIC PATH OF DESTRUCTION IN AN EFFORT NOT ONLY TO SAVE THE LIVES OF HER COLLEAGUES, BUT TO EXPERIENCE FIRSTHAND THE QUASI-RELIGEOUS EXPERIENCE THAT IS ZIMMER. AS MY TROUSER TRUNCHEON EXPANDED, DEMOLISHING WALLS AND DISPATCHING THE INTERNS WHO ATTEMPTED TO ESCAPE WITH THEIR LIVES RATHER THAN THROW THEMSELVES AT THE MERCY OF MY THROBBING FLESH MISSLE.

MOMENTS LATER MY PHALLUS HAD KNOCKED OUT MANY OF THE BUILDING'S SUPPORT BEAMS AND THE FLOORS OVERHEAD CRASHED DOWN, THE FORCE OF THEIR MOMENTUM CAUSING THE ENTIRE BUILDING ITSELF TO COLLAPSE IN A NIGHTMARISH MANNER NOT UNLIKE A FAMOUS DISASTER FROM A FEW YEARS AGO. RISING FROM THE RUBBLE, WITH THE STUNNING BOARD MEMBER STILL ON THE TIP OF MY GOD-SHLONG CRYING ALOUD FOR MERCY, HER SUIT AS WELL AS MINE UTTERLY RUINED BY THE AFFAIR, AS WELL AS A DOZEN OTHERS STILL CLINGING TO THE SHAFT. i LET OUT A THUNDERING ROAR AND LET SPEW FORTH MY SEED WITH SUCH AWE-INSPIRING FORCE THAT THE LOAD SHATTERED THE SOUND BARRIER, VAPOURIZING MY LUSTY ASSOCIATE, CRUSHING EVERYONE IN SIGHT AND SHATTERING EVERY WINDOW IN A 5-MILE RADIUS. IN THE AFTERMATH, STANDING NAKED AND COVERED IN CEMENT DUST, AND SMILING CONTENTLY AT THE DEMOLISHED, SEMEN-COVERED RUINS BEFORE ME, I SPOTTED A SMALL DOG, STUMBING IN THE DEBRIS, ITS EARS BLEEDING AND GASPING FOR BREATH IN THE HUMID MUSK. I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF. WITH A LOUD THUD MY ELEPHANTINE MAN-HAMMER HAD CRUSHED THE ANIMAL LIKE A THICK, MEATY FLYSWATTER. I GUARANTEE IT.
Luncheon

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I RECIEVED YOUR MEMO CONCERNING LAST WEEKS LUNCHEON, AND I MUST SAY I REALLY ENJOYED MYSELF. YOUR SISTER, WHO APPARENTLY DECIDED TO ATTEND THE PARTY WEARING A STUNNING SILK DRESS, GAVE MY GARGANTUAL ENORMOUS PULSATING COLUMN OF FLESH NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO EXTEND AND ERECT TO ITS FULL POTENTIAL, THE SIZE OF WHICH I CAN HARDLY EXPRESS IN WORDS. AT THE SIGHT OF MY IMMENSE MEAT HAMMER, I FOUND YOUR SISTER BEGGING AND MOANING, ON HER KNEES, FOR JUST ONE TASTE OF MY ZIMMER SPECIAL. THE RESULT WAS INEVITABLE; YOUR SISTER WAS INSTANTLY BLOWN ACROSS THE ROOM AS MY COLOSSAL HOSE EXPLODED IN A TORRENT OF MY DNA PUDDING. IT TOOK HER 2 HOURS TO REMOVE THE THICK LAYER OF MY SPECIAL NUT BATTER FROM HER FACE, AND EVEN THOUGH I STRONGLY DISCOURAGED IT, SHE DECIDED TO CONSUME THE ENTIRE QUANTITY OF MY HE-SALSA, THE VOLUME OF WHICH COULD EASILY FILL A INDUSTRIAL SIZED FUEL TANK. I GUARANTEE IT.
Your Mom

I HAVE A SIMILAR STORY TO SHARE WITH YOU CONCERNING YOUR MOTHER. IT HADN'T CROSSED MY MIND, BUT DURING YOUR ORIENTATION SESSION HERE AT MEN'S WEARHOUSE INC., YOUR MOTHER, WHO ALSO ATTENDED ALONG WITH YOU THAT VERY DAY, PASSED ME A NOTE, WHICH I DO NOT RECALL IN ITS ENTIRETY. SOMETHING ABOUT "I WILL GIVE YOU MY LIFE IN EXCHANGE FOR EXPERIENCING THAT WHICH EVERY MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD ON THIS EARTH PRAYS EVERY DAY TO EXPERIENCE; GETTING FUCKED IN THE MOUTH BY YOUR THROBBING MASSIVE COLUMN OF FLESH". I COULD NOT DISCOURAGE THIS WOMAN, SO IN A FLASH, MY DAPPER TIGHT PANTS EXPLODED AS MY BEHEMOTH OF LOVE UNLEASHED ITSELF TOWARDS YOUR MOTHER'S GAPING UTERUS, WHICH SHE HAD SUBMITTED TO MY MEAT MISSILE THE MOMENT SHE REALIZED HER LIFE GOAL HAD BEEN REALIZED. I FEEL IT IS AN APPOPRIATE TIME NOW TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOUR MOTHERS DEATH 5 YEARS AGO WAS NOT DUE TO A TERRORIST ATTACK DURING THE ORIENTATION PARTY, IN WHICH YOUR MOTHER WAS BLOWN APART BY AN RPG; RATHER THE SHEER SIZE OF MY THROBBING MAMMOTH-LIKE MISSILE WAS TOO MUCH FOR HER BODY TO SUPPORT, DESPITE HER ARGUABLY SIZEABLE ANUS. THAT, ALONG WITH THE SUBSEQUENT TORRENTIAL FLOOD WHICH INSTANTLY FILLED HER BODY WITH MY CREAMY MAN JUICE, AND WHICH THE SHEER VOLUME OF ITS CONTENT RESULTED IN THE GOOEY MATTER GUSHING OUT OF EVERY ORIFICE IN HER BODY. I GUARANTEE IT.
9/11

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WEARHOUSE. 9/11 WAS A LIE. THERE WERE NO TOWEL HEADS. THERE WAS NO AIRPLANE. IN TRUTH I WAS VISITING THE BIG APPLE, SO AS TO COMPARE MY GARGATUAIN MEAT TRAIN TO IT AND LAUGH AT THE GASPING NEW YORKERS AS I POUNDED THEIR MELOVED NAMESAKE INTO BIG APPLE SAUCE. HAVING NOT GOTTEN RELEASE FROM MY CULLENARY EXERISIZE, I MIANDERED DOWN THE STREET WITH MY VIRAL BLOOD ENGORGED SEWER PIPE OUT IN FRONT OF ME LIKE A BLIND MAN'S CANE, LOOKING FOR A HOLE IN THE BACK SIDE OF A WOMAN(S) TO STRETCH BEYOND HUMAN LIMITS. I SPOTTED AT THAT VERY MOMENT AN ATRACTIVE FEMALE IN A MINISKIRT WAVING AT ME. I SLAPED HER TO THE GROUND WITH MY HUMONGOUS PHALUS AND QUICKLY RAVISHED HER SKIRT LIKE A RABID DOG ON A BABY MADE OF STEAK. THE SITE THAT AWAITED ME BOTH SHOCKED AND ENRAGED ME. AFTER SEEING THIS "WOMAN"'S RAISN SIZED WINKY WINKLER, I VOMITED DOWN HIS THROAT THEN PENETRATED HIS ESAPHAGUS, RIPED OUT HIS SPINE AND PEELED HIS CORPS FROM OFF MY MONEY MAKER. TO TEACH ALL OF NEW YORK A LEASON FOR LETTING THIS FLAMMING FAG BAG LIVE, I LET LOOSE A SEMENAL FLOOD OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS UPON THE TOWERS OF TWO (AT WHICH'S SMALL SIZE I LAUGHED LIKE A CLOWN RAPING AN 8 YEAR OLD) WHICH CAUSED THEM TO COME CRASHING DOWN LIKE ME AFTER A WEEKEND METH BINGE. I MOCKED THE NEW YORKERS AND MADE NIGGER JOKES AS THEY RAN FROM MY EVER EXPANDING CLOUD OF SPERMAZOA, MASTURBATING TO THE LOOKS OF HORROR ON THEIR FACES. THE GOVERNMENT, IN AN ATTEMPT TO SAVE FACE AND BECASUE THEY HATE ARABS MORE THAN JEWS, PAINTED A BOEING 747 ON MY GIGANTIC COCK AND CALLED IT A TERROIST ATTACK. THE FEELING OF PAINTBRUSHES ON MY DICK MADE ME COME AGAIN, AND PRESIDENT BUSH SNORTED UP EVERY DROP BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS COKE. I GUARANTEE IT.
The Real George Zimmer, Part III

HI, I'M THE REAL GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. WHILE THAT LAST POST WAS UNDOUBTEDLY WELL-WRITTEN, IT LACKED THE FINER ELEMENTS OF STYLE THAT MAKE MY DELICIOUS ANAL PILLAGINGS SO ENJOYABLE. JUST THE SIGHT OF MY RAKISH COUNTENANCE CAN SEND WOMEN INTO EXPLOSIVE, MIND-NUMBING FITS OF ORGASM LONG BEFORE I PULL OUT MY MAJESTIC PLEASURE PISTON AND RAM IT DOWN THEIR GASPING THROATS. IN JUST A FEW MINUTES THEY'VE GOT A BELLYFUL OF STEAMING-HOT MAN SHAKE AND I'M OFF TO POST IN /B/, WHERE MY PRESENCE IS ALWAYS WELCOME. I GUARANTEE IT.
Wannabes

HI I'M GEORGE ZIMMER FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WAREHOUSE. IF YOU LOW-LIFE WANNABE COCK PHEASANTS CONTINUE TO SHATTER MY GOOD NAME WITH HORRID AND TASTELESS ANECDOTES I WILL FORCE MY COLOSSAL SPERM-WHALE UP YOUR SHIT CHUTE SO FAR THAT YOUR ANCESTORS IN HEAVEN WILL HAVE THEIR TEETH KNOCKED OUT FROM BEHIND. AS MY HUGE SUPER CENTIPEDE GOES THROUGH YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS UP YOUR MOUTH AND INTO THE HEAVENS ABOVE. AS ALL THE ANGELS EXCLAIM AT THE COLOSSAL NATURE OF MY MAN WORM. ALL OF THEM TAKING PICTURES OF IT TO RECORD THE DAY THAT YOU SOILED THE NAME OF GOOD GEORGE ZIMMER! I GUARANTEE IT.
Sister in the Alley

HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. A WEEK AND A HALF AGO IN AN ALLEY BEHIND HER WORKPLACE I THRUST MY INHUMANLY TURGID MEMBER INTO YOUR SISTER'S ANAL CAVITY. AS MY GARGANTUAN MEAT SPEAR PENETRATED HER BUTT PIPE SHE SCREAMED AND FAINTED, SMASHING HER FACE AGAINST THE HARD ASPHALT OF THE ALLEY. I FLIPPED HER OVER AND PULLED MY LOG OUT, TAKING CARE NOT TO GET BLOOD ON MY AMAZINGLY DAPPER SUIT AND THEN PROCEEDED TO FIRE MY JIZZ ROCKET ONTO HER GLASSES AND PUCKERED NIPPLES. PROMPTLY AFTER SHOVING HER IN THE TRUNK OF MY LEXUS I DROVE OFF INTO THE DARK NIGHT ONLY TO DROP HER OFF AT A REST STOP MOTEL WITH $1.50 IN CHANGE TO CALL A CAB. SHE ENDED UP TAKING A SUB HOME WHILE CALLING ME 6 TIMES ON MY CELL PHONE. WHEN I ANSWERED ALL I HEARD WAS WIMPERING AND A LOW MOAN. I GUARANTEE IT.
Magic

HI, I�M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN�S WEARHOUSE. MAGIC? I�LL BET THE LAST TIME YOU GOT ANYWHERE NEAR MAGIC IN BED YOU WERE SHOVING TWENTY-SIDED DICE UP YOUR ASS WHILE YOU JERKED YOUR TINY WAND TO YOUR MAGIC: THE GATHERING DECK. SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU NEED A MEGA-DOSE OF ZIMMER-BRAND MASCULINITY. I�LL COVER YOUR HAPLESS, EFFEMINATE FORM IN A THREE FOOT DEEP LAYER OF WHITE-HOT BABY BROTH FROM MY IMMINENTLY IMPRESSIVE ZIMMER PLEASURE PYTHON. YOU�LL BEG ME FOR A SECOND COMING, AND I�LL OBLIGE YOU, PUMMELING YOU IN EVERY ORIFICE. YOU�LL AWAKEN IN THE HOSPITAL, YOUR TEETH BROKEN OFF AT THE GUM LINE AND WITH SEVERE BLOOD LOSS FROM YOUR ANUS. BUT YOU�LL STILL CALL ME TO BEG FOR MORE. I GUARANTEE IT.
Sex with Zimmer: Serious Business

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WAREHOUSE. RECENTLY, I WAS APPROACHED BY QUITE A LUCIOUS LOOKING LADY PERSON. HER BINDING BUST FIGURE IMMEDIATLY FORCED MY TWITCHING GARGANTUAN MAN CANNON TO RAPIDLY EXPAND TO DIVINE ELEPHANTINE DIMENSIONS. THE LADY IN QUESTION, WHO'S BEAUTY WAS ONLY MATCHED BY THAT OF MY COLLOSSAL DOWNSTAIRS DOWEL, WAS ASTOUNDED AND THUS PROCEEDED TO STARE INTENTLY AT MY INTENSIFYINGLY TITANTIC LUST LOG OF INFINITE SEXUAL DESIRE AS IT OBILTERATED MY FINE UNDERWEAR AND TROUSERS CUNNINGLY CONSTRUCTED BY MY DIGNIFIED CHAIN OF RETAILERS. SHE WAS SO FLABBERGASTED AT THE SHEER SIZE AND GRANDEUR OF MY MAGNIFICENT AND IMPRESSIVE ZIMMER BATON THAT I UNDRESSED HER FINE SKIRT AND UNDERWEAR GARMENTS WITH MY PSYCOKINETIC EYES AND SLAMMED MY GIANT OMINOUS VEINY WHALE INTO THE CREVACE OF HER ORIFICE AND DISCHARGED AN ARMY OF MINITURE DAPPER ALBINO BOSNIANS TO COAT THE INSIDES OF HER ANAL CAVITY WITH ONLY THE FINEST SMELLING ZIMMER PROTEIN PACKED PENILE PRODUCE. ONCE I HAD FINISHED WITH THE PUPPYLIKE WHORE, I STAMPED MY NOW ALMOST FLACID STOPCOCK OF JOY AGAINST THE GROUND AND CHARGED INTO THE NIGHT SKY WITH THE ROCKET FUEL OF A THOUSAND GODS TO CONTINUE MY CRUSADES OF MEAT CLOBBERIN'. I GUARANTEE IT.
Your Girlfriend

HELLO I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. TONIGHT I WAS BEATING YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S HEAD AGAINST HER BEDROOM WALL WITH MY GIGANTIC RAMROD AND AS SHE DEEP-THROATED MY MAN-MEAT I REALIZED THAT IT WAS TIME FOR THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE ANNUAL SALE. ONCE I FILLED HER ESOPHAGUS UP WITH MY AMAZING AMOUNT OF BABY BUTTER I HEADED OUT TO OUR STORES TO REMIND CUSTOMERS THAT OUR SUITS FIT WELL AND ARE CHEAPER THAN THE COMPETITION, LIKE YOUR MOTHER'S COCK RECEPTICLE. IT BARELY FITS MY ROLLING PIN OF PLEASURE, BUT EVENTUALLY I BANG HER SO HARD THAT IT BECOMES A CUSTOM FIT, LIKE THE SERVICE AT ANY OF OUR NATIONWIDE LOCATIONS. SHE BEGS ME NIGHTLY TO FILL HER WITH COCK-JUICE LIKE HOW YOU'LL BE BEGGING FOR THE AMAZING SAVINGS WE OFFER AT THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I GUARANTEE IT.
Halloween

HI IM GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WEARHOUSE. IT WAS THE NIGHT OF THE 31ST ALSO KNOWN AS HALLOWEEN, WHEN MANY PEOPLE OF THE YOUNG VARIETY GO AROUND IN SHITTY COSTUMSES AND GETTING FREE CANDY INSTED OF BEING AT HOME AND HAVING WILDY ORGIES . THERE I WAS IN MY ZIMMERMOBILE, RUNNING OVER THE POOR LADS AND LASSES IN THEIR $20.00 COSTUMES FORM WAL-MART, WHEN I SUDDENLY SPOTTED A FINE, BLONDE WOMAN WITH BREASTS THAT WERE AS BIG AS THE CANDY BOWL SHE HAD IN HER HANDS, HANDING OUT CANDY FROM A LOVELY, BRICK HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS. I THEN STOPPED MY ZIMMERMOBILE, MY ENORMUS MEAT DRILL POKING OUT MY PANTS AT THE SIGHT OF THE VOLUPTUOUS WOMAN. SHE HAD THEN ASKED ME THE SAME QUESTION SHE HAD ASKED OTHER KIDS TAHT CAME BY ONLEY FOR CHEAP CANDY WHICH WAS, 'WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO ME AND WHAT IS YOUR TRICK?' LAUGHING AT THE STUPID COMMENT SHE HAD SAID, I THEN KNOCKED OVER THE CANDY BOWL SHE WAS HOLDING BETWEEN HER 2 FLESH BASKETBALLS, FORECEFULY SMACKED HER AND BENT HER OVER WITH MY ROD OF MEN, AND THEN TOOK OFF MY BUSINESS PANTS AND SHOWED HER MY SPECIAL TRICK BY DEFILING HER OVARIES AND MAKING HER SCREAM WITH EXCITEMENT WITH THE RHYTHM OF MY GIANT COCK. AS SOON AS I FELT THE POINT OF CLIMAX, I THEN PROCEEDED TO SQUIRT MY GOOEY NOUGAT CREAM ALL OVER HER LIVING ROOM. WHEN THE KIDS HAD ARRIVED AT HER HOUSE, THEY THOUGHT MY EJACULATORY FLUID WAS NOUGAT CANDY AND ATE IT. OF COURSE, I WAS ALREADY GONE AND SPEEDING AWAY IN MY ZIMMERMOBILE LOOKING FOR ANOTHER FINE LASS TO SHOW MY GREAT HALLOWEEN TIRCK TO. I GUARANTEE IT.
Ashlee

HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ASHLEE, I'D LIKE TO BEAT YOUR CHEST WITH MY ENORMOUSLY HEAVY, THROBBING PELVIC CROCODILE UNTIL I GEYSER A HUGE WATERFALL OF STICKY BABY DRESSING ON YOUR FACE. I'LL MOP IT UP WITH MY THICK HEAD AND SLAP IT ON YOUR LIPS SO THEY DON'T CHAP. YOU'LL CUM SO HARD YOUR DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBORS WILL NEED TO CHANGE THEIR SHEETS. I GUARANTEE IT.
Comparing Sizes

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WEARHOUSE. OBVIOUSLY, YOU PEOPLE CANNOT MATCH TO MY GREAT URETHA MOUTAIN TO YOUR PUNY FLESH WRINKLES SO YOU ALL DECIDE TO TRY AND 1-UP ME. I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT WILL BE POSSIBLE AS PLEASURING A GREAT HUMPBACK WHALE. GOOGLE_QUEEN, SINCE YOU'RE SO SMART AS YOU ELEQUENTLY SAY SO YOURSELF, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT INDIVDIUALITY IS A MATTER OF BEING DIFFERENT. JUST BECAUSE I HAVE FUN DEFILING BEAUTIFUL YOUNG FEMALS AND CASUING HAVOC DOES NOT MAKE ME SICK AS IT IS ALL A MATTER OF OPINION. SAYING 'YOU NEED TO GET A LIFE' IS IMPLYING THAT YOU WANT ME TO LIVE A LIFE LIKE YOURS AS A LIFE, LIKE INDIVIDUALITY, WILL ALWAYS BE DIFFERENT. I GUARANTEE IT.
Meteor

HI, I�M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN�S WEARHOUSE. I AM IMPRESSED THAT SOMEONE SO OBVIOUSLY INCAPABLE OF BIPEDAL MOVEMENT DUE TO THE ENORMOUS ROLLS OF FLESH SURROUNDING YOU IS CAPABLE OF TYPING AT ALL. I HAVE A SET OF TRIPLETS NIBBLING AT MY CARNAL CORNUCOPIA; WHEN I CLIMAX, A DELICIOUS DELUGE OF DONG DROPPINGS WILL BE FLUNG INTO LOW EARTH ORBIT. A TEAM OF SCIENTISTS HIGHLY TRAINED IN THE EROTIC ART OF ALIGNING MY RAPACIOUS RAPE ROCKET WILL ENSURE THAT THIS QUALITY QUIM-CAULK QUINTESSENCE RE-ENTERS THE ATMOSPHERE AIMED EXACTLY AT YOUR ADMITTEDLY AMPLE FRAME. IF THE SIZZLING HEAT OF MY NIAGARA-LIKE TORRENT OF BOILING HOT FERTILITY FLUID DOESN�T KILL YOU, THE FACT YOU�LL BE TOO AROUSED TO DO MORE THAN INHALE IT DEEPLY WHILE TRYING VAINLY TO FIND A WAY TO REACH YOUR IMPRESSIVELY INSIGNIFICANT INCEST INCHWORM WILL. I GUARANTEE IT.
Religion

HI, I�M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN�S WAREHOUSE. YOUR MOTHER MAY HAVE BEEN BLESSED MORE TIMES BY THE SACRED WHITE RIVER OF MY PELVIC PALADIN, BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO GIVE ME THE GREEN EYE OF JEALOUSY, MY COCK-LOVING CAVALIER. BETWEEN US, TONIGHT WILL BE RELIGIOUS RAPTURE, FOR YOUR ANAL CLEFT SHALL BE MY GREAT SEA, AND I SHALL BE ITS MOSES, CLEAVING ITS MIGHTY CHOCOLATE OCEAN TO MAKE WAY FOR THE SAFE PASSAGE OF MY TESTICULAR TRIBE, HAVING BEEN GRANTED MEPHITIC FREEDOM FROM THE TYRANNY OF ENSLAVEMENT BEHIND A LOCKED PROSTATE. TO DO THIS, I WILL READY MY LONGIUS TO PIERCE YOUR BACKSIDE�S SACRED DOMAIN � YOU WILL SCREAM FIRST IN PAIN, THEN IN PASSION AS ITS STEEL-LADEN GIRTH STRETCHES AND RIPS THE FABRIC OF YOUR MORTAL INNARDS, DISIMBUING YOU OF YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS, LEADING YOU TO A HEAVEN, THEN REVIVING YOUR FEELING OF PHYSICAL REALITY LIKE A ONCE-CRUCIFIED JESUS RETURNING TO EARTH. I GUARANTEE IT.
The Real Zimmer, Part IV

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I AM AWARE OF THE MADE UP DECLARATIONS ABOUT ME THAT HAVE RECENTLY BEGUN TO APPEAR ON THE INTERNET AND IN EMAILS AS "GEORGE ZIMMER FACTS." I'VE SEEN SOME OF THEM. SOME ARE FUNNY. SOME ARE PRETTY FAR OUT. BEING MORE A STUDENT OF THE ESTENSIBLE ELEPHANTIC EVIRGINATOR THAT THE WILD WORLD OF THE INTERNET, I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT TO MAKE OF IT. IT'S QUITE SURPRISING. I GUARANTEE IT. I DO KNOW THAT CEOs WILL BE CEOs, AND I NEITHER TAKE OFFENSE NOR TAKE THIS THINGS TO SERIOUSLY. WHO KNOWS, MAYBE THIS MADE UP ONE-LINERS WILL PROMPT YOUNG PEOPLE TO SEEK OUT THE REAL FACTS ABOUT MY PUBIC PUNISHING PELVICATOR AS FOUND IN MY RECENT AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL BOOK, 'YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE THE WAY YOUR DING DONG DICKY LOOKS'? THEY MAY BE EVEN BE INTERESTED ENOUGH TO CHECK OUT MY NOVELS SET IN THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE, THE PELVIC RIDERS, RELEASED THIS MONTH. I'M VERY PROUD OF THESE EFFORTS. I GUARANTEE IT.
Yellowstone

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ONE LATE EVENING, AS I WAS YODELING INTO THE CAVERNOUS COOCH OF MY COHABITATION PARTNER, I HAD A BRIGHT IDEA - TO STROKE MY MASSIVE MANLY MEATSICLE OVER THE BURNING FORESTS OF YELLOWSTONE. FIRE SUPPRESANT MAY NOT STOP THE RAGING FLAMES, BUT MY COLLOSAL COCK CONGLOMERATE WOULD. DOUSING THE FLAMES IN GEORGE'S JOCKSTRAP JUICE WOULD CAUSE THE FLAMES TO IMMEDIATELY EXTINGUISH, LEAVING NOTHING BUT TREES AND SLICK SACK SAUCE WITHIN THE PINES. WHILE WOODLAND ANIMALS WOULD NOT SURVIVE THE TORRENTIAL RAINS OF MY SUPER SPOOGE SYRUP, THE FOREST RANGERS, IF FEMALE, WOULD BE VERY APPRECIATIVE. I GUARANTEE IT
Dance Dance Revolution

I, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ON A RECENT BUSINESS TRIP TO TOKYO, I FOUND MYSELF IN A VIDEO ARCADE, WHERE ONE OF THE LOCAL TEENAGE BOYS WAS ATTEMPTING TO MAKE UP FOR HIS UNFATHOMABLY TINY TWAT TACKLE BY PLAYING "DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION" IN FRONT OF A GROUP OF JIGGLY-CHESTED JAPANESE JAILBAIT. SCOFFING AT HIS SCANDALOUSLY SIMPLISTIC SKILLS, I PROCEDED TO LIBERATE MY TWITCHING TESTICULAR TRUNCHEON AND SWING ITS PRECIPITOUS POUNDAGE INTO THE YOUTH'S FACE, CRUSHING HIS SKULL AND FREEING THE MACHINE. I THEN ACHIEVED A RATING OF "AAA" ON THE SONG "MAX 300" USING ONLY THE RAPID RIPPLING OF MY RAUCOUSLY RIGID RAPEROD. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE WET-PANTIED WOMANLY WATCHERS WERE ALREADY IN THE THROES OF PASSION FROM THE OVERPOWERING SCENT OF MY TORPID TESTOSTERONE TUBE, SO I LET THEM GATHER 'ROUND FOR A GROUP HUG OF THE GARGANTUAN GIRTH OF MY GORGEOUS GUY-GIRDER BEFORE CONQUERING EACH OF THEIR QUIXOTICALLY QUIVERING QUIMS WITH A FURIOUS FOUNTAIN OF FROTHING FUCK-FOAM. MY HIGH SCORE HAS NEVER BEEN BEATEN. I GUARANTEE IT.
Chuck Norris

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I'D BEEN HEARING ALOT LATELY ABOUT THE MERITS OF THIS CHUCK NORRIS FELLOW, SO I THOUGHT I'D PAY HIM A VISIT- ZIMMER STYLE. AS I APPROACHED HIS HOUSE, I HEARD A TWIG SNAP BEHIND ME AND THEN OUT OF NOWHERE CAME THE LEG OF THE ONE AND ONLY CHUCK NORRIS. LUCKILY MY REFLEXES WERE TOO FAST FOR HIM. MY MASSIVE MASCULINE MEAT-PIPE BURST FORTH FROM MY FINELY-TAILORED TROUSERS, ENSNARING HIS LEG WITH THE POWER OF A THOUSAND ANACONDAS. HIS ONCE POWERFUL INSTRUMENT OF DEATH THUSLY DESTROYED, HE WAS COMPLETELY POWERLESS. I DECIDED THAT THAT UGLY MUG OF HIS WAS NOT UP TO ZIMMER STANDARDS, SO I DETERMINED TO DELIVER A MAKEOVER HE WOULDN'T SOON FORGET. HE BEGAN TO CRY LIKE A KITTEN UNDER A STEAMROLLER AS MY PULSATING PELVIC PILEDRIVER DELIVERED BLOW AFTER BLOW TO HIS EVER-SOFTENING SKULL. AS I FINISHED OFF MY FLESH-SCULPTURE, I REALIZED THAT I HAD FORMED HIS HEAD INTO THE SHAPE OF DEVIL'S TOWER. THE SHOCK CAUSED ME TO LET FORTH A FLOOD OF CAUSTIC COD CREME THAT BURNED OFF THAT RIDICULOUS STUBBLE HE CALLS A BEARD. HE'S UNCONCIOUS NOW, BUT HE'LL SOON WAKE UP. HE'S GONNA LIKE THE WAY HE LOOKS. I GUARANTEE IT.
Mentally Handicapped McDonald's Employee

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. MANY YEARS AGO, A MENTALLY HANDICAPPED MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE PILFERED AN OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUIT FROM MY ILLUSTRIOUS STORE AND WRONGFULLY CLAIMED IT AS HIS OWN. INSULTED BY HIS DISHONESTY, MY MASSIVE MANHOOD MISSILE TORE OUT OF MY FRESHLY TAILORED PANTS, AND VICIOUSLY SLAMMED HIM INTO PAVEMENT, RATTLING HIS BONES AND SEVERING HIS FORESKIN. THE LOOKS OF INNOCENCE, ABJECT TERROR, AND PURE SADNESS IN HIS EYES EMOTIONALLY AND CHEMICALLY UNITED AND FORMED AN APHRODISIAC WHICH EMANATED FROM HIS VERY SOUL. AROUSED BY THIS DISPLAY AND WITH MY OBLITERATED PANTS LAID STREWN AROUND MY ANKLES, I CHARGED AT HIM WITH THE FEROCITY OF A FEMALE GRIZZLY BEAR PROTECTING ITS YOUNG. THE BEWILDERED YET FRIGHTENED LOOK THAT GRACED HIS TEAR-COVERED, DOWN'S SYNDROME-SHAPED FACE AS MY PULSATING POWER PUMP RUSHED TO MEET HIS FACE HAS CAUSED AND WILL CONTINUE TO CAUSE ME UPROARIOUS, RUMBLING LAUGHTER FOR MANY DECADES TO COME. SCARED AND HELPLESS, HE BEGAN TO WADDLE AWAY BUT ALAS, HIS EFFORTS WERE FUTILE. BEFORE HE COULD STUMBLE AWAY FROM MY GRASP, I CLOSED THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US WITH MY MASSIVE, MENACING MEMBER, AND HE SOON GOT A TASTE OF MY COLLOSSAL CUM CANNON AS IT SMASHED INTO HIS CRANIUM, WHICH WAS QUITE PUNY BY COMPARISON. THE FORCE OF MY CYCLOPEAN CUNT CLOBBERER SENT HIM HURTLING ACROSS THE ROOM, THROUGH SEVERAL DESKS, AND FINALLY CAUSED HIM TO SLAM HEADFIRST INTO A DISPLAY OF MY DELIGHTFULLY DAPPER SUITS. I VAULTED OVER TO HIM WITH THE HELP OF MY PULSATING PYTHON OF POON-POUNDING, AND THEN LIFTED HIM UP AND PINNED HIM AGAINST THE ORNATELY-DECORATED CEILING WITH THE HEAD OF MY CAREFULLY MANUEVERED CERVIX CRUSADER. AS I WATCHED ALL HOPE DISSAPPEAR FROM HIS GRIEF-STRICKEN FACE, I BESPATTERED HIM WITH A DELUGE OF MASTERFULLY SPREAD MANJUICE, DROWNING HIM IN MY RICH PROTEIN SHAKE AND CORRUPTING HIS SOUL. THE COPIOUS AMOUNT OF CORN SYRUP RUSHING FORTH FROM MY PULSATING, POWER-PACKED PLACENTA POKER QUICKLY FLOODED MY STORE AND RAISED THE EARTH'S SEA LEVEL BY APPROXIMATELY 10 PERCENT. BILLIONS OF PEOPLE GASPED FOR AIR AS THEY DROWNED IN LEGIONS OF MY STIFLINGLY SUBSTANTIAL SEED, AND MANY YEARS AFTER THIS INCIDENT, THE BODY OF THE MENTALLY HANDICAPPED MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE HAS NOT BEEN RECOVERED. I GUARANTEE IT.
Virginity

HI I�M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN�S WEARHOUSE. MY FIRST TIME WAS FANTASTIC. A YOUNG GIRL WAS SUMMONED TO MY PRIVATE CHAMBERS, DEEMED WORTHY TO BE THE FIRST CONQUEST OF THE NEW ZIMMER HEIR. I REACHED MY FULL RAGING HEIGHT WITHIN SECONDS AS BLOOD FLOODED INTO MY FEMUR-SIZED FLOOR BREAKER. THE HALF TERRIFIED GIRL QUIVERED WITH ANTICIPATION AS I SHED MY SUIT, THE PINACLE OF TAILORING TRIUMPH. BEFORE SHE COULD SCREAM WITH FEAR OR DELIGHT, I HAD ALREADY MANUEVERED WAIST DEEP INTO HER AS YET UNTOUCHED FEMININE FLOWER. I PLOWED HER PASSION PERSIMMON WITH THE INTENSITY OF A MASSIVE BULL STALLION. SHE WAS HELPLESS TO RESIST THE SUCCESSIVE WAVES OF INSEMINATING SENSUAL EXCTASY THAT EMANATED FROM MY MASSIVE MAN-CANNON. MY DEVASTING DAMSEL DESTROYER DEFTLY FILLED THE FULL LENGTH OF HER VAGINAL CAVITY. AFTER THIRTY TWO CONSECUTIVE HOURS OF PURE PUSSY POUNDING, I PROCEEDED TO PUMMEL HER POOPER WITH MY PATENTED PURE� OF POTENT PROGENY-MAKERS. THE WENCH WAS UNABLE TO WALK FOR WEEKS AFTER BEING SUBJECTED TO MY UNSTOPPABLE UNDERGARMENT DESTROYER. APPROACHING THE THIRD DAY OF RELENTLESS RAIDING OF HER WET WOMANHOOD, I FINALLY GAVE IN TO HER PLEAS FOR PAUSE. AS SHE ROSE TO LEAVE MY ROOM, I WHIPPED MY PRIME CUT OF POWERFUL POLE-MEAT ACROSS THE ROOM, AND FILLED HER WITH ENOUGH SEMEN TO GIVE HER A LIFETIME ZIMMER EXPERIENCE.

THAT WOMAN WAS YOUR MOTHER. I GUARANTEE IT.
The Real Zimmer, Part Five

HI, I'M THE REAL GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. I AM ONE HUNDRED PERCENT COMMITTED TO SHOWING ASPIRING ZIMMERS SUCH AS THE ORIGINAL POSTER THE TOOLS OF THE TRADE. WITH MY PROVEN CRASH COURSE, HE'LL LEARN VOLUMES OF PAINFULLY ENFORCED KNOWLEDGE AS I CLUTCH 800 SOLID INCHES OF AUTHORITY INTO HIS TIGHTLY KNIT ASSHOLE. HE'LL GRADUATE AT THE TOP OF HIS CLASS WHILE I WEAVE A FINELY TAILORED 3-BUTTON ONE PIECE BUSINESS SUIT OUT OF HIS NUBILE, VIRGIN NETHER REGIONS. YOU TOO, CAN BE A ZIMMER. I GUARANTEE IT.
Mrs. Zimmer

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ONE DAY I WAS AT HOME, HELPING MY WIFE TO A HANDSOME HELPING OF MY HAIRY HOT DOG. AS SHE SQUIRMED BENEATH MY GENEROUS GIRTH, I NOTICED A FAMILIAR IMAGE ON THE TV - ME. AS I LEANED TOWARD THE TELEVISION, THE IMAGE OF MY DAPPER SUIT CAUSED MY LUSCIOUS LOINS TO PUMP INTO OVERDRIVE. I SMASHED INTO MY WIFE'S VAGINA LIKE TED KENNEDY OFF A PIER, AND SOON FOUND MYSELF REACHING ORGASM TO MY HANDSOME VOICE. I SHOT FORTH A GARGANTUAN GOURD OF GODLIKE GROUPINGS, SPLATTERING MY WIFE IN MORE EGG WHITE THAN A CHINESE COOK'S HANDS. I GUARANTEE IT.
Supermarket

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. YESTERDAY I WAS STROLLING IN THE SUPERMARKET WHEN A FLIRTATIOUSLY FUCKABLE FEMALE CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF THE BURLY BULGE IN MY BOXERS. AS SHE INTRODUCED HERSELF I ALREADY HAD HER HEAVENLY HOMOLOGOUS HIPS PINNED TO THE WALL WITH MY LIMBER LOCOMOTIVE OF LIBIDO. SHE MOANED WHILE MY SUMPTUOUS SEXY SERPENTINE SEMEN-SYRINGE VICIOUSLY VIOLATED HER VAGINA AFTER ASSAULTING AN ARRAY OF HER ORIFICES. WHEN I RETIRED FROM RAVAGING HER RAVENOUS RAVINES OF REPRODUCTION I PUMPED PINT AFTER PINT OF PALE PENIS-PUDDING DEEP INSIDE HER CAVERNOUS CUM-CRATER. SHE CAME SO HARD, THE STORE IS STILL FULL OF WET FLOOR SIGNS. I GUARANTEE IT.
Miniskirt

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. ONE FINE DAY AS I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET I SPIED A WOMAN IN A MINISKIRT THAT WAS BENDING DOWN TO GET A NEWSPAPER. AS SHE DID I HAD A PERFECT ANGLE AT THOSE ROUND, WHITE, BEAUTIFUL, DAZZLING, FIRM ASS CHEEKS. IT WAS AT ABOUT THIS POINT THAT WHAT ONCE WAS A FLACCID APPENDAGE BETWIXT MY LEGS BECAME A QUIVERING YET RIGID BATON GENERATING ENOUGH HEAT THAT THE GRASS AROUND ME TURNED BROWN AND BURST INTO FLAMES. THE CHEAP VINYL PANELING MELTED ONTO ITSELF LIKE A 3RD DEGREE BURN. BEFORE SHE COULD GET AWAY I RAMMED MY SHILLELAGH INTO UNDULATING, PULSATING, CUNT ONLY FOR HER TO SPRAY MY CUDGEL DOWN WITH GALLONS OF HER GOODY-GOODY-PUSSY-GOO. WHEN IT WAS MY TURN TO SHOOT THE SHERBERT I THREW HER TO THE GROUND AND CAME ON HER BACK SO HARD IT SLID HER TWENTY FEET DOWN THE SIDEWALK AND WITH SUCH A VELOCITY THAT IT HAD THE EFFECT OF SANDBLASTING THE CONCRETE CLEAN OF DOGSHIT AND BUBBLE GUM. THE SCENT OF IT COULD BE SMELLED FOUR BLOCKS AWAY AND ANYONE WHO INHALED WAS INSTANTLY CURED OF ANY SINUS INFECTIONS THEY HAD. I GUARANTEE IT.
Sexcapades

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I COME BEARING YOU YET ANOTHER STORY OF SEXUAL ESCAPADES, TO BE FROM NOW ON KNOWN AS "SEXCAPADES" OF ME AND MY GOLDEN GARGANTUAN GASH GRINDER. THE STORY STARTS ABOUT THREE WEEKS TUESDAY AGO, I WAS CALMLY STROLLING THE CITY JUST OUTSIDE OF THE PARK, WHEN IN THE CORNER OF MY EYE I SAW A MOTHER BREAST FEEDING HER CHILD. NATURALLY WHEN I SEE A SIGHT I TURN THE OTHER CHEEK AND LET IT BE, BUT THIS, THIS WOMAN, I COULD NOT ALLOW THAT PRE-PLOWED PINK PLEASURE-HOLE TO BE TORTURED ANY LONGER, I FLEXED MY MIGHTY MAN MEAT MAULER SO IT'D RIP RIGHT THROUGH MY BRAND NEW SUIT PANTS AND AS MY TEN-TONNE TENTANOUS TORPEDO QUICKLY HASTENED TOWARDS HER BABY CANNON THERE WAS A BRIEF MOMENT OF SHOCK, AWE, FEAR, AND GRANDEUR. SHE HURLED THE BABY AWAY AND SPREAD WIDE HER LEGS FOR DOCKING, IT WAS MERE MINUTES BEFORE MY FLOPPING FLESH FLOUNDER LET LOOSE A GEYSER OF CONTINUOUS CORPULENT CHILD COCKTAIL. I THEN LEFT HER IN THE PARK COVERED, SHE STARTED SOBBING BECAUSE SHE KNOWS SO WELL SHE'LL NEVER GET THE EXPERIENCE AGAIN. I GUARANTEE IT.
bel air

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE

NOW THIS IS THE STORY ALL ABOUT HOW EVERY PERSON IN THIS WORLD CAN�T RESIST MY PLOW AND I�D LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE TO TALK ABOUT MY KIT YOU�LL LIKE THE WAY IT LOOKS�I GUARANTEE IT

IN NEW YORK CITY, BORN AND RAISED POLISHING MY PISTOL�S HOW I SPENT MY DAYS FINGERING, TINKERING, TOUCHING UP MY TOOL CLEANING IT AND MAKING ALL THE LOVELY LADIES DROOL WHEN SUPERMAN FELL FROM THE SKIES ABOVE, SAID, �I CAN PWN YOUR PURPLE-HELMETED WARRIOR OF LOVE�. SO I GAVE HIM A TASTE OF MY PILE-DRIVING PLEXUS AND REALIZED, �I SHOULD MAKE MEN�S SUITS IN TEXAS�.

I HAILED FOR A CAB AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR IT HAD A STICKER THAT SAID �OBJECTS SMALLER IN MIRROR�. SAID I TO THE CABBIE �I CAN PROVE THAT WRONG!� SO I SHOWED THE GOOD SIR MY SIZEABLE SCHLONG IT VERILY WAS A SIGHT THAT HE JUST COULDN�T QUIT AND THAT�S WHEN I FIRST PROCLAIMED, �I GUARANTEE IT!�

I PULLED UP TO MY MANSION WITH A TRUCK OF WOMEN AND GAVE THEM ALL A TASTE OF MY OMNIPOTENT SEMEN LOOKED AT MY KINGDOM AND KNEW I WOULD FIT AND THAT�S HOW I CAME TO SAY, �I GUARANTEE IT�.
mancano

HI I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WEARHOUSE. I HAVE BECOME AWARE THAT YOU /B/TARDS HAVE BEEN SOILING MY GRACIOUS NAME ON THE INTERNET AND ATTEMPTING TO TARNISH MY STREET REP WITH YOUR FALSITIES AND ACCUSSATIONS THAT I AM NOT THE REAL DEAL. CLEARLY THERE IS SOME CONFUSION HERE. YOU /B/TARDS TREAD DANGEROUS GROUND IN YOUR ATTEMPT TO DECLARE ME AND MY GARGANTUAN GRAVY GEYSER A FRAUD. CLEARLY, YOU ARE VICTIM OF YOUR OWN RUSE HERE, CHARLATANS. MY THROAT RENDING MAN-TRUNCHEON WILL HEAR NO MORE OF YOUR LIES. ONE COULD CALL YOUR ACTIONS HERE HERESY, BECAUSE AS ANY /B/TARD KNOWS, MY ASS SHATTERING MAN SHUTTLE RIVALS, NO, SURPASSES THE MIGHT OF THE GODS THEMSELVES. JESUS DID NOT DIE BY CRUCIFIXION, HE WAS DRIVEN UNDER BY AN ONSLAUGHT OF MY SUFFOCATING SACK SAUCE. SO DRAW YOUR WEAPONS AND MAKE YOURSELF HEARD, AND PREPARE YOURSELF TO PERISH IN THE CHAOS OF A MANCANO ERUPTION THAT KNOWS NO EQUAL. I GUARANTEE IT. 

That's it.

I don't even know where the fuck to begin...
Why do people like you find dead bodies something to joke about? You think because you get to sit in your warm homes on a computer that you can just joke about horrible things like this? What the actual fuck is wrong with you guys? This is very fucked up, yet crazy assfucks like you are posting dead things like it's nothing. Sick fucks, doing this shit does fucking nothing. So you want to come on an imageboard to be an asshole about things like this? Let me tell you guys, you are all fucking weak. You would never be useful to the world with such behavior you present. Honestly why do people like you guys even exist? I bet you don't even know about half of what people have gone through from then till now when they have someone they've known die. You are all such disgusting bullies. Isn't it bad enough that people go through hardships of their loved ones? Seriously what do you guys really find funny about this? Stupid fuckers I'm so angry right now that I wish I can fucking punch my computer screen so that my fist can get a good hit on that asshole face of yours, OP. Sick fucks. Seriously, just fucking grow up and actually act properly about death. Stupid fuck, keep eating those cheetoes that you stain on your shirts every day.

What in the name of science did you just say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in Evolutionary Quantum Physics, and I have over 300 featured publications. I am trained in the Theory of Evolution and I'm the top scholar in the entire scientific world. You are nothing to me but another non thinker. I will teach you the Evolution of the human genome with the largest amount of scientific proof that has ever been seen; mark my words. You think you can get away with still believing in God? Think again, bigot. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of top scientists and scholars across the USA and you're going to be forced to accept science and reason, so you better prepare for your awakening, sir. The awakening that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call christianity. You'll be educated soon, sir. I can teach you anywhere, anytime, and I can recite by name over seven hundred common ancestors of man, and that's just off the top of my head. Not only am I extensively trained in scientific debate, but I have access to the entire literature of the University of Cambridge and I will use it to its full extent to bring you into Atheism, you little Jesus lover. If only you could have known what retribution your belief system was about to bring down upon you, maybe you wouldn't have challenged Atheism. But you couldn't, you didn't and now you're paying the price, you goddamned christian. I will teach the Theory of Evolution all over you and you will drown in it. You'll be an Atheist soon, kiddo

What the fuck did you just fucking say to me, you little bitch? I�ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the League of Shadows, and I�ve been involved in numerous secret raids on The mob, and I have beaten over 300 confirmed criminals. I am trained in ninjitsu and I�m the top detective in Gotham You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before in this city, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with wearing hockey pads? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am using my secret network of sonar phones across the city and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, scum. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You�re fucking done, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can beat the shit out of you in over seven hundred ways, and that�s just with my tangerine. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Lucious Fox and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little �clever� comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn�t, you didn�t, and now you�re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit justice all over you and you will drown in it. You�re fucking dead, kiddo. Im the goddamn Batman.

What the flip did thee just flipping gabble about me, thine miniscule bitch? I�ll have thee know I bested the most prestigious jousting class in the whole of Camelot, and I hath been involved in numerous secret marches on behalf of his Majesty, King Arthur, and I hath over 300 confirmed victories on horseback. I am trained in castle of Guerrilla warfare and I am indeed the highest ranking joustee in the entire land of Great Britannia. Thee are nothing to me but another false crossbearer. I will joust thine shambles with precision the likes of which hath never been observed in the King�s lands, mark my flipping words! Thou think thou can escape retribution by shouting that hogwash at me from afar? I implore thee to think again, peasant. As we converse I am contacting my secretive network of knights across the realm and thine footsteps are being traced right now, so thou best prepare thineself for the storm, pig-maggot! The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing thou call your armour. Thou art a flipping dead man. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill thou in over seven hundred ways, and that�s just with my bare lance. Not only am I extensively trained in mounted combat, but I hath access to the entire arsenal of the Kings Royal Army, and I shall use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable derriere off the face of the realm, thou miniscule feaces. If only thou could have foreseen what unholy retribution your little �clever� challenge was about to bring down upon thee, maybe thou would have held thee flipping tongue. But thou couldn�t, thou didn�t, and now thee art paying the price, you goddamn fool. I shall shit fury all over thou britches and thee will drown in it. Thou art flipping dead, child.

What in the devil�s name did y�all just say about me, you little sinner? I�ll have you know I graduated top of my class in Bible School, been involved in numerous Billy Graham crusades, and have over 300 confirmed soul-savings. I am trained in New Testament apologetics and am the top converter in the entire Baptist Church. Y�all ain�t nothin� to me but another sinnin� atheist. I will bring you to Jesus with a passion the likes of which ain�t never before been seen on this Earth, y�all mark what I�m sayin�. You think you can get away with that there sinful talk over the Internet? Think again, pagan. As we speak I�m contactin� my secret network of deacons across the USA and your local church address is being traced right now so you better prepare for the sermon, devil�s child. The sermon that wipes the blackness right out of your soul. Your sinful days are over, kid. I can radio evangelize anywhere, anytime, and I can bring you to Jesus in over 700 different ways, and that�s just with bare Bible verses. Not only am I extensively trained in hermeneutics, but I have access to the entire hymnal collection of the Protestant Church and I will use it to its full extent to see that you know who the Lord Jesus is. If only you could have known what kind of fire and brimstone preachin� your little �clever� comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your blasphemous tongue. But you couldn�t, you didn�t, and now you�re payin� the tithe, you unredeemed heathen. You�re goin� to Hell.

What in the Lord's name did you just say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in Ministry school, and I have over 300 confirmed conversions. I am trained in the Baptist religion and I'm the top missionary in the entire Christian world. You are nothing to me but another infidel. I will teach you the word of God with the largest gospel choir that has ever been seen, mark my words. You think you can get away with rejecting Christ? Think again, sinner. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of pastors and priests across the USA and you're going to be forced to accept Jesus as your lord and saviour, so you better prepare for your baptism, sir. The baptism that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call atheism. You're Christian soon, sir. I can teach you anywhere, anytime, and I can preach in over seven hundred languages, and that's just off the top of my head. Not only am I extensively trained in reciting the bible from memory, but I have access to the entire literature of the Archdiocese of the Americas and I will use it to its full extent to bring you into Christianity, you little atheist. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your heresy was about to bring down upon you, maybe you wouldn't have challenged the existence of God. But you couldn't, you didn't and now you're paying the price, you goddamned sinner. I will teach Christianity all over you and you will drown in it. You'll be a believer soon, kiddo.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about DC, you little bitch? I�ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the art college, and I�ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Anime, and I have over 300 published comics. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I�m the top publisher in the entire US comics industry. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You�re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that�s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed bitching, but I have access to the entire arsenal of lawyers and angry writers on twitter and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little �clever� comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn�t, you didn�t, and now you�re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You�re fucking dead, kiddo.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little shit? I�ll have you know I graduated top of Japan and I�m responsible for heart attacks of criminals world wide, and I have 124,925 confirmed kills. I trained myself to be the best in a battle of wits and I�m the god of this new world. You are nothing to me but just another name. I will wipe you the fuck out in a method that you can�t even comprehend, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the internet? Think again fucker. As we speak I am contacting all my followers and your personal file is being brought to my location right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You�re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime and kill you in over 2 million differant ways, and that�s just with my notebook. Not only am I extensively trained in finding out your name, but I have access to the entire arsenal of over 30 thousand world wild followers and I will use them to their full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of this continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what holy retribution your little �clever� statement was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would of held you fucking tounge. But you couldn�t, you didn�t, and now you�re paying the price, you god damn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You�re fucking dead, kiddo

What in the name of Talos did you just say to me, you milk drinker? I'll have you know I am the Dragonborn, and I've been on numerous raids on dragons and I have over 300 dragon souls. I am trained in the Thu'um and I'm the top archer in the entire Imperial Legion. You are nothing to me but just another enemy. I will kill you with arrows the likes of which has never been seen before on Nirn, mark my words. You think you can just say that to me over the webs created by the Dwemer? Think again, milk drinker. As we speak I am contacting my Dark Brotherhood assassins across Tamriel and your hold is being traced right now so you better prepare for the Call Storm shout, milk drinker. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call Mundus. You are going to be sent to Aetherius, milk drinker. I can be at any hold, any time, and can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my Thu'um. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Imperial Legion and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of Mundus, you milk drinker. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" opinionated statement was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you fool. I will shout fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're dead, milk drinker.

By the Nine Divines! What did you just say about me, you little skeeverbutt? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the College of Winterhold, and I've been known to cast one hell of a fireball, and I have over 300 confirmed summons. I am trained in daedric warfare and I'm the swords master of the entire Imperial forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will make you beg to Akatosh as I bend you over like a common whelp, mark my words, on my oath as the Dovahkiin. You think you can come into my mind through this magic device and insult me? Think again, scum. As we speak I have every assassin and thief across all of Tamriel looking for your initial position so you better prepare for the storm atronach, you Draugr. The storm atronach that wipes out the pathetic little husk you call your life. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my dragon shouts! Not only am I extensively trained in archery and horseback riding, but I have access to the entire congregation of the Thieves Guild, Dark Brotherhood, Mages College, and untold hordes of Daedric warriors, and I will use every one of them to banish you to the plane of Oblivion. If only you could have had the clairvoyance to see what divine retribution your little "clever" runes were about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue you dark skin. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will become the embodiment of Mehrunes Dagon, and open a portal to Oblivion the likes of which you have never seen. You're fucking dead, milk-drinker.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you male pig? I'll have you know I graduated top of my Womyn's Studies class, and I've been involved in numerous demonstrations against oppression of womynkind, and I have over 300 signatures on my petition. I am trained in debate tactics and I'm the top speaker in the entire Feminist Frequency. You are nothing to me but just another cis scum. I will reeducate the fuck out of you with feminism the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, male oppressor. As we speak I am contacting my public network of activists across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, misogynist. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your worldview. You're fucking dead, nerd. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can disprove your biased theories in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with no preparation time. Not only am I extensively trained in rhetorics, but I have access to the entire funding of the Tropes vs Women in Video Games project and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable opinions off the face of the Internet, you rapist. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you godessdamn idiot. I will rain empowerment all over womyn and your cisprivilege will drown in it. Your rape culture is over, man.

What the fuck did you just fucking type about me, you little bitch? I�ll have you know I graduated top of my class at MIT, and I�ve been involved in numerous secret raids with Anonymous, and I have over 300 confirmed DDoSes. I am trained in online trolling and I�m the top hacker in the entire world. You are nothing to me but just another virus host. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on the Internet, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with typing that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we chat over IRC I am tracing your IP with my damn bare hands so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your computer. You�re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can hack into your files in over seven hundred ways, and that�s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in hacking, but I have access to the entire arsenal of every piece of malware ever created and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the world wide web, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little �clever� comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking fingers. But you couldn�t, you didn�t, and now you�re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit code all over you and you will drown in it. You�re fucking dead, kiddo.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little pleb? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in Art School, and I've been involved in numerous listens of NMH on vinyl , and I have over 3000 confirmed songs in my Foobar 2000 playlist. I am trained in songwriting and tumblr use and I'm the top vinyl collector in the record store I work at. You are nothing to me but just another mainstream listening pleb. I will wipe you the fuck out with music the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am readying my field recordings, be prepared for a storm of 2deep4u. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your taste. Not only am I extensively trained in tumblr use, but I have access to the entire collection over at Amoeba Records and I will use it to its full extent to better your miserable pleb taste. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit obscurity all over you and you will drown in it. You're a fucking pleb, kiddo.

What ze fuck did you just fucking say about me, you verdammter Jude? I'll have you know I graduated top of mein class in ze Hitlerjugend, and I've been involved in numerous secret Gestapo raids in Berlin, and I have over 300 million confirmed executions. I am trained in gorilla gassing and I am ze top sniper in ze entire Wehrmacht. You are nothing to me but just another race traitor. I will wipe you ze fuck out with precision ze likes of which has never been seen before on this Reich, mark mein fucking words. You think you can get away with saying zat schei�e to me over ze Internet? Think again, arschloch. As vee speak I am contacting mein secret network of spies across Deutschland and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for ze storm, bl�del. Ze storm zat wipes out ze pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and zat's just with mein machinenpistole. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed kampf, but I have access to ze entire arsenal of ze Wehrmacht forces and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable arsch off ze face of ze Reich, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy blitzkrieg your little "clever" kommentar was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying ze price, you verdammter dummkopf. I will shit Zyklon B all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.

What the heck did you just flipping say about me, you big meanie? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Tiny Tots Program, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on the girl's bathroom, and I have over 300 confirmed noogies. I am trained in Nerf warfare and I have the most gold stars in the entire kindergarten class. You are nothing to me but just another butthead. I will beat you the heck up with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my dang words. You think you can get away with saying that baloney to me on the glowy type-box? Think again, doodiehead. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of teachers across the USA and your parents are being called to pick you up right now so you better prepare for the spanking, junior. The spanking that wipes out the dumb little thing you call your playtime. You're in big darn trouble, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can wedgie you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed fartfights, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States PTA and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your dorky bottom off the face of the playground, you little poopypants. If only you could have known what serious punishments your little "smartypants" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your goshdarned tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you silly doofus. I will spray boogers all over you and you will cry about it. You're frickin grounded, buttmunch.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I�ll have you know I graduated top of my class in my MW3 clan, and I�ve been involved in numerous team deathmatches on teams from all over the world, and I have over 3000000000 confirmed kills on my ktd ratio. I am trained in guerrilla warfare and I�m the top sniper in the entire US server of MW3. You are nothing to me but just another female gamer. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across my gaming forums and youtube and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You�re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytimebecaue my four x-boxes are always running, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that�s just with my ballestic knife. Not only am I extensively trained in backstabs and grenades, but I have access to noobtubes and aerial strikes and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the x-box server, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little �clever� comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn�t, you didn�t, and now you�re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You�re fucking dead, kiddo. Say goodbye to your ktd.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you puta pequeno? I�ll have you know I graduated top of my class in Los Zetas, and I�ve been involved in numerous executions on the Sinaloas, and I have over 300 public beheadings. I am trained in chainsaw warfare and I�m the top decapitator in all of Juarez. You are nothing to me but just another head waiting to be severed. I will detatch it with a lack of precision and cutting force the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, gringo. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of mariachi bands across the USA and a narcocorrido is being written about you right now so you better prepare for the chainsaw, gordo. The chainsaw that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your head. You�re fucking dead, paco. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in exactly one way, and that�s with my brand new Husqvarna 440 chainsaw. Not only am I extensively trained in chainsaw combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the local hardware store and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable head off the face of the body, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little �clever� comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn�t, you didn�t, and now you�re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over your head and your head will come off in it. You�re fucking dead, gringo.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the NASA Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Mars, and I have over 300 confirmed launches. I am trained in rocket science and I'm the top astronaut in the entire US space program. You are nothing to me but just another planet. I will orbit you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this solar system, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of aerospace engineers across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the launch, maggot. The launch that launches the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can launch you to the moon in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in rocket science, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration and I will use it to its full extent to launch your miserable ass off the face of the planet, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will launch shit all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little red bitch orb? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the gas giants, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids elliptical orbits, and I have over 300 confirmed storms in my might atmostphere. I am the furthest planet in the solar system and I have the largest liquid water oceans in the known universe. You are nothing to me but just another point of light. I will wipe you the divert comets at your with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on Earth or mars, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of moons across the solar system and your orbital path is being traced right now so you better prepare for the apocalypse, maggot. The impact that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your world. Your fucking dead, kid. I can anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you with a comet over seven miles wide, and that's just with my gravity. Not only am I a large body of mass, but I have access to the entire arsenal of moons and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the solar system, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution you little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.

What the shrek did you just shreking say about me, you little puss? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Shreks, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on fairytale creatures, and I have over 300 confirmed swamps. I am trained in donkeh warfare and I'm the top shreker in the entire Duloc armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will shrek you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this swamp, mark my shreking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, shreker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of pixies across Duloc and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, swamp maggot. The storm that shreks out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking shreked, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can shrek you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare ear tube antenna things. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed shrek, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Duloc Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to shrek your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little puss. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your shreking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're shreking shreked, kiddo.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch. I�ll have you know my name is John, and I woke up this morning 5:30 sharp to the smell of wet pussy. I was getting a blowjob from two bitches (Shit was SO Cash), one was trying to fit my humongous 3 pound balls in her mouth while the other was choking halfway on my 18 and 3\8 inch dick. She started to squirt hard, she was convulsing and having 6 orgasms at the same time. I gave it to them and they were on the floor squirting like motherfucking fountains. Must have come about a quart of sperm and compressed air. Imagine your best orgasm, then multiply it by 35. I had to go to base camp so I front-flipped from my 14th floor barracks into my valet parked 2012 Ferrari (I got connexions). Pushed my shit to about 4 hundo (mph, mind you) and I was at base camp in no time. When I entered, I became a top sniper and was granted access to the entire arsenal of the USMC. I learned how to kill someone in over 700 different ways and was assigned to be the leader of a squad that will kill 300 terrorists using gorilla warfare tactics. Also did 6000 push-ups, 8000 sit-ups and bench-pressed 30 plates in 16 minutes. After basic training, I met a network of secret spies who will help me trace your IP address, while eating gold plated sushi and 15,000 $ champagne. My unit got the rest of the day off and I became captain of our base�s football team and starter of the basketball team. I got straight A�s on the military entrance exams and received more awards. Meanwhile, you were jacking off to pictures on Facebook and naked drawn Japanese people. Went back in the Lambo to my barracks and now I am getting ready to go to sleep. I am going to graduate at the top of my class in the Navy Seals tomorrow and I want to look pretty much perfect for it. Don�t be a stranger and remember, I did more in one day than you will your entire life

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Special Ed, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on the candy drawer, and I have over 300 confirmed gold stars. I am trained in gorilla conversation and I'm the top crafter in the entire US education system. You are nothing to me but just another conversation doll. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of aspies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can confuse you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed conversation, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Johnson School Gym and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit spaghetti all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you rebel scum? I'll have you know I was the last Supreme Chancellor of the Republic, and I started the Clone Wars, and I have over 300 controlled solar sectors. I am trained in the Dark Side of the Force and I'm the top Sith in the entire Galactic Empire. Your planet is nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe it the fuck out with power the likes of which has never been seen before in this galaxy, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the holonet? Think again, Jedi. As we speak I am contacting my apprentice from across the galaxy and your rebel base is being traced right now so you better prepare for the 501st, Jedi scum. The 501st that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your rebel base. You're fucking dead, Jedi. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just without my lightsaber. Not only am I extensively trained in Dark Side combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the galactic empirial stormtroopers and I will use them to their full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the galaxy, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" destruction of my Death Star was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have retreated your fucking X wing. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn rebel. I will shoot lightning all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, Jedi.

What the bong did you just fucking say about me, you little stoner? I'll have you know I smoked the most ganja in my class at Washington State University, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on the fridge when I get the munchies, and I have over 420 confirmed puffs. I am trained in lighting blunts in the rain and I'm the top stoner in the entire city of Seattle. You are nothing to me but just another joint. I will light you up with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words bro. You think you can get away with selling that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of dealers across the USA and your strain is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, bro. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your crop. You're fucking baked, kid. I can smoke anywhere, anytime, and I can smoke blunts you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in one-hand smoking, but I have access to the entire hydroponic greenhouse of the Northwest and I will use it to its full extent to get high as a kite. I will spray bong water all over you and you will drown in it. I'm fucking blazed, officer.

What the swag did you just fucking yolo about me, you little wayne? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the SwagFags, and I've been involved in numerous Obey Records , and I have over 300 confirmed Swaggers. I am trained in wearing snapbacks and I'm the top poser in the entire Swagfag Army. You are nothing to me but just another No swag. I will swag you the fuck out with swagger the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking hashtags. You think you can get away with not taking pictures in the mirror over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my mom, she has alot of swag, and your ratchet ass is being traced right now so you better prepare for the yolo, nigga. The yolo that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your swag. You're fucking dead, nigga. I can swag anywhere, anytime, and I can swag in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my baggy skinny jeans. Not only am I extensively trained in having plugs and snake bites, but I have access to the entire Hollister store. and I will use it to its full swagginess to wipe your miserable swag off the face of tumblr, you little Non-trend follower. I will swag yolo all over you and you will swag in it. You're fucking dead, nigga.

What the foghorn did you just ruffing say about me, you little noob? I�ll have you know I've soloed the Trolley of Toontown Central and I�m responsible for the dating shows of cats via Toon Valley, and I have 195 pink slips. I trained my toon to be the best in a battle of level twelves and I�m the 137 of this district. You are nothing to me but just another moocher. I will wipe you the heckle out in a method called reporting , mark my words. You think you can get away with saying meow to me on Toontown? Think again NOOB. As we speak I am contacting all my 100 laff friends and your toon is being brought to my location right now so you better prepare for greening, parker. The greening that wipes out the lovely things you call your level seven gags. You�re being sent back to the playground, kid. I can be in any lobby, anytime and green you in over 4 different bosses, and that�s just with my 34 laff uber. Not only am I trained in soloing the CEO, but I have teleport access for all of the playgrounds including the headquarters. If only you could have known what your crappy gameplay was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would of trained your gags more efficiently. But you didn�t, and now you�re paying the price, I will bring you into the VP to green you. I will also dc you in the middle of a back nine and you will cry over it. You�re getting disconnected. Love your friendly little lacker.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you worthless heretic? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Space Marines, and I've led an incomprehensible number of secret raids against the forces of chaos, and I have over 30 million confirmed purgings. I am trained in armored warfare and I'm the top Ultramarine in all the Space Marine Chapters. You are nothing to me but just another heretic. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before in this universe, mark my fucking words.
You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Warp? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the galaxy and your powers are being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bolter.
Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Adeptus Mechanicus and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the planet, you little shit. If only you could have known what holy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot.

What the fuck did you just fucking snikt about me, you little bub? I�ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Avengers, and I�ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Utopia, and I have over 3,000,000 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I�m the best at what I do in the entire Canadian armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another bub. I will snikt you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit about me over the Internet? Think again, bub. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You�re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that�s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Royal Canadian Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little �clever� comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn�t, you didn�t, and now you�re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You�re fucking snikted, bub.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0126ASY7hjr


What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I�ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I�ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I�m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You�re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that�s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little �clever� comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn�t, you didn�t, and now you�re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You�re fucking dead, kiddo.

Dude are you for real right now? You have got to be kidding me you fucking faggy piece of shit. I bet 1000 dollars you are a fucking liar. You fucking guido tool douchebag.
1. You are too young and shitty to even graduate from school
2. In case you did. How many blowjobs did you give to graduate?
3. Secret raids on Al-Quaeda? I bet you only sucked Osama's dick
4. 300 confirmed kills? I think you meant 300 confirmed anal sex with men
5. It's Guerrilla warfare, you fucking ass douchebag cunt
6. You think your cool for getting trolled for reading this?
7. I don't give a fuck if you come to my house with your spy bitches, I will beat the fuck out of you
8. Only with your bare hands? I bet you can only do handjobs, fag
9. The entire arsenal? you are a fucking faggot lier
10. If your SO badass, than why are you on /b/?
11. You better watch yourself because I will fucking hunt you down myself.

Okay, so you expect me to believe that you were the very best that your generation of Navy SEALs had to offer? I highly doubt that. If you were as good as you say you were, i don't think for a second that you would be browsing 4chan. This is mostly a place for jobless neckbeards that still live with their parents, and nerdy high school kids that don't have any friends. It really isn't the place for highly-trained assassins to be hanging out in their spare time. Even if it was, something far worse than a troll being mean to you probably would have set you off a long time ago. What about the slew of gore and child pornography that gets posted here on a regular basis? Isn't that something that deserves a person being hunted down and made to regret their actions? Yeah, you're just not the 4chan type. Sure, there's a wide variety of people that browse here, but you're far from the core demographic if you are who you say you are (which isn't the case). Even if it were true that you're an incredibly talented soldier, I think all the military discipline would prevent you from getting mad enough to murder some random idiot on the internet. I also doubt that even the best SEALs have a "secret network of spies across the USA". Why would all of the most expanisive Big Brother network in the world be willing to help a troubled PTSD-sufferer hunt down some random kid on the internet? That doesn't even make sense. If you're gonna try to scare somebody, make it more believable than "IM A SUPER SOLDIER HURR DURR". You might frighten a thirteen year old who doesn't know any better, but to must of us you just look like a kid with an anger problem and a very active imagination. Hopefully things will be easier for you when your puberty's over. Best of luck with that... kiddo

>ask girl out on a date
>she says yes
>ask her what time her dad can drive us to the movies
>she just gives me a blank stare
>ok well you guys should pick me up around 7
>give her a fist bump and run home in excitement
>her and her dad pick me up around 7
>no one says a word on the way there
>he drops us off
>as I'm getting out of the car I stop and ask him for the money for the movie
>he just stares at me
>politely inform him movies don't grow on trees
>he gives me $30
>I clear my throat and keep my hand out
>he gives me another $10
>I roll my eyes and say "thanks, guy" really sarcastically
>girl I asked out is looking super embarrassed
>get to the ticket window
>ask her "did your dad give you any money for the movie?"
>she looks like she's about to cry
>"well you should call him because he only gave me enough for myself and some food"
>we didn't go on a second date

I'd like to hurr for a moment. What you are referring as Durr, is in fact, Hurr/Durr, or as I've recently taken to herping it, Hurr plus Durr. Durr is not a hurp durp unto itself, but rather another hurr durr of a fully functioning derp made useful by the Hurr herps, derr utilities and vital herr components comprising a full hurrdurr as defined by HURPDURP.

Many derp users run a modified version of the Hurr system every day, without realizing it. Through a peculiar turn of events, the version of Hurr which is widely used today is called Durr, and many of its users are not aware that it is basically the Durr system, developed by the Hurr Project.

There really is a Durr, and these people are herping it, but it is just a part of the derp they use. Hurr is the durr, the derpderp in the herpherp that hurps the durp's hurrs to the other durps that you hurp. The hurr is an essential part of a hurr, but useless by itself; it can only function in the context of a complete DURR. Durr is normally used in combination with the Hurr DURR: the whole durr is basically Hurr with Durr added, or Hurr/Durr. All the so-called durr distributions are really hurrs of Hurr/Durr.

Hey, just thought I'd let you know that I reported this thread to the police who are on the case of finding out your location and shutting the site down, I spent an hour with the internet's customer service department, and I've also emailed every major and local radio/news/media corporation today and am awaiting response. I'm more than confident that through my contacts and sources I will find your address and then publicly humiliate you and out you for the being the most incredibly mentally disturbed person I have seen in a long time. I hope the choice you made to make this immature post was worth the hassle your about to get. I understand you like the aggressive comments so instead I decided to be practical. I believe you are a very sad, immature person, and thus made a controversial post on the internet to get some attention and thus feel like you have a purpose. I hope you mature, find someone, and realize that your not only upsetting everyone else, but you are actually the one who is lonely and upset and needs to find some peace within their-self, otherwise you will have a very lonely time on earth my friend

Is Windows a Virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1) They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2) Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3) Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay,
Windows does that too.

4) Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

5) Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with
Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running
on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and
they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is
not a virus.

It's a bug.

What do vampires use for teabags?
Used Tampons.

What did the lesbian vampire say to her mate?
See you in a month.

What do gay jews speak
Heblew

what has two legs and bleeds?
half a cat

why did the plane crash into the ocean?
because the pilot was a loaf of bread

what's the differnce between a pizza and a dead baby?
I don't jack off onto a pizza before I slice it up and eat it.

why do nazi's make such crappy cakes.
because all the good ovens are full

What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her VAGINA?
Only some of the things that come out of her VAGINA are retarded.

whats green and has wheels?
grass

... i was joking about the wheels

Why do girls masturbate with these two fingers?
Because they're mine. 

a dude walks into a bar and hes got a giraffe
so the giraffe dies in the bar and the dude
goes to leave, and the bartenders like yo dude
you can't leave that lyin' there!
and the dudes like
it's not a lion, it's a giraffe

a priest and a rabbi are sitting at a bar. 
A 12 year old boy walks by. 
The priest says "wanna fuck him?"
the Rabbi says "out of what?"

So I'm balls deep in this chick and I go into the doggy position, and she goes "doggy style? Isn't that a bit presumptuous?" and I'm like "presumptuous? Isn't that word a little complicated for an 8 year-old to be using?"

Whats the Difference between a bench and a nigger? 
the bench can support a family

Whats faster then a speeding bullet?
a jew with a coupon

Why do jews have big noses?
Because air is free

what's the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne waits till your 13 to come all over your face

I like my women like I like my wine;
12 years old and locked in my cellar.

What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
Depends.

A priest, a rabbi, and a blue whale walk into a bar. The priest asks for a miller lite and gets one. The rabbi asks if the bartender has any kosher beer, he does and he orders one. The blue whale comes up to the bartender and says,"WAAAAHHANARRRARAARAWAHHH!

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and asks
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" 
"Well, let's have a look at him" says the vet. 
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 
"I'm going to have to put him down." 
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?" exclaims the man. 
"No, because he's really heavy."

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole. 

A bear walks into a bar and places his order. "I'll take a gin and.... tonic"
So the bartender says, "What's with the pause?"
And the bear says, "I was born with them."

What did cinderella say when she got to the ball?
*gag*

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer and a mop."

whats black and white and red all over and can't fit through a revolving door? 
a nun with a spear through it's chest

What do you call Mike Tyson with no arms?
Nigger Nigger Nigger

Howdy /v/, my name is Kenichi Smith.

I'm a 27 year old Japanese Toonaholic (Cartoon fan for you foreigners). I draw cartoons and comics on my tablet, and spend my days perfecting my art and playing superior American games. (Halo, Gears of War, Fallout 3)

I train with my revolver every day, this superior weapon can shoot straight through steel because it kicks ass, and is vastly superior to any other weapon on earth. I earned my gun license two years ago, and I have been getting better every day.

I speak English fluently, both the American and the British accents, and I write fluently as well. I know everything about American history and their Constitution, which I follow 100%

When I get my American visa, I am moving to New York to attend a prestigious High School to learn more about their magnificent culture. I hope I can become an animator for Nickelodeon or a game designer for Bethesda!

I own several cowboy outfits, which I wear around town. I want to get used to wearing them before I move to America, so I can fit in easier. I keep cool to my elders and seniors and speak English as often as I can, but rarely does anyone manage to respond.

Wish me luck in America!

I would love to torture Kristen for days. I would pull a knife and tell her I won't hurt her if she keeps quiet (a lie, I'm going to hurt her terribly because I love it). I pin her to the ground and cut off her slutty clothing and use the rags to gag her and tie her hands behind her back.

Then the beating begins, I'm careful to cause maximum pain without ruining her looks, or accidentally killing her. I pay particular attention to stamping on and kicking her arms and thighs so she can't fight back. Once she's left limp and sobbing I relieve my tension by breaking in her cunt. For the rest of the afternoon I repeatedly rape her and cause as much pain as I can. I start off by fetching her cigs from her purse and stubbing out them on her feet, thighs, hips, armpits and ears. Then I use my belt (buckle end) to beat her skinny buttocks into burger meat before raping her asshole.

Sexually sated I can then concentrate on the real torture and mutilation. I tie her very securely and insert a dental gag to prevent her biting her tongue off, or swallowing it. I use my surgical knices and the contents of my toolbox on her small, firm tits, and her whorish shaven cunt. Even through the gag the noises she is making are wonderful and so rewarding. She goes into terrible spasms and falls unconscious, only for me to revive her with a shot of stimulant.

The only way it could be better is if I had a friend from /v/ to help, between torture sessions I would bake cookies and we'd play Goldeneye on my old cathode-ray TV.

Linux Genuine Advantage� is an exciting and mandatory new way for you to place your computer under the remote control of an untrusted third party!

According to an independent study conducted by some scientists, many users of Linux are running non-Genuine versions of their operating system. This puts them at the disadvantage of having their computers work normally, without periodically phoning home unannounced to see if it's OK for their computer to continue functioning. These users are also missing out on the Advantage of paying ongoing licensing fees to ensure their computer keeps operating properly.

Linux Genuine Advantage� works by checking our licensing server periodically to make sure that the copy of Linux you are running is Genuine. This is determined by whether you have paid us the appropriate licensing fees. If you are out of compliance, and are past the grace period, logins to your machine will be disabled until the license fees are paid. How to log in to enter the license key when logins are disabled is left as an exercise for the reader.

Finally! Linux users can experience a feature that until now remained the exclusive domain of proprietary software. 

You guys are fucking sick. Is this all you guys do? Make under-aged threads and promote pedophilia? I have to honestly say, you guys are fucked up. I bet you couldn't do this shit in public or on a normal website. You only do sick and illegal shit by going on to an image board. This pretty much proves you guys are a bunch of lame, weak, pathetic no lifers that can't make better use of their lives.
And by the way, I'm pretty sure 90% of you are just a bunch of 41 year old loners.

Sunday was warm and sunny, just how I always fantasized it would be when I finally went through with it. I stared walking to the sumpster again, I think about 2pm, and I was really excited and nervous. I felt butterflies in my tummy, just anticipagting what I was about to do.

The dumpster is in the alley behind a restaurant near my house. It gets emptied on Tuesdays, so by Sunday it's pretty stinky and there are flies buzzing around. Which means there are things rotting inside there and that's just perfect for me. A few times in the past I climbed into that dumpster and masturbated. Nothing too intense. Most I'd ever done was take off my pants and hump against the dirty garbage bags. And one time I laid there with my legs spread, watching the flies land on me.

So anyway, I walked down the alley to the dumpster, and as usual I made sure nobody was around, just to be extra careful. You have to go behind a tall wooden fence to even see the dumpster, and the restaurant is closed on Sunday anyway, so I knew I wouldn't be noticed. But this time there's no way I want to be disturbed. I climbed up and over the side and onto my hands and knees into the mass of plastic garbage bags and other miscellaneous rubbish. The bags felt warm from the sun. The smell in there was extremely foul, much worse than usual, and I knew it was because of my rotting meat. I sat and tried to get myself to relax for a few minutes. There was no reason to hurry. When I was ready, I calmly took off my sandals, my jeans, and my panties. Both pairs. I was wearing two pairs of tight panties with a bunch of my panty liners in the crotch, which keeps anything in my vagina from coming out when I move around. But I was going "all the way" this time, so I went ahead and got completely naked. That was a weird feeling, being totally nude inside the dumpster. It seemed very erotic to me. The sun felt warm on my skin, especially my boobs, which pretty much never see the sun.

I took a pair of rubber kitchen gloves out of my pants pocket and put them on. There was no way I could bring myself to actually touch a maggot with my bare hands. Lying with my back against the side of the dumpster, I fingeed my pssy. I was really wet already. I knew I would be. The sensation of the rubber glove against my clit felt unusual, and I kind of liked it. I did that for a little while, just thinking about what I was about to do, while staring at the smaller garbage bag in the far corner of the dumpster where I'd left it yesterday. I still felt the butterflies in my tummy. I kept thinking to myself that I can't wimp out, that I had to go through with this. I wished for a moment that someone else was there to force me to do it, but decided that it was somehow much more sick and depraved to do it to myself willingly. And I thought, yeah, that's me. That's what I want. I deserve this. And so I knew it was time to do it

I got back on my hands and knees and crawled to the other side of the dumpster. I sat down next to my garbage bag, gently picked it up and placed it in front of me. The terrible smell was already stronger. Carefully, I tore the bag open. And there they were. There had to be thousands of maggots, kind of beige-yellow with little black spots on them, all writhing in a large mass. I couldn't even see the rotting meat underneath them. Dozens more maggots clung to the inside of the black plastic, which was coated with a thick light-brown slime. It was such a repulsive sight I thought I was going to throw up right there. But I didn't. I took a few minutes to get control of myself, fingering my clit while staring at the maggots, trying to work up the courage to continue.

I scooped up some of the slime on my gloved finger and brought it to my nose. I knew what it was from the reading I'd done before. It was digestive juices from the maggots, full of bacteria. And it smelled just horrible. I thought to myself, that's what I'm going to smell like. That's the stench that's going to come from my vagina. I want that, I thought, spreading my legs wide apart. I dragged my slimy finger between my pussy lips. My clit felt like a hard little pebble beneath the slime. I didn't want to cum right then, though, and I was still right on the edge of gagging, too. But I knew there was no turning back now, so I let my fingers lightly touch the top of the maggot mass. The maggots felt like nothing I'd experienced before. They seemed to have such energy, totally different from picking up an earthworm or something. And they felt so alive. I was fascinated and nauseated at the same time. Sinking my fingers into the mass, I felt the solid meat beneath. Gently breaking it apart, I could see that the meat had turned gray except for the very center which was still pink, and that the maggots had penetrated into it but not too deeply yet. There was still plently of food for my filthy little babies. I broke off a small chunk of meat that was covered on one side with maggots and held it for a moment while I fought back another urge to vomit. It was finally time, I thought. I leaned forward, and holding my pussy lips apart with one hand, I gritted my teeth and pushed the maggot-covered chunk of meat into my vagina. And then, totally without expecting it, I had an orgasm. A quick, sharp one that only made me want more.

And more was coming. I broke off another small chunk of meat, along with another part of the maggot mass and pushed it inside me. This one had more maggots on it, and I stopped for a moment to see if I could feel them inside me. I wasn't sure I could, but it didn't matter. I wanted them all. I needed to take them all inside me. With that thought, I went sort of wild. I started pushing bigger chunks of meat and maggots, and even handfuls of just maggots into me, over and over. I was practically hyperventilating, too. I wasn't thinking at all about the noise I must have been making. But now I could definitely feel the maggots squirming inside my vagina. Just the idea of it made me cum again.

Finally, once I had crammed all of the rotten meat, and all of the maggots I could inside me, I felt so filthy, so disgusting, like I'd turned myself into some low, depraved sort of beast. And that made me so incredibly hot, together with the constant movement of the maggots inside me. But it was time to go. Holding my hand over my crotch, I slowly crawled back to my clothes and managed to get dressed again without anything coming out. I put the gloves back into my pocket and climbed out of the dumpster. And right then I could hold back the revulsion of what I'd just done no longer. Holding myself up against the side of the dumpster, I threw up. Ever vomited while you were horny? It's weird.

Walking home down the alley, I felt like I was in a daze. I kept asking myself how I could have done this to myself, but then asking why I'd waited so long. I had to walk slowly to make sure nothing got squeezed out of my vagina, but also to keep from cumming again. I found myself amazed at the whole thing, that I'd stuffed the most intimate part of myself with these things that were too disgusting to even touch without gloves. And that I was totally getting off on it.

Once I was home, I locked myself in my bedroom, took off my clothes, except for my double-panties, and got into bed. I closed my eyes and just let myself feel the maggots squirming inside me. For a while I tried to watch TV, but I could really pay attention to it. The maggots were too wonderfully distracting. I skipped dinner. Later on, when I really had to pee, I did it by taking down my panties and holding my hand over my crotch, wearing the rubber gloves, of course.

The next morning I called off of work after being awake most of the night. I mainly stayed naked in my bed all day masturbating, barely getting up for anything. I wanted to do nothing but let my nauseating little babies grow inside my pussy. Pretty early, though, I realized the smell was getting really horrible. I opened the window. I also wet a bath towel and stuffed it under my bedroom door. I didn't want my parents to get suspicious.

A little later on I realized that I didn't need the panties to hold the maggots and the meat inside me. The mass pretty much stayed in place as long as I laid kind of still. I thought hey, I guess that means I'm infested, which made me cum again. I was always right on the edge of orgasm, and it didn't take much to go over the edge. I also noticed that the maggots seemed to be more active if I kept my legs apart and realized that they probably needed to breathe. So that's how I stayed a lot of the time. I did get up and read my email and posted an update on my web page but I couldn't seem to think clearly enough to write much. Then I had to pee again, but I just didn't want to get up. So I just peed in the bed. It made me cum. I just wanted to keep feeling the maggots moving. And they were. They seemed even stronger, in anything. I was totally in heaven with it. I didn't eat at all, either.

I heard my parents come home from work. During the evening my mom said hello through the door and wondered why I was staying in my room like a hermit. I said I was reading a novel all the way through at once, which I actually do sometimes. She left me alone. I hoped she didn't smell anything. I surfed the Web for a while that night and looked at porn. I came a few more times. I decided to go ahead and take a shit in my bed, right where I was. That just made me more turned on and I ended up smearing some of my shit over my thighs and my pussy and cumming again. I noticed that the maggots started coming out a bit. Maybe they liked the shit. A couple tmes one would creep up on my belly. I'd just flick it back down between my legs.

I was getting tired at that point. It really was time to sleep and my vagina was throbbing and kind of sore from all of the attention. But I was most worried about making sure my maggots could breathe while I was sleeping. Somehow, I managed to find the energy to place a chair on either side of my bed and use sheets to tie my ankles to them. That would keep my legs apart during the night. I pulled the blankets over myself and dozed off lying in my piss and shit.

For the most part I slept through the night, but I kept waking up sweating, with my vagina throbbing worse. I knew I was getting a bad infection from this, but I didn't care. I was not thinking right. I could also feel maggots crawling all over me. I guess I decided I liked that and I'd play with my clit until I came again. I don't know if I realized at the time that I wasn't wearing the rubber gloves anymore. I'd fall back to sleep and wake up again later with little phrases running through my head. Other girls have babies but I give birth to decay and filth, I'd keep thinking to myself. Or I'd say I'm probably ruining my womb and I don't care, I want to be ruined. I know I must have been hallucinating from the infection. I was hoping the maggots had given up on the rotten meat and were eating my vagina instead. My fingers were buried inside my vagina, with my fingertips against part of the meat. Whenever I pressed on it, the maggots would squirm faster and I'd climax again. I could do it over and over and keep cumming.

Finally it was Tuesday morning and sunlight made me wake up. I knew I was really, really sick at that point. I felt weak and dizzy, I knew I had a fever, and now my whole lower belly was sore and throbbing. Despite all that I was still horny and I was still right on the edge of cumming. And then for some reason, all I wanted to do was see my maggots.

I pulled the blankets aside and saw that I really did have maggots crawling all over my body. I was so whacked out I loved it. But I also saw that I had a rash spreading over my tummy and my thighs, and I was soaked with sweat. And then suddenly I needed to see what it looked like between my legs. I sat up a little, picked up the hand mirror I have on the table next to my bed, and held it between my thighs.

My pussy was totally gaped wide open. I'd never seen it like that before. It reminded me of a mouth in a sick, gagging expression. My inner lips were swollen and dark purple, almost black, while my outer lips were cherry red and I was losing a layer of dead skin, like a sunburn. A stream of the light brown slime was oozing from inside my vagina and down my butt crack onto the shitty mattress. Although I could still feel a large mass of maggots and rotten meat inside me, there were maggots everywhere between my legs. Hundreds of them.

And then I saw my fingers on my pussy. They plunged deep into my vagina and dragged out a wad of slime and maggots, which I pressed hard against my clit. I remember having a huge orgasm right then, and I must have passed out. I think I was sobbing too, but I'm not sure.

That's all I remember until I woke up in the hospital. I'll write about that later.

>15
>sophmore year
>great grades
>no social life
>literally 3 friends
>sit online playing games all day
>thatfeel.jpg
>so one day I'm playing minecraft on this server I like
>when this dude walks up to my house 
>I'm about to go outside and kill him but he starts talking in chat
>I was in a good mood so why not
>skin is a girl skin
>after chatting a while it turns out it is a girl
>me being the betafaggot that i am invite her to move in with my minecraft house purely based on that fact
>pathetic i know
>she accepts and we play together
>she's not a noob dispite everything i know about girl gamers
>the whole thing is thoroughly fun
>shes smart and witty
>and shes a prankster
>she tricked me into so many traps that I stayed 50 blocks away from her for a week
>I just blew up her house once
>we've been playing together for a few months
>one day we end up exchanging real names somehow
>hers is Eliza, short for Elizabeth
>her name sounds familiar
>mfw this chick goes to my school
>mfw shes in my homeroom







>quick description of the girl
>nerdy
>7.5/10
>glasses
>freckles
>bump it up to 8.5/10 because dem legs
>she doesn't recognize my name
>not surprising 
>I'm betafag so I take a few days to get up the courage to tell her its me
>I tell her
>We both exchange our little 'omaigawdrly?' moments
>Shes more shy in person
>I have a bit of a soft spot for shy girls
>Crush mode engage
>Still don't talk much outside of minecraft
>We sit across the room from each other
>Not many chances for interaction
>Eventually theres a seating change
>Teacher lets us choose where to sit
>Guess where I sit
>Good job /b/! You guessed it! Next to Eliza!
>At first we're still awkward with each other
>But the awkwardness melts away after a couple weeks
>I look forward to homeroom every day now






>In the time we sit together I learn a bit more about her
>She's like me, a lonely person
>Also like me, she doesn't openly express her emotions
>One thing I notice is that she is sleepy a lot
>Like more than once I've had to wake her up in class
>She says she just sleeps a lot for some reason
>12 hours a night 
>14-16 on breaks
>Thats a neat little quirk
>I also notice that when she zones out she bites the end of her glasses with her lip
>It always makes me smile when she does it
>Aside from classwork, what we mostly do with our time in that class is draw
>We both like drawing and we start collaborating on a minecraft comic
>We make a couple characters to represent us
>I'm some dude named Dak and she names her character Ella
>Sometimes at lunch when we're alone we play like we're in minecraft
>I know, we were faggots
>We make up our own little fantasy lives in the game, like little kids
>I like it. It makes life seem a little less monotonous
>So we play these games together and slowly add to the story of our comic
>And as we do, Dak and Ella slowly get closer

Should I continue?






>I like her and I want to give it a shot with her
>But with her lack of really expressing emotions I can't tell if she likes me
>Without solid proof I won't act cuz beta
>So we continue as we are
>And I'm still loving it
>Making a move might ruin this
>So the friendzone is fine with me
>As much as I want out the unknown scares me
>Christmas rolls around the corner
>It tell Eliza that soon after break I'll be able to drive
>My birthday is on the 2nd or January
>She starts asking for rides over break as a joke
>Christmas passes and then we reach my birthday
>I didn't invite my friends, don't know why
>Just my family there
>But, before 3:00, the time of the party, theres a knock on the door
>Probably my cousin, who's always early
>But no
>It's Eliza







>I didn't invite her
>She just came
>I can't very well turn her away at the door
>I wouldn't even if I could, so I let her in
>I've never had anyone come to just see me
>My parents are surprised, knowing how lonely I am
>Eliza meets them
>Awkwardness
>My parents are the kinds who try to be 'hip'
>Oh god
>I quickly drag Eliza upstairs to my room
>She's laughing at my parents when we get up there
>My face was as red as the Soviet flag
>I ask her how she knew where I live
>She says she just asked my friend Anon#2
>I asked her why she was here
>She said for my birthday
>I didn't invite you
>"Do you want me to leave?"
>No
>I really want her to stay
>We play some call of duty
>We get in a debate about PS3 vs. XBOX360
>I win the debate being on PS3's side
>Although she doesn't admit it
>And so waiting for 3 o'clock to come by we play games and call each other names









warning to you guys, this is actually a beta story about how i almost fucked everything up

>She starts coming over more often
>I have some foam nerf swords that she discovered one day
>We sword fight with those most days when she comes over
>Either that or we play minecraft or CoD
>our comic was still ongoing and every now and then we advance the plot
>new characters etc.
>She's much more creative than me
>But I draw better
>We make a habit out of making a competition out of everything we do
>Friendly competition
>Everything is screaming at me to ask her out but I just cant do it for some reason
>She starts coming over every now and then
>We have a lot of fun together
>The swords are just about the best object I've ever owned
>So much fun is had with them
>You know how at the end of Monsters Inc. it was discovered that laughter was the best power source?
>We could've fueled a small country for years
>And as much as I want to, I cant bring myself to ask her out







>This girl has become my best, and really only, friend
>Slowly, ever so slowly the walls we put up for ourselves break down
>She's still happy most of the time but every now and then she needs a shoulder to cry on
>I provide this shoulder
>Turns out she has a lot of family drama
>Thats fine with me
>One day she's over at my house
>She seems a bit distracted while we play CoD
>Eventually after a while she sighs as if she's decided something
>She pulls out a little stack of papers seemingly from nowhere
>And hands them to me
>She says that it's a little segment of our comic she wrote
>I read it and the whole time I am Eliza looks at either the floor or the wall behind me
>Dak and Ella go into some cave
>Find a dungeon
>Ambushed my spiders
>And Dak gets his leg cut open by a skeleton's arrow
>Ella ends up dragging Dak out
>They're both in bad shape
>Ella realizes that they may die any day
>And with that in mind she kisses Dak, apparently something she's wanted to do for a long while
>Hint fucking hint
>I look up at Eliza and our eyes meet for a moment
>Then she looks away, her face flushed
>This is the part where you guys hate me /b/
>I didn't pull anything
>No kiss>Not even a hug
>All I said was "Pretty good."
>She looks dissapointed
>Fuck me








>So everything still continues as before
>I beat myself up over then next few months
>I mean what the fuck me?!
>I want to be with her
>So what the fuck is stopping me?
>I notice that she seems less interested now
>I may have missed my window
>After another week I convince myself that I definitely missed my window
>Fuck
>We're still friends but something seems to be missing now
>OP is a total betafag
>Right now though i feel like an omegafag
>She's given up
>She thinks I'm not interested
>But I am
>But its too late






>One day I read a betafag thread on 4chan
>I decide to man the fuck up because you guys are pathetic and thats not how I want to be
>She may have given up, but deep inside she still wants is
>Fuck the consequences, I'm going in
>In homeroom I tell her to come to my house on friday
>She agrees
>Friday rolls up
>She knocks on my door
>I open it and let her in
>She comes upstairs with me and starts to boot up the PS3
>I stop her
>I'm trying to get the words out but they're stuck
>Fuck my betafagness
>I had finally decided to do this and now I chicken out
>She's got a confused look on her face but I can make out hope behind it
>No
>Not again
>Instead of talking I decide actions are better
>Alpha impulse
>I stand her up and kiss her
>Like a CEO
>We pull away and she looks dumbfounded
>Then she goes on the offensive and kisses me
>So much win

Should I continue with the sex part?







sex tiem

>Sex was great
>She's dominant in bed
>After we start dating our lives are 10 times better
>She said that It was about fucking time
>I agree
>There actually isn't much to add at this point
>We're going steady
>There was actually this fight i got into at a park one day
>Some nigger was trying to hit on her
>Wouldn't back off
>So I punched him
>He punched me
>I ended up losing
>My mom saw my bruises and got all scared
>She said you're moving with your auntie and uncle in bel-air

Twas the night before Christmas, and all throughout /b/,
Every /b/tard was fapping, and that includes me.
The PENIS was out, proudly stiff in the air
in hopes of a post that would please Pedobear
The /b/tards all staring in front of the screen
Catching unearthly visions, all mainly unseen
Except for the pasta that flooded the board
Christmas was coming to 4chan.org
With a stickam whore wearing a red santa cap
and every guy screaming that it was a trap
Crashing the server while trying to GET
All normal things for this part of the net
When up on the roof, a noise that perplexed
I shot off my load in startled reflex
Away from the desktop, I flew in a flash
Wondering what the hell caused the crash
When, what to my wondering eyes did I see
A man black as night, above all thhe trees
Pulled by a horde of memes, well because,
I figured at once that it was Nigra Claus.
Faster than a rapidshare download they came
And his voiced boomed aloud, calling all of their names.
"Now Zimmer, Now Cracky, now Mongler and Desu!
On Delay, on Picard, on Gendo, and Deku!
To the top of the board, where the sticky pin lies!"
Needless to say, I was very suprised.
He landed upon the grass of the lawn
and walked towards the house, as bright as the dawn
The source of the glowing was no magic spell
"IMMA CHARGIN' MAH LAZER!" the red-lipped one yelled.
The front door exploded, all shattered to splinters
I realized I just took a shit in my knickers
They poured in the room, with quite a large ruckus
"Candlejack?" I exclaimed. "What the fuck is-"
The words were unable to flow from my voice
Little did I realize that I had no choice
to sit and endure the riotous mass
With cum on my stomach and shit on my ass.
Saint Nigra stepped forth, and wrinkling his nose
took a look at the room, and shouted "POOL'S CLOSED
Don't go in the water, it's full of stingrays
and plagued with a virus that's known as the AIDS."
George Zimmer stood next, and reached into his frock-
"IT NEEDS TO BE HUEG TO MAKE ROOM FOR MY COCK"
Pulled out some new pants, for my own I had shit
"FROM THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE, BITCH, I GUARANTEE IT."
He stepped back, and a doll took his place
while two orbs of color shined out from her face
Her features contorted like an old anguished jew
"Desu desu desu, desu desu desu desu."
Cockmongler ran up and grabbed hold of my dick
And then took off his shirt, I thought I'd be sick
He put the rag on me, as I stood there perplexed
now adorned by the image of a bright green T-Rex
Picard flipped me off at warp factor "fuck you"
while Cracky-chan smiled, her teeth all askew
"Who are you," I asked, "Why are you in this region?"
"We are anonymous," they said. "Anonymous is legion."
As quick as the flash, they all left the scene
With plenty of shouting and phrases obscene
They swarmed a female who was blocking their route
and all screamed at once "TITS OR GTFO"
Mongler suggested "Stick it in her pooper!"
The raeping commenced so fast it was blurred
They turned then to me, and shouted quite clear
"Merry Christmas to /b/, we'll raep you next year!"

John Stalvern waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were demons in the base. He didn't see them, but had expected them now for years. His warnings to Cernel Joson were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.
John was a space marine for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the spaceships and he said to dad "I want to be on the ships daddy."
Dad said "No! You will BE KILL BY DEMONS"
There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the space station base of the UAC he knew there were demons.
"This is Joson" the radio crackered. "You must fight the demons!"
So John gotted his palsma rifle and blew up the wall.
"HE GOING TO KILL US" said the demons
"I will shoot at him" said the cyberdemon and he fired the rocket missiles. John plasmaed at him and tried to blew him up. But then the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.
"No! I must kill the demons" he shouted
The radio said "No, John. You are the demons"
And then John was a zombie.

A farmer is having troubles with his chickens; they're not laying eggs (as chickens are wont to do). He calls another farmer, who looks over the chicken coop for any abnormalities, but nothing strikes him. So the farmer calls a veterinarian. The vet examines all the ckickens, even dissects one of the recently deceased chickens, but can't solve the farmer's problem. In desparation, the farmer calls in a physicist. The physicist takes out a pen and paper, and starts scribbling equations and formulae madly. After half an hour, he looks up and says "I can solve your problem, but it'll only work for spherical chickens of defined mass in a vacuum."

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting in a caf� and notice people going into and coming out of the house across the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while, they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The physicist: "The measurement was not accurate."
The biologist: "They have reproduced."
The mathematician: "If one person enters the house, then it will be empty again."

an infinite number of mathematicians walked into a bar. the first one ordered a beer. the second one ordered half a beer. the third one ordered one fourth of a beer. The bartender inturrupted them and said "you guys are all giant faggots" and poured 2 beers.

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.

Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged � every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.

A dying mosquito exclaimed,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
The cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane

the thing about quantum physics jokes, is that you can never tell whether they're funny or not until you tell them

An architect, an engineer, and a physicist are all hired by a farmer to help him design a fence. He tells them, "I want to enclose the largest area using the least amount of materials." The architect draws a square. The engineer draws a circle. The physicist takes the engineer's circle and writes "outside" on the inside.

A chemist, a physicist and a biologist are walking along the beach. The physicist stops, looks out at the ocean and says "I just have to understand the motion of the waves better" and walks into the sea and never returns. The biologist looks out to the sea and says "I just have to understand the sea creatures better" and walks out into the ocean and never returns. The chemist pulls out a notebook and writes "Physicist and biologist both soluble."

An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher are taking a walk through the Scottish highlands when they come across a black sheep. The engineer blurts out "hey look, the sheep in Scotland are black!" The experimental physicist turns to him and says "some of the sheep in Scotland are black." The theoretical physicist, looking bemused, chuckles and says "actually, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." The philosopher, who had been kneeling to examine a flower, looks up and says "on one side, anyway."

David and John are in a bar and notice an eccentric, professor-like man sitting by the bar next to them. David is sure that the man is an astrophysicist, while John thinks he must be a botanist, and a small wager is started. When the man next goes to the bathroom, David follows him in and strikes up conversation at the urinal.

"Hi there" says David, "I hope you don't mind, but my friend and I are wondering what you do for a living."
"Oh, no problem at all, my good man!" replies the professor, "I'm a sociological logical reductionist" - seeing David's blank expression, he goes on: "Maybe I should clarify by means of an example. Tell me, my good sir, do you have a goldfish?"
"Yes, I do" replies David.
"May I enquire, is it in a fish tank, or a pond?"
"A pond"
"Then I can assume that you must have a reasonably large garden"
"That's right" agrees David.
"So by extrapolation, you have a large house?"
"Yes, it's a large five-bedroom house" says David.
"Therefore, you are reasonably wealthy?"
"You're right," nods David, "I'm not short for fetch!!!"
"Therefore, it is probable that you have no problems attracting women?"
"Right again" grins David, "My gorgeous blonde wife is at home preparing dinner as we speak."
"So," continues the professor, "One may assume that you enjoy regular sexual intercourse?"
David says "Yep, four times a week, if not more!"
"So," concludes the other man, "it is likely you have little or no need for masturbation?"
"You're right! I can't remember the last time I had one off the wrist" says David.
"So you see," says the professor, "By beginning at a seemingly innocuous starting point and following a logical progression, I can make accurate predictions at something as personal as your masturbatory habits"
"That's incredible! Thanks!" replies David, and heads back to the bar.

John says "So, what does the old fella do?"
"He's a sociological logical reductionist"
"What does one of them do?"
"Let me demonstrate," says David. "Do you have a goldfish?"
"No"
"John, you're a wanker"

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and a statistician are all staying at a hotel. In the middle of the night the engineer wakes up to find that his trashcan is on fire. He runs to the sink, fills his ice bucket with water and douses the flames. Then, just to be sure, he runs back to the sink, refills the bucket and dumps more water into the trashcan. With the fire out, he goes back to sleep.
A little while later, the trashcan in the physicist's room spontaneously breaks into flame, waking the physicist. He whips out his slide rule, does some calculations, then runs to the sink, fills his bucket with exactly .75 liters of water, and douses the flames. Having put out the fire, he goes back to sleep.
A few minutes later, the mathematician wakes up to see that his trashcan is on fire. He whips out a piece of paper, scrawls out some equations, then goes back to sleep, comfortable that a solution exists.
Meanwhile, the statistician is running from room to room lighting trashcans on fire -- he needed more samples. 

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
Because oct31 = dec25 

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked to review this mathematical problem. In a high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. The mathematician, physicist, and engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"
The mathematician said, "Never."
The physicist said, "In an infinite amount of time."
The engineer said, " Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes." 

Three statisticians go duck hunting. Their dog chases out a duck and it starts to fly. The first statistician aims and takes his shot, it misses a foot too high. The second statistician aims and takes his shot, it misses a foot too low. The third statistician says, "We got him!"

What do atomic cows say?
Muon

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

A helium walks into a bar,the bartender says: "sorry,we don't serve noble gases here",the gas didn't react

A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says "you can't come in here!" so the superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance.

A higgs-boson walks into a church. The priest says "we don't serve your kind here." The higgs-boson says "but without me, how can you have mass?"

These jokes are Bohr-ing.

Cal and Angle were best enemies that lived across town from each other and they both owned steakhouses. If you drive down highway a+b all the way to the n and you want a steak you will see a sign "Past Cal's try Angles"

To get to the other side.
Why did the tachyon cross the road?

A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."

If you need to figure out sqrt(10^2 - sqrt(7056)) who would you rather ask: michael jordan or tiger woods?
Tiger woods, because he would shout FOOOOOUR

1000 wafer biscuits = 1 kilogram crackers

I bar of gold walks into a silver only bar.
The bartender looks quite displeased and yells "Au get outta here!"

The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by. He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smiles, thinking to himself, "Dang, it�s great to be e^x. I�m real analytic everywhere. I�m my own derivative. I blow up faster than anybody and shrink faster too. All the other functions suck."
Lost in his own egomania, he collides with the constant function 3, who is running in terror in the opposite direction.
"What�s wrong with you? Why don�t you look where you�re going?" demands e^x. He then sees the fear in 3�s eyes and says "You look terrified!"
"I am!" says the panicky 3. "There�s a differential operator just around the corner. If he differentiates me, I�ll be reduced to nothing! I�ve got to get away!" With that, 3 continues to dash off.
"Stupid constant," thinks e^x. "I�ve got nothing to fear from a differential operator. He can keep differentiating me as long as he wants, and I�ll still be there."
So he scouts off to find the operator and gloat in his smooth glory. He rounds the corner and defiantly introduces himself to the operator. "Hi. I�m e^x."
"Hi. I�m d/dy."

So here at Microsoft, the land of corporate tyranny, you are immediately branded with a dangly picture ID upon arrival. This is a good thing for the most part, as you can use said picture ID to do nifty things, such as open locked doors. The down side to these badges is that they generally hang form your belt. This may not seem so dire, but when you have your pants around your ankles, either to earn better stock options or when you have to poo, your smiling face can be seen under the stalls in the bathroom. I think it�s pretty funny to walk in the bathroom and hear the sound of a throaty growler and look down and see the smiling face of the person creating such painful logs. This is why when I sit down to create my diabolical stink; I turn the badge inward, hiding my shame.

Now in College, I was a bit of a minor legend in the old Frat. I could create stench that made all of the brothers jealous. It was only surpassed by the not infrequent occasion of someone shitting their pants in the party room in a drunken stupor. Given my seven years of stench domination in the heart of shit country (that�s Pullman Washington) it would stand to reason that it is hard for my nether regions to impress me. Let me tell you that today I outdid myself.

It all started innocently enough. I was sitting at my workstation creating plans to further our monopolistic goals when I felt the familiar gentle turmoil �down there�. As usual I figured this could be put off for at least an hour as I really did have some work to do, so I said to myself, �we can wait this out, let�s just finish this one little task first.� Unfortunately my bowels either weren�t listening or weren�t caring as they responded with a second, none to subtle, downward thrust. Being the wise man that I am I took that as a hint and locked up the old PC and headed to the bathroom; the only bathroom on the entire floor. I knew this was going to be a busy time, it being shortly after lunch when all the programmers like to get their daily hygiene out of the way, so I was relieved to find that neither of the two stalls or urinals was occupied. Stepping into the smaller stall, I turned my badge �face in� and dropped my pants.

Nothing in my long history of stinky shit could have prepared me for the anal freight train that now relentlessly drove its way out of my tender sphincter and into the poor unsuspecting bowl beneath me. The initial wave was of the good, solid, �I know what it feels like to be in prison,� variety. Nothing unusual so far, but beneath that was hiding a veritable motherlode of what can only be compared to grainy mud. This combined with ample pockets of gas produced a wonderful wet slapping sound as my cheeks recoiled and rebounded from each convulsive spasm.

After the storm, while I was left to sit and wait for the aftershocks, I heard the sound of the bathroom door opening. Footsteps, an inhalation of breath, a gag, a cough. The words, softly but forcefully muttered, �Oh, my god.� Then speedily retreating footsteps and the bathroom door opening and closing in rapid succession.

Then as I�m gingerly moping up the mess I�ve make of my lower half, I hear the same scenario repeated. Eventually I hear raised voices in the hallway and I realize that my pungent fecal aerosol has escaped the bathroom�s confines and is spreading like some diabolical virus throughout the floor.

Five minutes later, my anus is wiped and my hands are washed but my stink remains. I listen at the door, and as it seems the coast is clear, I dart into the hallway to find�silence. Nothing. It is empty. No voices in the offices, no IM dinging, no crappy windows startup jingle, nothing.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have just cleared the entire floor. There could have been tumbleweeds blowing down the halls.

I seized the opportunity to stealthily slink back to my workstation in the heavily ventilated and semi-private lab. I continue with the days work, and I�m as baffled as everyone else by the strange sewage leak we had earlier today�

It was late. We happened to be walking on the same path. I knew you were nervous--I would be too if I was a petite female, walking alone on a desolate and dark city street at 1:00 a.m. 

You were about fifty feet in front of me. I was going to turn right. You turned right. Soon, I was going to turn left. You turned left. I tried walking slower to let you get ahead of me. Unfortunately, you decided to walk slower at the exact moment I did. I then decided to start walking very fast, so that I could pass you by, let you be in control of the situation by being behind me. You started walking fast at the exact moment I did. 

I considered taking another turn or stopping for a smoke. Anything to let you get way ahead of me, to get me off of your path so that you could relax because I know you thought you were being followed by a strange man. It was cold as fuck outside though, so I continued walking toward my destination, a parking garage. I somehow knew this was your destination as well. 

You walked into the sanctuary of the garage, and I paused to have a smoke. With the luck I was having, you were probably parked right next to me and the coincidence would press the situation enough for me to get maced, I thought. 

The freezing wind helped me smoke my cigarette down to the filter in record time, but I thought my nicotine break gave you enough time to get to your car without some strange guy on your heels. I got in the elevator and pushed the button for the fifth floor, where I was parked. 

The elevator stopped on floor 3. The doors opened. And there you were. You forgot where you parked. I wouldn't have been offended if you didn't get on the elevator, but you did. You shrank away from me, and I could your fear along with the strong fragrance of whatever alcohol you had been drinking all evening. You didn't push a button on the elvator. Of course, you were getting off on my floor. Shit. 

I wanted to get off the elevator first to show you that I wasn't stalking you, to let you walk behind me for a change. Unfortunately, when the elevator doors parted you were off like a horse at the gate. You walked fast, I walked slowly. We were both headed in the same direction, again. It was at this point that I started to become a bit angry, not so much at you, but at the truths of society that helped to create this uncomfortable situation. So I walked slowly, and felt like the killer in a B horror movie who always catches up with the victim no matter how slowly he walks or how quickly the female victim runs. 

To make things worse, a penny was stuck in the grooves of the sole of my shoe. You walked quickly, and behind you you heard the "clink-clomp" of my shoe and penny laden shoe hitting the hard concrete. You panicked at this point, I think. Thankfully, you I saw you turn left up the ramp, and I went right, toward my car. 

The parking deck was empty of cars, save mine and one parked right next to it. I absolutely knew the car next to mine was yours. You were now wandering around the sixth floor I think, either avoiding me and waiting for me to leave or truly drunk and lost. I got in my car, started it up and let it warm up a bit. I wanted to help you. . .and then I saw you in my rearview mirror. Miss, whomever you are, please don't ever accept a ninja or spy job, because you are horrible at trying to conceal yourself from view. Maybe it was the bright pink scarf dangling over the edge of the ramp or the fact that you were perched right underneath a bright halogen lamp, but I could not only see you trying to hide, watching me in my car, but you stuck out like a turd in a punch bowl. 

I sighed, put my car into gear, and backed out of my space. I backed out a bit too far, cut the wheel and found my headlights right on you, completely illuminating and exposing your already horrible hiding place. Your eyes looked haunted, like that famous National Geographic cover featuring the woman with the 'haunted eyes.' 

The apology: I'm truly, truly sorry that at that point I flashed my brights and honked my horn at you like I was firing a machine gun. You jumped and, I think, screamed, but at this point the whole situation had gone too far for me. I also think you needed to sober up a bit more before you got behind the wheel of your car. 

As I pulled away, I smiled and waved at you. You gave me the finger. I probably deserved your wrath at this point, but please: In the future, get someone to walk you back or take a cab. You stink at being stealthy. I hope your hangover wasn't too bad. 

--Your Unintentional Stalker

Why do people like you find suicide something to joke about? You think because you get to sit in your warm homes on a computer that you can just joke about horrible shit like this? What the actual fuck is wrong with you? This issue is very serious, yet crazy assfucks like you are throwing shit jokes about it. Sick fuck, doing this shit does fucking nothing. So you want to come on an imageboard to be an asshole about situations like this? Let me tell you, you are fucking weak. You would never be useful to the world with such behavior you present. Honestly why do people like you even exist? I bet you don't even know about what families and friends go though when it comes to things like this. You guys are such disgusting bullies. Isn't it bad enough that people go through hardships of losing their loved ones? Seriously what do you really find funny about it? Stupid fuckers I'm so angry right now that I wish I can fucking punch my computer screen so that my fist can get a good hit on that asshole face of yours. Sick fuck. Seriously, just fucking grow up and actually act properly about suicide. Stupid fuck, keep eating those cheetoes that you stain on your shirts every day. 

I'd go on about how fucked up you are, but I'll restrain myself right now.

Just hope one day that you will never have someone close to you get bullied to a point where they kill themselves.

360 STATUS IF THIS WERE THE JURASSIC PERIOD:

TOLDASSARAUS REX

360 STATUS IS THIS WERE THE MIDDLE AGES:

THOU HATH BENT TOLDUTH

360 STATUS IF THE WORLD WAS UNDER WATER:

TTTTBBBBOOOBBRBRBROOLLLDDD

360 STATUS FROM SPACE:

1st Longitude= T
2nd Longitude=O
1st Latitude=L
2rd Latitude=D

360 STATUS AT SONY HQ:

[champagne glasses clink]

360 STATUS IN AUSTRALIA:

pןoʇ

360 STATUS AS A PORN FLICK TITLE:

8 INCHES OF TOLD

360 STATUS IN ARABIC:

TOLDURKA

360 STATUS IN A GAME OF HANGMAN:

_OLD

360 STATUS AS A MEDICAL CONDITION:

TOLDITIS

360 STATUS KNOCKING ON THE DOOR:

KNOCK, KNOCK.
WHO'S THERE?
XBOX 360
XBOX 360 WHAT?
XBOX 360 TOLD

Xbox Status Triforce
TOLD
TOLD TOLD

360 STATUS AS A MONITOR RESOLUTION:

1920xTOLD

360 STATUS AS A LICENSE PLATE:

T01D

360 STATUS AS A GAME OF NAUGHTS AND CROSSES:

X-X-X-D
X-X-L-X
X-O-X-X
T-X-X-X


360 STATUS AT THE RROD REPLACEMENT FACTORY:

[x] NOT TOLD

360 STATUS AS A CHOCOLATE BAR:

TOLDERONE

360 STATUS IN A RIDDLE:

Q. If XBOX HAD 3 APPLES, 4 PEARS AND 7 ORAGNES WHAT WOULD IT BE?

A. TOLD

360 STATUS AS A HARRY POTTER SPELL:

ABRACATOLDA

360 STATUS AS A CARTOON

SPONGEBOB TOLDPANTS

XBOX 360 AS A CARD GAME

TOLD MAID

360 STATUS IN BINARY:

010101000110111101101100011001000000110100001010

360 STATUS ON TV:

EVERYBODY TOLD RAYMOND

360 STATUS IN FRANCE:

LE TOLD

360 STATUS AS A BOX OFFICE SMASH HIT:

AVATOLD.

XBOX 360 EXCLUSIVE RHYTHM GAME

GUITOLD HERO

360 STATUS AS A POKEMON
TOLDEPI

360 STATUS AS AN AUTHOR

J.R.R. TOLDIEN

360 STATUS AS AN OIL COMPANY:

BRITISH PRETOLDIUM.

360 STATUS AS A RADIO STATION

98.9 TOLDEN OLDIES

360 STATUS AS A FAMOUS LITERARY CHARACTER WHO FULFILLS THE ARCHETYPE OF THE HERO'S JOURNEY:

TOLDEN CAULFIELD

360 STATUS AS ORIGAMI

STEP ONE: TOLD IN HALF HORIZONTALLY
STEP TWO: OPEN IT UP, TOLD VERTICALLY
STEP THREE: TOLD DIAGONALLY
STEP FOUR: TOLD THE EDGES IN
STEP FIVE: PULL CORNER OUT
STEP SIX: TOLD IN HALF DIAGONALLY
IT'S A GODDAMN CRANE!!!!!

360 STATUS AT A SOCCER GAME:

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD

This thread is ruined. It's too late, what the hell am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do? Start the thread over? Well if I dont start over they're never going to know what its about. What the hell am I supposed to do? There's no option. I dont know what you think. Or what you think I'm going to do. It's all useless, it's failed already, it's irrevocably failed. I give up. FUCK IT. This has been totally useless. I dont know what you think I can possibly do that would help them. If they miss the first part, the most important part of this thread, the rest is going to be totally pointless anyways. I really dont see any point. It's too late dont you see. I give up. I cant stand this. I just cant stand this. There is no practical option. It's useless now, it's ruined. I want to give up because its ruined, its too late. Dont you see? This is horrible. DON'T YOU SEE HOW HORRIBLE THIS IS? I feel like everything I'm doing in this thread is useless because its failure. Total horrible failure. What the hell can I do now? I just feel so horrible. I feel so horrible I... I dont know how to get myself back into thinking anything except how horrible this thread is. You dont understand how painful it feels to have failure. And I've had so many things mess up lately that I feel totally terrible

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

I just spent the last twenty minutes rubbing a twelve year old girl's bare chest.

"How?" you ask. Well apparently there are a select few contexts within which such an action is acceptable. For instance, if your niece has a hacking cough and your sister asks you to "put some of this on her" while she calls the doctor.

"Putting some of this on hear" meant using my bare hands to rub this vapor ointment shit all over her BARE NAKED CHEST. My heartbeat is still all erratic from it. I had a boner the size of manhattan the entire time. She's sleeping now and I guess she feels better because she stopped coughing.

Details: She's about 5 feet tall, has long brown hair, a cute face, a thin waist and long skinny legs. She's in jammies I think because although I'm pretty shaken up right now I know I unbuttoned something before I went at it.

God I feel so great. I just rubbed my hands all over her FUCKING TITS, you guys. Well the puffy parts of her chest anyway. Her nipples got hard. I just about wept tears of joy.

I didn't do anything else because I'm a coward and rubbing was enough. Plus it was legal and I didn't technically do anything wrong, so I'm in the clear.

I'd write more but I seriously have to go fap while the memory is fresh in my head. 

I'm a 27 year old American underjordsbo (Scandinavian culture lover for you outlanders). I draw Norse runestones on my tablet, and spend my days perfecting my art and playing superior Scandinavian games. (Bad Company 2, Mirror's Edge, Max Payne)

I train with my dane axe every day, this superior weapon can cut clean through steel because it is made from iron from the Scandinavian fjells: K?en, and is vastly superior to any other weapon on earth. I earned my strids?s license two years ago, and I have been getting better every day.

I speak Norse fluently, both Swedish and Norwegian dialects, and I write fluently as well. I know everything about Scandinavian history and their ?ir code, which I follow 100 percent.

When I get my Finnish visa, I am moving to Helsinki to attend a prestigious High School to learn more about their magnificent social welfare system. I hope I can become a skald or a game designer!

I own several horned helmets, which I wear around town. I want to get used to wearing them before I move to Scandinavia, so I can fit in easier. I adress my elders and seniors by first name and speak Norse as often as I can, but rarely does anyone manage to respond.

Anyone have some tips so I can fully experience the Scandinavian lifestyle?

Wish me luck in Finland!

Listen up you disgusting pigs,

I recently logged onto my 16 year old son's computer because I'm having trouble with my office machine. Right on his desktop he has a folder marked 4chan. I figured that it must be where he keeps his animay movies, but I opened it up and was HORRIFIED by what I saw. It was laden with child pornography, dismembered limbs, and all around deviant, sickening images. You people let my son onto your website without ANY age verification, he was looking at things that I never imagined could exist.

also attatched is the original image to accompany it.

I will be filing legal papers soon unless you take down this offensive site or change your policies so that minors may not access it. In addition, I will be petitioning your webmaster to pay for my son's psychiatrist fees, which are going to be substantial considering what I've seen.

Sincereley, Arthur D. Sellers

I'm a hardcore fan with FF8, so many times I would even try to escape reality with lucid dreaming, I would be in Balamb Garden where I would often train with Zell in the training center and help Selphie with the Garden Festival, but one day as I was talking to Selphie, we went to my dormitory for a private talk. She immediately said, "You know you could live with us forever.." I gave her a confused look and she continued, "We understand that you live on earth and you REALLY wish to live here". I then said "How..How did you know?" She then giggled and said "Because we've been watching you, silly!"

This was a dream come true and I almost cried right there. She then said, "I talked with Headmaster Cid and he agreed that you would be PERFECT for SeeD, you just have to do...one thing". She then held my hand and looked deep into my eyes and said "...You have to kill yourself for the transfer to work correctly." I then gave her some questions, "How long do I have before the deal expires?" She then said "Cid said 3 months.." I added by saying "What's the most painless way?..." She giggled again, "Suicide will require pain buuut...if you want it quick...Get a gun and a nice shot to the head works.

I then agreed and she gave me a kiss on the forehead, "I know this will be tough but once it's over and done, you'll get to live here!" I then woke up and this was last week and i purchased a gun. I might actually kill myself because that dream just felt too real to be fake and my life isn't doing so grand.

2chan level otaku you say?

I am a Bastard Elite level otaku. While you stroke your otaku penis with claims of having "900 GB of Anime" and "Every manga ever made, in raw", I have maybe 20 GB of anime that are the greatest pieces of art ever made by the industry. My taste is supreme and my attitude elitist. Where you flame narutards on forums, I hunt them down with my Dragon Slayer Sword. I devour infants if I so much as suspect they might grow up and watch DBZ or Inuyasha.

I don't support anime with cheesy and happy endings. That latest anime that you couldn't stop making threads about in /a/? Never watched it. It sucks. It's the cancer that you weeaboo's run on.
That retarded Hentai Game that you played for hours without even liking it, just to say you did? I didn't play it. I bought the CD in Japan and used it to cut the throats of its players.

I am the hybrid of Otaku and Social Center of The Universe. I get real pussy when I want, where I want. I do not fap to pathetically done hentai. I fuck Japanese idols.
Watch your back punks. I'm coming for you.

S'goin' on man,

Dang ol', name's Boomhauer n' tellyawhat, hate erry single oneayou, knowudimsayin? All ya'll fat, dang ol', dumbusdoorknobsyankees, talkinabout, spend errydamnsecondoftheday checkin out du du dumb pictures. Talkinabout, damnwaste atime, yaskme, knowimsayin'?. For realman, anyo'ya'll even, talkinabout, goin out to the club, getwhatimean, get somudatyaknow, WHOO WHOO, knowimsayinman? Talkinabout, y'know it IS purdyfun gettinon dang ol' computer, and just click-click-click-click-click, thateasyman, gettinon the dang ol' websites and just lookinatda dang ol' picshas and bein' like hehelookadis, man, knowimsayin, but tellyahwut, ya'll takinittoofar man, tellinya, too far.

Don't be, talkinbout, beatinaroun a bush, juslike, bestraightuptalkinabouttellitlikeitis. Dangol', juslookatme,man. Gotnoproblemso'erhere,man, tellyouhwut. Gotmeset o' weights, knowimsayin, jusgetonthatb-b-benchpress, knowimsayin, juslike twohunderdthreehundered pounds, justbelike SOOPSOOPSOOP, dangol, like40repsaintnothin, turnarounddangol, getouttomyridesallyman, revituplike VROOMVROOMVROOM, dangol, built hermuhself, knowimsayinman? Watyou uptoman, dangolgettinonthecomputer, justlike, typetytype, talkinbout, nakedcartoonsman. Tellyuhwutman, dangol, gotme3rdgirlthisweek, tookherhome, knowimsayinman. (Talkinabout, gettindownandirtywiththatmouthaction, knowimtalkinboutman? Justlikedangol, talkinbout, just like.. damn). Dangol, shouldbeashamed ayourselves. Tellyouhwutman, justtellinitlikeitis.

Dang'oltellinyahwut, clickclickchoosefilesearchpicture, itsme an'myrideman, knowimsayin?

Felus catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
Control your hunting skills and natural defences.

I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
A singular development of cat communications
That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.

A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents.
You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance.
And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotions.

Oh, Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
Connote a fairly well developed cognitive array,
And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.

guess what r9k, i fucking WROTE this gem of a copypasta. arthur d. sellers of course is a minor character in my favorite movie and the fictitious father is a composite of various protective parents i've encountered growing up in suburbia. This was composed when I myself was 16 years old only two and half years ago and to this day consider it my finest troll.

ChibiUsa's Seventh BirthdayBy Robert Tsunai
This is a hentai story about ChibiUsa. If you don't like Incest, Childsex, 
lesbian sex, bondage, anal sex,or things like that you probablyshouldn't read 
this. In this story, ChibiUsa has sex of some sort with every senshi. If you
want to skip to a certain senshi, I've marked off the different people's with
stars. Here is the order they do her in: 
Mamoru - a good hard incestous fuck, bondage 
Rei - An All-too -big rod and some torture. 
Haruka First a good spanking then doubledildo sex. 
Minako - Tit stuff and kissing and fondling 
Michiru - They lick each other's pussies 
Makoto Double Fist/double foot Fuck(lots of pain) 
Ami - banana fucks ChibiUsa's butthole and whips. 
Setsuna - Uses the Time staff on Small Lady 
Hotaru - They rub pussies and make out Usagi - 69, tit stuff 
Feel free to read this if you're a minor, though, people under 18should be able 
to have fun too! 
It was CHibiUsa's seventh birthday, June 30th, same day as Usagi. Shewas very 
happy as everyone gathered around her singing happy birthday. 
She looked around again at them and noticed something - none of themhad any 
presents. "Wh-Where are the presents?" She asked, a little dissapointed. 
"This year you're getting a different kind of present, ChibiUsa," Reisaid to 
her. "What kind? "Your first sexual experiences," Makoto said "What?" 
"You will have an orgasm by each and every one of us," Usagi told her.
"ChibiUsa, go to the bedroom and wait. We'll decide who goes forst." 
"I... I'm not sure about this.. I ... no, I don't wanna do this, "Chibi Usa 
stated. Witrhout a word, Haruka picked her up and carried her to the bedroom.
She pinned her down and tied each of her limbs to the corners of the bed.
ChibiUsa screamed and writhed and yelled, but to no avail. Haruka joined the
others in the other room who were deciding who should go first. 
"I should go first, I'm her mother!" "Can I? I'm her best friend..." 
"She should have her virginity taken first, I should go." 
"hey, I just tied her down... So let me go first." Ami spoke up. 
"I think Mamoru should go first.. He is her father, and she shouldhave her 
virginity taken. And no matter who goes first, we'll all get to watchanyway." 
THe others reluctantly agreed. They all stripped down and walked intothe 
bedroom where ChibiUsa was tied down. ******************************** 
The 9 naked girls sat down on the other bed to watch as Mamoruapproached 
ChibiUsa. She trembled as he approached her. 
"ChibiUsa, I'm going to take our virginity. This is going to hurt alot, but in 
the end we'll bith enjoy it." "no.. Mamo-chan.." 
He positioned his rock hard dick at the entrance to her pussy. 
"ready, CHibiUsa-chan?" "No!!! MAMOCHAN, NO!!!" 
He forced his huge dick into his tight, wet, 7 year old daughter'spussy. She 
screamed in agony as his dick pushed all the way into her. A trickleof blood 
began flowing from her hole as Mamoru pumped himself in and out of hislittle 
daughter. Her pussy was dripping juice and blood all over the bed as Mamoru
fucked her. SHe was in sheer pain from his big dick. He pushed in and out of her
harder and harder, bringing her more and more pain. She screamed as she came,
waves of pleasure taking over her small hairless pussy. Mamoru came and pulled
out of his daughter, who's pussy was dripping with blood and cum. 
**************************** Rei got up. 
"my turn," She said with an evil look in her eye. In her hand was alarge dowel, 
with a diameter about the size of a soda can. She moved over to thecrying 
ChibiUsa, and without warning, pushed the 12 inch dowel into heraching, 
bleeding pussy. SHe screamed again in pure pain as the huge objectpenetrated 
her. Rei began pushing it in and out of her, however, as she did thisshe took 
ChibiUsa's clit in her spare hand and began pinching it. Thecombination of the 
two tortures caused ChibiUsa to Sream louder and louder, as Rei beganincreasing 
the pain factor further by biting her nipples. THe others on the bed,mean 
while, were all using their vibrators becaus ethey were so turned on.Rei 
stopped biting her nipples and began pinching and pulling them, andbrought her 
mouth to CHibiUsa's clit. She took it in her mouth as ChibiUsascreamed, 
NOOOOOO!!!. Rei ignored her, and began nibbling and biting ChibiUsa'sclit as 
she pinched her nipples and pushed the huge rod in and o! 
ut of her pussy. ChibiUSa came violently. Rei pulled the wet rod from 
ChibiUsa's pussy and returned to the bed. **************************** 
Haruka got up next. She untied Chibi Usa and retied her face Down onthe bed so 
that she was on her knees. Haruka raised her hand and brought it downhard on 
ChibiUsa's rear. ChibiUsa screamed as Haruka slapped her little assagain and 
again. Haruka then turned her around again and got out her doulbedildo. She 
pushed it up her pussy and set it on VIBRATE. She positioned it atChibiUsa's 
entrance, and pushed it in. ChibiUsa yelled again as yet antoherobject foced 
itself inside of her. Haruka pumped the vibrator in and out of herpussy, and 
at the same time massaged her clit. ChibiUsa actually began to likethe feeling 
that she was getting from all the sex, and began pumping her hips intime with 
Harukas. The two fucked each other on the vibrators. ChibiUsa beganmoaning 
now, as did Haruka. She was pushed over the edge. 
"HA... Ru.. Ka!!!!!!", she shouted as she and Haruka came. arukapulled the 
dildo out and tossed it onto the other bed. 
"We're done now, you guys can use it." 
Makoto inserted it into her own pussy and began having sex withSetsuna. 
***************************** Minako arose. 
"Now the goddess of Love get's a turn!" She approached ChibiUsa and untied her. 
"ChibiUsa, do you like my tits?" "I.. I don't know..." ChibiUsa said blushing. 
"I know you do because you're always staring at them when I talk toyou..." 
"You knew that I liked your tits?" 
"Of course, and if you had asked I would have shown them to you,that's what I 
did for the others when they asked." "Can... Can I touch them?" 
"Do whatever you like to them, ChibiUsa." 
ChibiUsa grabbed one and began squeezing it. She pinched the nipplehard. 
"ChibiUsa, do that harder..." 
ChibiUsa began pinching pulling and twisting her nipple harder. 
"Bite them ChibiUsa!" 
ChibiUsa took the other nipple in her mouth and began biting itsoftly. 
"Harder, ChibiUsa!! MAke it hurt!" 
ChibiUsa began biting hard now, as Minako screamed. At the same time,Minako 
began rubbing ChibiUsa's pussy. ChibiUsa moaned and kissed Minakopassionately. 
Minako continued rubbing ChibiUsa's pussy as they french kissed eachother over 
and over. Minako located ChibiUsa's clit and began pinching it.ChibiUsa 
moaned and came. "MINAKOCHAN!!!!" Minako returned to the bed and Michiru arose. 
****************** Michiru approached ChibiUsa. 
"ChibiUsa, would you like me to show you what Haruka and I do everynight?" 
"Yes!!" Michiru sat down on the bed next to her. 
"lie down and spread you legs." ChibiUsa did as she was told. 
Michiru lowered her face to her hairless pussy and began running hertoungue 
down her pussylips. 
ChibiUsa moaned in ecstacy as Michiru's toungue licked her. Michirubegan 
pushing her toungue into ChibiUsa's hole, tasting her pussy juice. 
"Can I lick your's too, Michiru-san?", chibiUsa moaned. 
Michiru got into 69 position. Chibiusa stared in awe at the beautifulpussy in 
front of her face. She licked it, and Michiru moaned. She bean lickingit 
more, tasting her juices and sucking on her pussy lips. ChibiUsa found
Michiru's clit and cautiously took it into her mouth. She beganflicking it 
with her tongue and sucking on it. Michiru moaned loudly as ChibiUsadid this, 
and began lickign ChibiUsa's clit. ChibiUsa writhed under her as shetook it 
into her mouth and lightly nibbled on it. ChibiUsa began doing thesame thing to 
Michiru. Both moaned louder and louder as they sucked and nibbbledeach other's 
clits. "Michiru-san!", Chibiusa shouted as she came, her pussy being taken
over by waves of pleasure. 
As she came, she mistakenly bit Michiru's clit harder than she hadbeen, causing 
michiru to cum. ChibiUsa licked the pussy juice up, and Michirureturned to the 
bed. ************************* Makoto whent over to ChibiUsa. 
"ChibiUsa, I hope you like pain..." CHibiUsa nodded. "Yeah, I do actually.. " 
"Good" Makoto ordered her to spread her pussy wide. She did, and Makotopushed 2 
fingers inside her.. ChibiUsa moaned, "More, Makochan!" 
Makoto pushed a third finger up ChibiUsa, and then a fourth. 
Chibiusa was writhing on the bed as Makoto put more in her. 
Makoto finnally pushed her entire fist up ChibiUsa's tight drippingpussy. 
ChibiUsa screamed as Makoto pushed her fist in all the was past herwrist. SHe 
pulled it out again, and then pushed it back in. SHe began insertingfingers 
from her other hand to cause ChibiUsa more pain. ChibiUsa was nowscreaming 
loudly from the torture. It hurt so much, she felt like she was beingripped 
inhalf! Blood and cum mixed and flowed from her pussy. Still, though,for some 
reason, she craved more pain. "Makoto!!! Make it hurt more!!!!!!!!!!!!" 
Makoto obeyed ChibiUsa and pushed her other fist inside CHibiUsa too.ChibiUsa 
now had both of Makoto's hands inside of her, and was bleeding allover the 
bed.Makoto decide to make it hurt even more, and took her clit in hermouth, 
She began biting it hard. ChibiUsa was still screaming for more pain,so makoto 
began pushing her foot into ChibiUsa's pussy along with her hands. Sheforced 
the whole thing in, and ChibiUsa's pussy began bleeding more, with twofists and 
a foot in her. "Make it hurt even more!!!!!!!!!" 
Makoto pushed her other foot into ChibiUsa. ChibiUSa was in so muchpain that 
she came, blood and cum spewing forth from her battered pussy. 
Makoto returned to the bed, and as soon as she sat down, Rei spreadher pussy 
and began pushing the rod she had into her. He others joined in andbit her 
nipples and clit. ********************** 
AMi got up and went to the bed where the bleeding cum covered ChibiUsalay. 
"ChibiUsa, you're a bit too tender for anything vaginal, so I'm goingto push 
this banana up your asshole.", she said, holding up a long yeelowbanana. 
"Turn over." 
ChibiUsa did, expecting a spanking. Ami began forcing the large bananainto 
ChibiUsa's ass. 
"OW! ChibiUsa yelled, as Ami forced the unlubricated banana into her."Ami, can 
you spank me too?? Make it hurt a lot!" 
Ami was happy to oblige, and began pumping the banana with one hand,and 
slapping ChibiUsa's ass with the other. She found that one hand wasn'tenough 
to satisy ChibiUsa's craving for pain, so she pused the banana intoher pussy so 
she could ass fuck chibiUsa with it and slap her iwht both hands. 
Ami was smacking chibiUsa with both hands now as she pumped the bananain and 
out of ChibiUsa's asshole.She called out, 
"toss me that whip!" to the others on the bed. They chucked it to herand 
resumed tortuening Makoto. 
Ami took the whip and began whipping ChibiUsa's ass hard with it. Atthe pain 
of the whip on her, ChibiUsa screamed. She abruptly turned around soami's whip 
hit her pussy instead of her ass. The pain searing through her madeher cum. 
Ami pulled out the banana and returned to the other bed. ********************* 
Setsuna walked over to ChibiUsa, the time staff in her hand. "Small Lady..." 
"Puu!! Are you gonna put that in me?" "If you wnat, Small Lady" "Yes!" 
Setsuna pushed the end without the garnet orb into ChibiUsa's pussy.She pumped 
it in and out, as ChibiUsa yelled, "Puu!!!!!!!!!!" 
She pumped it slow at first, and started speeding up. She beganpushing it 
harder into the little girl. "Puu, that's so good! Faster Puu!" 
Setstuana pushed it in and out even faster and harder, over and overagain, 
driving it up the 7 year old. "oh PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!" 
she screamed as she came. Setsuna removed the Time staff. 
"Did you like that, Small Lady?" "Yes, thank you Puu!" *********************** 
Hotaru approached ChibiUsa shyly. "ChibiUsa-chan?" "Hotaruchan!!" 
"I.. I don't know where to begin... ChibiUsa..." 
"How bout kissing her, Hotaru-chan," Haruka encouraged from the bed. 
""Ok.. ChibiUsachan.." 
She neared ChibiUsa and kissed her on the lips. They began kissing 
passionately, and ChibiUsa rolled onto Hotaru. 
"Hotaru-chan," She moaned between kisses, "Let's rub our pussiestogether." 
"Okay", Hotaru moaned as ChibiUsa kissed her. 
ChibiUsa positioned her pussy directly over Hotarus and began pumpingher hips. 
Hotaru moaned adn moved her hips in time with ChibiUsa's. Bith girlswere 
dripping pussy juice all over each other as their pussylips ans clitstouched 
again and again. 
Hotaru moaned as their sexes touched again and again. Both girls cameas their 
pussies met. "Hotaruchan!" "ChibiUsachan!" 
Hotaru laid there next to ChibiUsa on the bed for a few seconds as herorgasm 
subsides. She kissed her best friend on the lips and returned to theother bed. 
******************************* Usagi arose and walked over to her daughter. 
"ChibiUsa." "Usagi" 
They both instantly knew what they wanted to do. They assumed the 69position 
and began licking each others pussies. "Ummm.. ChibiUsa, you taste sooooo god" 
"Umm, Usagi, oh!!" 
ChibiUsa began squeezing Usagi's tits as she licked her, pinching thenipples. 
Usagi began doing the same to ChibiUsa's small nipples. 
They both came to a climax as they licked each other's clits andsqueezed each 
other's tits. Usagi returned to the bed and ChibiUsa sat up. 
"Everyone, that was the best birthday present ever!!!" 
"So, ChibiUsa, you up for another fuck?," Mamoru asked. 
"Yea!" She shouted, as she ran over to the bed to have sex with allthe others 
again. The End

http://rule34.paheal.net/post/list/yotsuba_koiwai/1

Rev up those fryers, Krabby Patties.

My name is Fred, and I am hungry for every single one of you. All of you are fat, juicy, patties who spend every second of their day on the grill. You are everything good in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten burned? I mean, I guess it's fun getting eaten by people because of your secret formula, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even better than the nasty shit at the Chum Bucket.

Don't be disgusting. Just hit me with your best shot. You're pretty much perfect. You were eaten by King Neptune, and by Squidward Tentacles. Who else have you been enjoyed by, other than pretty much everyone in Bikini Bottom? You also get straight A's in health inspections, and have a banging hot fryer (It just revved up. Shit was SO CASH). You are all delicious and should let me eat you. Thanks for listening.

Pic Related: It's me and my fryer, because I am sure hungry for one- HELP! HELP! MY LEG!

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01/24/07(Wed)03:27:44 No. <#19538800>19538800
<javascript:quote('19538800')>  

    Whats the difference between a white and a black jew?
    Jews have to go to the back of the furnace.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:28:03 No. <#19538805>19538805
<javascript:quote('19538805')> <#19538800>

    OP here, epic win'd

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:28:49 No. <#19538837>19538837
<javascript:quote('19538837')> <#19538800>

    Are there black jews?

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:29:15 No. <#19538849>19538849
<javascript:quote('19538849')> <#19538800>

    I would assume you men't BLACK Jews are forced to the back of the
    fernace.

    Nice set up, chap, but the delevery was pretty unsatisfying. :/

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:30:19 No. <#19538882>19538882
<javascript:quote('19538882')> <#19538800>

    >>19538837 <#19538837>
    Abyssinia has black jews.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:30:28 No. <#19538890>19538890
<javascript:quote('19538890')> <#19538800>

    i know i got filtered in my 2nd post :(


    still good though

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:32:27 No. <#19538945>19538945
<javascript:quote('19538945')> <#19538800>

    Oh, I get it, you hate blacks and jews. Haha, heh

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:36:20 No. <#19539057>19539057
<javascript:quote('19539057')> <#19538800>

    >>19538882 <#19538882>
    This is 2006 dude, we call it ethiopia.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:40:27 No. <#19539173>19539173
<javascript:quote('19539173')> <#19538800>

    What do you call 1,000 nigras jumping out of a plane with parachutes?

    Midnight.

    Without parachutes?

    Asphalt.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:41:22 No. <#19539202>19539202
<javascript:quote('19539202')> <#19538800>

    what is the similarity between an apple and a black man?
    they both look good hanging from a tree!!!

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:41:48 No. <#19539213>19539213
<javascript:quote('19539213')> <#19538800>

    Why do black people call white people crackers?

    Because the whip goes CRACK!

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:42:04 No. <#19539222>19539222
<javascript:quote('19539222')> <#19538800>

    What do you get when you cross a nigra and an octopus?

    One helluva cotton picker!

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:42:16 No. <#19539230>19539230
<javascript:quote('19539230')> <#19538800>

    Four niggers hop into a cadilac,
    get crunk,
    and drive it off a cliff..

    whats the problem?

    a cadilac seats Five.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:42:33 No. <#19539237>19539237
<javascript:quote('19539237')> <#19538800>

    What did the little German boy get for his birthday?
    Easy bake oven and a G.I Jew

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:42:46 No. <#19539242>19539242
<javascript:quote('19539242')> <#19538800>

    What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
    Christopher Reeve in a house fire.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:42:59 No. <#19539250>19539250
<javascript:quote('19539250')> <#19538800>

    what do you call a nigra that has an abortion?

    a crime stopper

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:43:16 No. <#19539261>19539261
<javascript:quote('19539261')> <#19538800>

    A nigga and a spic is sitting in the backseat of a car. Whos drving?

    The police.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:43:40 No. <#19539272>19539272
<javascript:quote('19539272')> <#19538800>
     File :1169628220.gif
<http://img.4chan.org/b/src/1169628220700.gif>-(162 KB, 462x579,
1137179874004.gif)
162 KB <http://img.4chan.org/b/src.cgi/1169628220700.gif>

    >>19538837 <#19538837>

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:43:41 No. <#19539273>19539273
<javascript:quote('19539273')> <#19538800>

    What's the difference between nigras and car tires?


    Tires don't sing when you put chains on 'em.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:44:18 No. <#19539285>19539285
<javascript:quote('19539285')> <#19538800>

    Whats the difference between a basketball and a nigra?

    Your not allowed to kick the basketball.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:44:53 No. <#19539304>19539304
<javascript:quote('19539304')> <#19538800>

    What do you get if you cross a gypsy with a nigra?

    The worlds laziest thief.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:45:30 No. <#19539321>19539321
<javascript:quote('19539321')> <#19538800>

    What do you call niggers playing in leaves?
    Raisin Bran

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:45:43 No. <#19539325>19539325
<javascript:quote('19539325')> <#19538800>

    Why are jungles safer than cities?

    In cities, the monkeys have guns

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:45:55 No. <#19539330>19539330
<javascript:quote('19539330')> <#19538800>

    Q: What do you call a black priest?
    A: Holy Shit

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:46:11 No. <#19539338>19539338
<javascript:quote('19539338')> <#19538800>

    What did God say when he created the nigra.
    Damnit, there I burned one again

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:46:27 No. <#19539345>19539345
<javascript:quote('19539345')> <#19538800>

    Why is there no mexican olympic team?
    All the spics who can run, jump or swim are in the U.S.!

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:46:45 No. <#19539354>19539354
<javascript:quote('19539354')> <#19538800>

    Why do jews poke around in ash trays?

    Their doing family research

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:46:55 No. <#19539357>19539357
<javascript:quote('19539357')> <#19538800>

    Why do niggers have flat noses?
    That's where god put his feet when he was pulling off their tails

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:47:06 No. <#19539364>19539364
<javascript:quote('19539364')> <#19538800>

    >>19539250 <#19539250>

    What do you call a nigga that has two abortions?

    A National Fuckin' Hero.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:47:10 No. <#19539368>19539368
<javascript:quote('19539368')> <#19538800>

    Why do jews have such big noses?
    Because air is free

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:47:20 No. <#19539371>19539371
<javascript:quote('19539371')> <#19538800>

    Why arnt there any jewish soccer teams?

    Because they all hurt themself trying to get the flip coin.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:47:36 No. <#19539380>19539380
<javascript:quote('19539380')> <#19538800>

    A nigger finds a magic lamp and rubs it and when the genie pops out
    he told it he wanted to be "Tight, White, and outta sight!" So it
    turned him into a Tampon.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:47:48 No. <#19539391>19539391
<javascript:quote('19539391')> <#19538800>

    Not a single funny line in this thread. Attempts to insult
    blacks(poorly)!= funny

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:47:55 No. <#19539396>19539396
<javascript:quote('19539396')> <#19538800>

    Why is aspirin white?

    because it works.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:48:17 No. <#19539401>19539401
<javascript:quote('19539401')> <#19538800>

    A Mexican couple lives in an appartment below a black couple and a
    white couple, the apartment burns up but the white couple survive. Why?

    They were at work.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:48:38 No. <#19539408>19539408
<javascript:quote('19539408')> <#19538800>

    Whats the difference between a jew and a pizza?

    Pizzas dont scream when you put them in the oven

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:48:51 No. <#19539412>19539412
<javascript:quote('19539412')> <#19538800>

    Why are the bottom of black people's hands, white?

    Because everybody has a little bit of good in them.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:49:07 No. <#19539417>19539417
<javascript:quote('19539417')> <#19538800>

    Why do black people only have nightmares?

    Because the last one to have a dream got shot.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:49:13 No. <#19539418>19539418
<javascript:quote('19539418')> <#19538800>

    A Mexican, an American, and a Chinese man were on a lazer together,
    sailing to a new country. Each was leaving behind their home for a
    fresh start.

    The Mexican threw cigars overboard. The Chinese man asked him,
    "Why'd you do that?" He said "because there are too many of those in
    my country.

    The Chinese man then took out some firecrackers and threw them
    overboard. The American asked him why he did that. He responded
    "Because there are too many of those in my country."

    The American then picked up the Mexican and threw him overboard. The
    Chinese man exclaimed "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" He responded "There
    are too many of those in my country."

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:49:17 No. <#19539420>19539420
<javascript:quote('19539420')> <#19538800>

    How do you fit 100 Jews into a mini-cooper?

    4 in the seats, 96 in the ashtray.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:49:19 No. <#19539423>19539423
<javascript:quote('19539423')> <#19538800>

    there was a racist joke thread like two weeks ago and I swear to god
    this thread is 100% identical to it, all the same jokes, in the same
    order. wtf :\

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:49:24 No. <#19539426>19539426
<javascript:quote('19539426')> <#19538800>

    What do you say to a black man in a three piece suit?

    Will the defendant please rise?

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:49:32 No. <#19539429>19539429
<javascript:quote('19539429')> <#19538800>

    What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

    One less drunk.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:49:48 No. <#19539438>19539438
<javascript:quote('19539438')> <#19538800>

    How do you kill a Jew?

    Put him in a round room and tell him there's a quarter in the corner.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:49:59 No. <#19539443>19539443
<javascript:quote('19539443')> <#19538800>

    what is yellow and sits on my front porch?

    my nigger and i'll paint it whatever color i please

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:50:16 No. <#19539458>19539458
<javascript:quote('19539458')> <#19538800>

    What do you call two blacks on one bike?

    Organized crime!

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:50:16 No. <#19539460>19539460
<javascript:quote('19539460')> <#19538800>

    A black man, a jew, and a spic jump off a cliff to see who'd land on
    the ground first.

    Who wins?
    Society.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:50:18 No. <#19539463>19539463
<javascript:quote('19539463')> <#19538800>

    What do you say to a floating tv at night?

    Drop it nigger.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:50:41 No. <#19539471>19539471
<javascript:quote('19539471')> <#19538800>

    Whos faster than the nigger stealing your TV?

    His brother with your VCR.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:50:52 No. <#19539474>19539474
<javascript:quote('19539474')> <#19538800>

    Q) Why did the chicken cross the road
    A) To get away from the nigger

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:51:03 No. <#19539477>19539477
<javascript:quote('19539477')> <#19538800>

    What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
    nigger in the road?
    The dog has skid marks leading up to it.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:51:18 No. <#19539482>19539482
<javascript:quote('19539482')> <#19538800>

    Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHITE PEOPLE AND A BUCKET OF SHIT?
    A: THE BUCKET.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:51:38 No. <#19539492>19539492
<javascript:quote('19539492')> <#19538800>

    What do you do if you wake up in the middle of the night to see your
    television floating in mid-air?
    Shoot the nigger stealing it.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:52:04 No. <#19539501>19539501
<javascript:quote('19539501')> <#19538800>

    What did the little nigger boy get for christmas?

    MY BIKE!

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:52:16 No. <#19539509>19539509
<javascript:quote('19539509')> <#19538800>

    Why are all the niggers fast runners?
    All the slow ones are in jail.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:52:58 No. <#19539526>19539526
<javascript:quote('19539526')> <#19538800>

    How was the grand canyon formed? A jew lost a quarter in the desert.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:53:11 No. <#19539534>19539534
<javascript:quote('19539534')> <#19538800>

    Why do niggers have small steering wheels on their cars?

    So they can drive with handcuffs on

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:53:51 No. <#19539554>19539554
<javascript:quote('19539554')> <#19538800>

    whats black, smelly and one mile long?

    welfare queue in Harlem

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:54:12 No. <#19539562>19539562
<javascript:quote('19539562')> <#19538800>

    Q: What do you do if you see a black man flopping around on the ground?


    A: Stop laughing and reload

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:54:24 No. <#19539564>19539564
<javascript:quote('19539564')> <#19538800>

    PONTIAC

    Poor
    Old
    Nigger
    Thinks
    It's
    A
    Caddilac

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:54:38 No. <#19539573>19539573
<javascript:quote('19539573')> <#19538800>

    What was the only thing missing from the million man march?


    An auctionner

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:54:50 No. <#19539576>19539576
<javascript:quote('19539576')> <#19538800>

    why are there only 2 pallbearers at a nigger funeral?
    There's only 2 handles on a garbage can.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:55:07 No. <#19539584>19539584
<javascript:quote('19539584')> <#19538800>

    WHY CANT STEVIE WONDER READ?

    BECAUSE HE'S A NIGGER.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:55:21 No. <#19539588>19539588
<javascript:quote('19539588')> <#19538800>

    How did they improve the transportation in harlem?


    Move the trees closer together.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:55:48 No. <#19539604>19539604
<javascript:quote('19539604')> <#19538800>

    How can you tell if a nigger is pregnant?


    You stick a banana up her pussy, and if it comes out half eatin' you
    know there is another monkey on the way.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:56:36 No. <#19539625>19539625
<javascript:quote('19539625')> <#19538800>

    What's the difference between a canoe and a jew?

    A canoe tips.

    What happens when a jew with a hardon walks into a wall?


    He breaks his nose

>>	01/24/07(Wed)03:57:19 No. <#19539640>19539640
<javascript:quote('19539640')> <#19538800>

    >>19539213 <#19539213>
    >Why do black people call white people crackers?
    >Because the whip goes CRACK!

    Uh, that's actually IS where it comes from, cracker is short for
    whip-cracker, not white like a cracker or any stupid shit like that.
    I give nigs shit for saying that within earshot of me.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)04:00:51 No. <#19539729>19539729
<javascript:quote('19539729')> <#19538800>

    >>19539501 <#19539501>

    Truth. I had a bike for a long time when I was a kid, then times got
    tough and we moved to a mostly nigra neighborhood.

    My bike was stolen within two weeks.

>>	01/24/07(Wed)04:07:39 No. <#19539933>19539933
<javascript:quote('19539933')> <#19538800>

    Whats the difference between a nigra and a pizza?

    A Pizza can feed a family.

>be on /g/, using my Gentoo rig powered by QUADFIRE 7970s and an i7 2600k, when knock at cave door
>OPEN UP WE'S THE POH LEASE
>push a couple old Pentium 4s against the door (those things are just so damn handy)
>begin waddling towards escape hatch
>BANG BANG BANG
>cops shooting the door, screaming MURIKA FUCK YEAH
>be Canadian, quite confused
>continue waddling as fast as I can
>cops break door down
>they begin sprinting towards me
>one gets caught in my intranet
>fuck that was an expensive cable it's hard to get them that long
>whatever
>cop begins shooting me
>dive behind Fermi pile
>Fermis burst into flames, buying me time
>grab my Thinkpad
>escape hatch blocked by cans
>prepare for final stand
>cop comes around corner
>nail her on the head with my Thinkpad
>Thinkpad 1 SWAT helmet 0
>another cop rounds corner
>shoots me
>absorbed in my fat, bounces off
>this angers me
>release the bear
>Guardian Neckbear leaps from neck and begins biting cop
>throw GNU/Hurd kernel DVDs at him
>he dies from disgust
>cop jumps through can pile
>falls onto my pile of dragon dildos
>runs back out screaming
>jump in my get-away pedovan
>mom runs out of house
>SERGIO COMPUTER NO JUST WORKO
>NOT NOW MOM I'M BUSY
>rev up car
>cop cars begin coming around corner
>speed off
>they chase me
>they have no drivers and crash into poles
>an entire polish parade
>1.7% of the parade survive
>more cops behind me
>NO TIME FOR LOVE, COPPERS
>helicopter appears above me
>it's rotational velociodencity begins to degrade as it comes closer to my giant dog-shapped pedovan
>it bluescreens

I use linux since a long time ago, but seeing how lots of people here praise windows 7 so much and bash linux, I decided to try it. To my realisation this "windows 7 is good" thing is an elaborate troll; here are my reasons:

Just after finishing installing it I rebooted and noticed that it wrote over grub, thus forbidding me to boot my other OS's. Why would you even do that? Why doesn't it check if there are other OS's installed and let me choose?

After my first dissapontment I booted into my fresh windows 7 install and tried to install drivers for my gpu, after 5 minutes trying to find a package manager and some googling I understood that windows doesn't work like that! You have to go to the website of the GPU manufacturer to download drivers! WHY????!!!! Linux had package managers since before I had hair in my penis, how can windows, an OS made by a fucking billionaire corporation, don't have a simple package manager? I fucking had to use "internet explorer" (a fucking excuse to a good browser) to get a real browser!

And it doesn't stop there! you have to look online for every program you want, all have different installers that make you agree to some obscure legal documents and try to install shitware like toolbars all over your computer! And that's not all, if you want to update most of these programs you can't fucking click somewhere to update them all, you have to update each of them manually, lots don't even have a way of updating them so you have to go to their site and download the new version!

Also you can't do fucking anything with the "command line", it doesn't bring any of the famous coreutils available on all Linux distros and even Mac OSX! The command line is a fucking joke only made to show that their excuse for an OS could be useful.

After raging for a few hours I understood your trolling /g/ and will stay away from that piece of crap you faggots love to rice 

OP do you know how many threads we have on building a computer every day? There are dozens. And every time it's the same thing, "/g/, new to computer, do everything for me and I buy" or the classic "I want to play videogames so build me a computer". Well OP, as a seasoned /g/-browser, I'd like to tell you to go fuck yourself. Have you ever heard of Logical Increments? Well then go google it, you lazy worthless sack of shit. And as I sit here eating my Subway� Tuscan Chicken Melt Sub� I come to wonder, why is there such a constant influx of idiot aspies? One can only wonder, but I'll assume you are either from /v/ or /b/. I would also like to take a minute to tell you to go back to your cesspool of shit and to kindly not come back to /g/ unless you have something worthwhile to contribute. I'm not trying to be offensive to you, it's just that I hate lazy sperglords like you. You do know that the internet is a very large resource with a wealth of information right? Well did it ever come across your mind that somehow, _somewhere_, there might be a place that is actually dedicated to helping people with their first build, that isn't /g/? Of course it wouldn't, because you're a thoughtless shitstain. Your specs are shit, your build is shit, and you're shit. But what else is to be expected of a cock-mongling niglet of such status as yourself? As I stated before, go back to whatever cesspool of shit you came from, and please, never return here again.
-/g/

Router:
- No uPnP
- Wireless disabled

PC:
- Use Linux for everything but games, not running Steam on Linux
- Linux and Windows on separate disks, physically disconnect Linux disk when booting into Windows
- Use peerblock on Windows
- Very light Gentoo install as a VM host (DWM, no DE installed)
- Virtualize pretty much everything on Linux (including Firefox), multiple VMs for security
- Separate single-purpose bank/government-website-VM with encrypted VHD
- Firefox addons: RequestPolicy, HTTPSEverywhere, NoScript, CookieMonster, ABP
- (Pseudo-)randomly generated passwords of maximum allowed length and character classes per service, stored in an encrypted database
- Temporary files stored on a ramdisk, files are gone on reboot
- Shred potentially sensitive data instead of deleting
- When installing scripts (e.g. vimscripts) outside of portage, scan the source manually
- Not using Facebook, Twitter, etc.

I may be forgetting some things.

>Live in a very rural area
>Few neighbors, everyone owns guns
>Everything is stored on a server with encrypted HDDs that can only be decrypted with both the password and the serial number of the processor that the server uses (which is retrieved automagically)
>My entire home (especially server) has backup power for ~2 days, longer if the generator has more gas
>Server requires two keys to startup (not even joking) that must be turned simultaneously; only my wife and I have a key
>Password is ~32 Chars long from a pool of at least 92 different characters
>Six different backups as of a month ago, plus two more from further back that are set up to be decrypted with a different processor on the off chance that my current one fails
>Backup processor is kept in a separate lock box inside of a hidden safe
>Entirely closed-circuit, no outside connections allowed
>No DNS, not even over the local network
>MAC addresses of the computers who try to connect are logged and I am emailed if the server doesn't recognize/trust one
>If the right light switches in my home are in the correct position at any one moment, the server will power-down, reset bios, flush memory, restart, and run diagnostics for one day exactly before it can be used again
>A timed breaker will be reset for every cold-restart restarting the day-long process if the diagnostics were stopped before the one day passed
>The breaker can be reset by hand, but it requires a different two keys to open the box the breaker is housed in

Ive been using 2 USB drives for the past 3 - 3.5 years.

Tails limux which is always kept upto date using luks and persistent encryption folders. 

Kali-linux, which was formerly Backtrack linux and also kept up to date with a luks encrypted drive and a persistent volume. 
Replica Android on my S2 that is yes encrypted with luks to some extent with using a Xprivacy xframework apk that stops all sensitive information being leaked, removing unneeded blobs when the rom was built.

I own 8 laptops with all the hard drives removed, my only tower is a server running quebec linux that is the host of a VM I'm slowly learning how to build into a tails-server until the official one is released, a freeNAS VM for sharing files across my Phone, USB's.

I don't own a phone line or Internet connection I always use obfs3 bridged connections and my entire phone is torified. 

I run 3 rPI's behind the bridged connections, bridge, entry and exit nodes.

Using a TP-Link directional 24dbi antenna with a 2w amplifier on a Alfa AWUS051NH.

I know it's tin foil but I think it isn't even scratching the surface. 

Does /g/ have anything like this ?

ED: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a gazebo.
ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it?
ED: (Pause) It's white, Eric.
ERIC: How far away is it?
ED: About fifty yards.
ERIC: How big is it?
ED: (Pause) It's about thirty feet across, fifteen feet high, with a pointed top.
ERIC: I use my sword to detect good on it.
ED: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo!
ERIC: (Pause) I call out to it.
ED: It won't answer. It's a gazebo!
ERIC: (Pause) I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it respond in any way?
ED: No, Eric, it's a gazebo!
ERIC: I shoot it with my bow (roll to hit). What happened?
ED: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.
ERIC: (Pause) Wasn't it wounded?
ED: Of course not, Eric! It's a gazebo!
ERIC: (Whimper) But that was a plus three arrow!
ED: It's a gazebo, Eric, a gazebo! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try. It's a *)@#! gazebo!
ERIC: (Long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.) I run away.
ED: (Thoroughly frustrated) It's too late. You've woken up the gazebo, and it catches you and eats you.
ERIC: (Reaching for his dice) Maybe I'll roll up a fire-using mage so I can avenge my Paladin.

Omg hai ^___^ Im (Insert ghey wap name here)-chan and I absolutely luuuv @_____@ 4chan <3 and my fav is the anime and yaoi boards!!!!! OK so anyways, I'm going to tell you about the BEST day of my life when I met my hot husband Sasuke!! <333333333 OMFGZ HE WAS SOOOOO FREAKIN KAWAII IN PERSON!!! SUPAA KAWAII  DESU NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! ^______________________________________^


When I walked onto Tokyo street =^____^= I looked up and saw SASUKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333!!!!


KONNICHIWA OMGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ SUPAA SUPAA SUPAA KAWAII SASUKE-SAMA!!!!! I yelled n____n then he turned chibi then un-chibi!!


he looked at me [O.O;;;;;;;;;;;] and then he saw how hot I am *___* he grabbed my hand and winked ~_^ then pulled me behind a pocky shop o_o and started to kiss me!!!!!! [OMG!!! HIS TONGUE TASTED LIKE RAMEN!!! RLY!! >.> <.< >.< (^O^) (^O^) (^O^)] then I saw some baka fat bitch watching us and I could tell she was undressing him with her eyes!!!!!!! [ -_____________-;;;;; OMG I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER!!! (�_�) (�_�) (�_�)] so I yelled UH UH BAKA NEKO THAT'S MY MAN WHY DON'T YOU GO HOOK UP WITH NARUTO CAUSE SASUKE-SAMA LOVES ME!!! (�_�) then Sasuke held me close =^____^= and said he would only ever love me!!!!!!!! And guess what!!!!!! He kissed me again!!!!!!! ** \(^O^)/ then we went to his apartment and banged all night long and made 42 babies and they all became ninjas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nyaaaaa!!! (^________<) ^_________________^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; 

Hey /b/, I'm a girl gamer.

No I'm not fat. No I won't make you a sandwich. No I'm not ugly. No I don't go out with guy gamers, because they're usually socially retarded and ugly. Yes my boyfriend is a bit of a jock, so what? No I won't show you my tits, so don't fucking ask.

And finally.

Yes, we do fucking exist, so stop saying otherwise. And we enjoy games (SHOCK HORROR) just as much as men.

I woke up at exactly 6:00. I need no alarm clock. Two women woke me by sucking my cock, which by the way is 17 and a half inches. I didn't need to shower, because my body self cleanses and my pores emit the manliest cologne possible.

I got in my 2009 Lamborghini Murcielago and another one of my bitches was waiting in the passenger seat. She was in the car all night, because she couldn't sleep without me having penetrated her. She hopped on me and started riding my dick while I squeezed her tits and drove with my knees. In three seconds, I arrived at the gym, which was fifty miles away. I threw the bitch off me, and she quickly returned to the passenger seat, where she would sit until I got back. When I got out the car, I flexed. My bulging, huge, muscles ripped my shirt off, and six women lined up. We had an orgy, which didn't last too long. Each woman climaxed when my cock came within five inches of her pussy, and went into an eternal state of euphoria after I put it in. I came, and three hundred gallons of semen shot out. It landed in Ghana, and ended the drought.

I hovered into the gym, because the ground was too scared of my calf muscles to touch my feet. After benching seven thousand tons, I squatted four million kilograms. I started doing my four hundred laps around California, but I got a phone call. It was a conference call with nineteen supermodels. They orgasmed after hearing my voice. My bitch in the car was getting lonely, so I went back. She sucked me off as I took the three second drive back home. I left her in the car and went inside.

So, /b/, here's my story:

Minutes ago I've arrived home from the new arcade, which is pretty awesome. They got this small stage with Guitar Hero, which was the first game (as I had never played before) I went to play. So to start off I choose a pretty easy song, and I get 98%, setting a new highscore and making some kids drop their jaws.

But there's more: In the middle of the small crowd of kids that formed behind me, there was this cute 10-year-old girl wearing long leather boots and, I think, was using lipstick. She was winking to me.

So I'm like, WTF, a 10-year-old girl is hitting on me. I didn't know how to react, and before I could think about anything a kid snatched the guitar off my hands and the girl wandered away (these two actions weren't related, I guess), and now I think about it, and if I should have done something.

What does Anonymous think?

Guns are for people with no lives and are for criminals. Guns are cheap and have no honor. Guns are evil and disgusting.

Swords, Swords are weapons Swords are honorable weapons of war. They require the welder to have skill. They require the beholder to have honor.
They are real weapons.

Guns are just plastic and metal thrown together to fire lead. And did I say guns are for chicken **** people as well?

The time it takes for you to figure out whether the person is coming at you with the sword and THEN cock it THEN load it and THEN arm it they could've dashed at you and killed you. So there you go.

seeing as i can stop bullets with my fingers i dont think a gun is very useful imo... now, swords are pretty cool.. Both weapons have alot of varitey but lets face it; swords have been around longer and they have more epic battles... now i'm not saying WWI and WWII weren't epic it's just... whats the fun in sitting in a smelly rat-infested trench waiting to get shot? back in the days were swords were the weapon of choice (along with the other weapons like maces, bows, laces, etc.) the battles were epic and fast paced. all i'm saying is that swords have been around for a long time and they are too 1337 to compare to most guns

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I hurt my /b/ today.
To see if the cancer is still there.
I trolled the newfags hard
The threat is still so real.
The copypasta tears them apart.
The old familiar rage.
Try to post original content,
but they wont see anything.
What has /b/ become, my sweetest friend.
Every meme we know, comes back as cancer in the end.
And you could have it all, moots advertising empire on /b/.
Newfags will let us down,
Snacks will make us hurt.
I wear this crown of memes
apon my oldfag chair.
Full of shit memes
ERROR FLOOD DETECTED.

Today was a hot summer day and I was in my workout room benching 1200 pounds. My abs were flexing and girls within a 10 mile radius were getting wet. Once I was done with my daily 32 hour workout I called one of the bitches I know, Sarah. She is really fucking hot and looks like a supermodel. SO I got into my Lamborghini Gallardo and reved it up to 40,000 RPM (this is an Italian import with special engine system). I got onto the freeway near my house and threw it into 8th gear, I hit about 600 mph and I could hear the sonic boom as I broke the sound barrier. As I was flooring it on the freeway like a badass, Senjogahara called me and said she wanted me to fuck her. So be it.

I came to a full stop from 700 mph in front of her house. These Ferrari's have top notch brakes, you know. So she gets out of the house and walks up to my Bugatti and starts eyeballing my cock. I could tell she was staring at it because when I looked at her I noticed she was looking at my cock. Booya.

Flash forward to like 10 minutes later. My 30 inch cock is going inside of her pussy, hitting them walls. I'm holding her entire body up with my left pinky as I'm fucking her and she has 30,000 orgasms. She looks me in the eyes and she says "harder." V-TEC just kicked in, yo. I blow my load so hard she falls off my cock. There had to have been about two pints of cum everywhere. People say I cum like a pornstar, I wouldn't disagree with them.

I throw her a towel so she can clean herself up then I do a triple backflip into my Maserati and drive home.

It was a hot summer day and I was in at Mickey D's flippin like 1200 burgers. My gut was dripping sweat and girls within a 10 mile radius could smell it. Once I was done with my daily 10 hour shift I called one of the bitches I know, Jessica. She is slutty and looks.... well, she puts out. SO I got into my geo metro and reved it up to 4,000 RPM (this is a 90s import with pretty shitty transmission). I got onto the freeway near my house and threw it into 5th gear, I hit about 60 mph and I could hear the boom as I broke one of the rear shock mounts. As I was flooring it on the freeway like a badass, Jessica called me and said she wanted me to bring her some taco bell. So be it.

I came to a full stop from 35 mph in front of her house. This neon has fairly big brakes, you know. So she gets out of the house and walks up to my grand am and starts eyeballing my gut. I could tell she was staring at it because when I looked at her I noticed she was looking at my beer belly. Booya.

Flash forward to like 3 minutes later. My 5 inch dick is going inside of her VAGINA, our guts slapping together. I can barely hold myself up as I'm nailing her and she said she's gonna have an orgasm. She looks me in the eyes and she says harder. V-TEC just kicked in, yo. I blow my load before i could pull out, dammit. It's had to have been about two weeks since she ran out of birth control and couldnt afford the copay. Still, people say I'm lucky i even get laid, I wouldn't disagree with them.

I throw her a dale earnhardt commemorative beach towel so she can clean herself up then I do a hood slide into my hyundai and drive home.

Pic related, my car.

☣
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℘ ℑ ℜ ℵ ♏ η α βεℓℓα

Come at me you plebian. I am the fucking pinnacle of man, both body and mind. I attend an Ivy league university, completely payed off by scholarships, with the leftover money used to buy myself a luxury vehicle. My grade point average is perfect point O. After I finish my dual bachelors I will be accepted straight away into the doctorate program. I will have two doctorate degree's by age twenty-five, owe zero debts, and make more money a year than you will in a lifetime. The funny thing is, this is the average /a/ browser. There are many who far surpass me.

Because JPEGs are more heavily compressed than other image formats, their information is more volatile and likely to expand at high speed through an unchecked buffer, poorly allocated resource or any other available system space. I'd guess you're probably losing image data through one of these means.

You see, when you load a JPEG into memory, the EXtra colour Information Format (EXIF) header is loaded into RAM in order to prepare the video prebuffer for the incoming high-speed flow of colour information from the uncorked JPEG. If your bus isn't ready for this information, the rapidly decompressing file information can flow through other parts of your system.

Ordinarily this isn't a problem: as a matter of fact, JPEG was designed for this sort of thing. Older computers couldn't handle the explosive power behind the fledgeling image decompression algorithm, so rather than fight it, image experts invented the Jampacked Picture Extraction and Gathering (JPEG) protocol. They cleverly decided to allow the image data to spray wherever it would, knowing that after the extraction phase would send raw data all over the inside of the computer, the gathering phase would locate it all and reassemble it into an image. With the advent of faster computers the delay between spray and collection is so small as to be unnoticeable, while newer and bigger video cards are more capable of withstanding the onslaught of colours.

Still, the primary weakness of this algorithm is the haphazard placement of decompressed data. There's just too much of it to channel through normal means, so any loss of data containment results in corrupted images. In your case, it would appear that you're losing image data through the empty hole where your goddamned shift key should be. 

That�s it. I�m sick of all this �Masterwork Bastard Sword� bullshit that�s going on in the d20 system right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I�m talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that�s about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I�m pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That�s right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)

1d12 Damage
19-20 x4 Crit
+2 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)

2d10 Damage
17-20 x4 Crit
+5 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don�t you think?

Gomenasai /v/, my name is Ken-Sama.

I'm a 27 year old American Otaku (Anime fan for you gaijins). I draw Anime and Manga on my tablet, and spend my days perfecting my art and playing superior Japanese games. (Disgaea, Final Fantasy, God Hand)

I train with my Katana every day, this superior weapon can cut clean through steel because it is folded over a thousand times, and is vastly superior to any other weapon on earth. I earned my sword license two years ago, and I have been getting better every day.

I speak Japanese fluently, both Kanji and the Osaka dialect, and I write fluently as well. I know everything about Japanese history and their bushido code, which I follow 100%

When I get my Japanese visa, I am moving to Tokyo to attend a prestigious High School to learn more about their magnificent culture. I hope I can become an animator for Studio Ghibli or a game designer!

I own several kimonos, which I wear around town. I want to get used to wearing them before I move to Japan, so I can fit in easier. I bow to my elders and seniors and speak Japanese as often as I can, but rarely does anyone manage to respond.

Wish me luck in Japan!

It was a hot summer day and I was in my workout room benching 1200 pounds. My abs were flexing and girls within a 10 mile radius were getting wet. Once I was done with my daily 32 hour workout I called one of the bitches I know, Senjogahara. She is really fucking hot and looks like a supermodel. SO I got into my Lamborghini Gallardo and reved it up to 40,000 RPM (this is an Italian import with special engine system). I got onto the freeway near my house and threw it into 8th gear, I hit about 600 mph and I could hear the sonic boom as I broke the sound barrier. As I was flooring it on the freeway like a badass, Senjogahara called me and said she wanted me to fuck her. So be it.

I came to a full stop from 700 mph in front of her house. These Ferrari's have top notch brakes, you know. So she gets out of the house and walks up to my Bugatti and starts eyeballing my cock. I could tell she was staring at it because when I looked at her I noticed she was looking at my cock. Booya.

Flash forward to like 10 minutes later. My 30 inch cock is going inside of her pussy, hitting them walls. I'm holding her entire body up with my left pinky as I'm fucking her and she has 30,000 orgasms. She looks me in the eyes and she says "harder." V-TEC just kicked in, yo. I blow my load so hard she falls off my cock. There had to have been about two pints of cum everywhere. People say I cum like a pornstar, I wouldn't disagree with them.

I throw her a towel so she can clean herself up then I do a triple backflip into my Maserati and drive home.

Men disgust me. I’m a lesbian and I’m sick to death of you ignorant bastards. For starters, no, I will not show you my tits. I don’t see how any of you have the right to tell another woman to get naked, you dogs might see women as flesh for your pleasure but NOTHING gives you the right to take advantage of a woman just because you believe that you’re ‘stronger’ or ‘better’. You describe women as ‘cumdumpsters’, quite frankly I’m enraged by this, if I ever heard you say this word in real life I would punch you so hard you’d be in a coma for the next month.

What gives you the right to think that you can tell us what to do? I will never be ordered around by a man. Actually I’m so passionate about this I managed to get this asshole guy suspended from my work for making sexist comments about me and ordering me to get him a fucking coffee every minute. Now he’s learnt his lesson and is making ME the coffee.

I weep for a world without men, a paradise. Without men there would be no crime, no wars and everyone would be treated equally.

Unfortunately I can’t see my utopia happening anytime soon but I warn you, women’s rights groups are still fighting for equality and in the future society might not be quite so lenient on you misogynist bastards. And by the way… you don't need men to make baby girls anymore: news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/1431489.stm U mad?

not mad at all. enjoy your down syndrome babys

OH HERRO AMERICANS THIS IS SHIGERU MIYAMOTO AND THIS IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE

I WAS 65 YEARS OLD WHEN VIETNAM BROKE OUT, I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY WHEN MY FAMILY GOT NAPALMED BUT IT WAS TOO BAD BECAUSE MY RICE FIELDS GOT BURNED, SO INSTEAD I DECIDED TO DO GAME DESIGN

SO I GOT AN AMERICAN GUN AND WENT ALL MO FO RAMBO ON MY OWN KIND TO PROVE TO THEM THAT I WAS A NIGGA FROM ANOTHER BROTHA, I THEN PROCEEDED TO EAT THE FLESH OF THE YELLOW KIN AND EVENTUALLY WAS IMPORTED IN A CARDBOARD BOX (that's how i came up with the carboard box in resident evil) INTO AMERICA WHERE I WAS TO MAKE GAMES AS A SLAVE FOR A MAN NAMED REGGIE FILS-AIME

REGGIE PROCEEDED TO PERFORM DEVIOUS SEXUAL ACTS ON ME FOR A PERIOD OF 36 YEARS... IT WAS NOW 1986... EVENTUALLY BOBBY KOTICK, PRESIDENT OF NINTENDO, TOLD REGGIE TO STOP RAPING MY ANUS

THIS IS WHEN I STARTED ON MY FIRST GAME, THEY WERE JUST DEVELOPING THE NINTENDO WII AND THEY WANTED ME TO CREATE THEIR LAUNCH TITLE: HALO 3 ABOUT A MAN FIGHTING THINGS CALLED DARKSPAWN

AFTER BEING CONVERTED TO HOMOSEXUALITY I DECIDED TO EMBED MULTIPLE PHALLIC SYMBOLS INTO MY GAME, FOR INSTANCE INSTEAD OF A MACHINE GUN, THE MAIN CHARACTER: ZELDA HELD A SPURTING DILDO AND THUS THE WII CONTROLLER WAS FORMED, WE PROCEEDED TO RELEASE THE SYSTEM A YEAR LATER IN 1993

I HAD EXTENSIVE ANAL INJURIES DUE TO REGGIE'S CONTINUOUS RAPING TO MY WRINKLED 94 YEAR OLD ANUS AND THE INTERNAL BLEEDING WHICH HAD ACCUMULATED OVER THE COURSE OF 10 YEARS WAS FINALLY GETTING TO ME. SO MY ARMS WERE AMPUTATED, THATS WHEN I ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, BUT REALIZED IT WOULD COOL CUZ IF I DIED I WOULD BECOME A ZOMBIE SO RESIDENT EVIL WAS BORN. I ALSO PUT A BOX IN IT AND REVOLUTIONIZED THE INDUSTRY WITH WINDOWS 7. I DIED A YEAR LATER AND WAS BURIED IN THE FAMILY CEMETERY OF BILL GATES, WHEN REGGIE DIES HE IS TO BE BURRIED IN A SPOONING POSITION WITH ME SO HE IS ETERNALLY RAPING ME.

When you come in this fucking thread, you sure as motherfucking shit had better respect me. Actually fuck respect, you had better worship the motherfucking ground I walk on, motherfucker. You god damn think I'm just going to sit here and let you stomp all over me with your ignorance and disrespect? FUCK YOU dude, I am not going to be passive about this shit. You had better pray to fucking christ I don't find out where you live, or you might find out what a 12 gauge to the face feels like, you fucking bitch.

that's it huh
you REALLY want to piss me off don't you?
well you know what, i dont need your shit. i'm sick of the way you act , it's a pathetic ruse to make up for your lack of a social life. well you need to listen up. i'm not going to deal with your shit anymore, im taking this shit to the real world. let's see how you act then you pussy ass bitch, i'll fuck you up so bad youll be crying and shit but if you start bleeding youre on your own cuz i aint helping you clean that shit up
got it faggot? dont even think i dont mean this, I will fucking destroy your life

ok. if that�s how you want it to be, your choice. do you honestly think i cant bribe a mod for your ip adress? everyone has a price. do this a couple months back, ok i might�ve let it slide, now, someone so much as looks at me the wrong way and there�s gonna be problems, lucky for me they always back the fuck down so i don�t gotta get my hands dirty. i know you�ll try the same when shit hits the fan but dont think ill be so linient, cause i wont. Don�t say i didn�t warn you.
you guys think you�re real tough behind your computer talking shit, but let me tell you that it will catch up with you someday... and that day may be soon if you keep talking shit about me online...its not hard to find out where people live off the internet, just remember that.
so my point it to keep your fucking mouth shut, and if you talk shit about me i will find out.
this isn�t even a fucking joke.

What? WHAT WAS THAT? Sorry I must have misheard, I thought I heard a giant faggot mouthing off at me with something he sure as fuck could never back up, but it must have just been my imagination. Because after I imagined hearing that, I proceeded to imagine how good it would feel to break that persons fucking spinal cord over my knee. I imagined how my next step is usually to rip out one of the persons fucking ribs and jab it straight through their nose into their brain cavity. I imagined pulling that rib back out, and then brainfucking that dead faggot through the new massive hole in his face I created.
But I didn't really hear anything, right? no one would be fucking dumb enough to talk to me like that on here.

you feel like punching me in the face? bring it on you faggot. NOBODY calls me a nigger and gets away with it. I know multiple fighting styles, and I also carry a switchblade with me at all times. Something fucking tells me that you'd be better off keeping your arms down at your sides. If you can't fucking put "cause" and "effect" together in that pathetic brain of yours, I'll help you out here. You'll be standing face to face with me, and let me fucking tell you, it'll already be too fucking late to back down at that point. You might decide "well shit, I might as well stay true to my word and throw a fucking punch". This is where you will go wrong. I hope you don't have a job that requires two fucking hands, because you're going to be missing one after I'm done with you. I'll casually divert your fist off to the side, as you suddenly realize you may have gotten yourself into something you can't back up. You'll try to regroup and pull your arm back, but that wont be easy when I jab my spear-pointed Benchmade switchblade straight through the bone in your forearm, and proceed to rip your entire fucking forearm and hand off in one quick pull. At this point, you'll probably spend 2 seconds in shock. I say 2 seconds, because thats the amount of time you'll have before I reverse the knife in my hand, and uppercut it straight through your throat. You'll spend your last few seconds gurgling blood, and wondering where you went wrong. After that, I'll be forced to take care of any witnesses who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Nothing a few quick choke slams can't fix, followed by a nice gentle slice across the jugular with the Benchmade.

Now, motherfucker, you sure you want to go through with that punch?

http://ethugtxt.com/text/popular/usually-when-people-talk-shit-i-just-brush-it-off-but-now-its-gone-
a-little-to-far-assclown-you-talk-as-you-know-me-but-in-reality-you-dont-know-shit-about-me-im-guess
ing-youve-never-been-in-a-situation-involving-a-real-live-thug-that-was-born-and-raised-

I just got done playing one of the most HORRIFIC video games ever.
You aren't given any sort of back story to this game at all. As soon as you press play it throws you right into the game. However, I was able to piece together what the story basically is through finally beating this little brick shitter. Apparently you're a mad man, We're never given the name but you can guess at what is if you pay attention to the title screen. For some reason you escaped from what ever mental hospital room you were hiding in. Now, the very horrid state of your mind has transformed the halls of the hospital into nothing but a pitch black maze with the only light being the walls, which glow a deathly blue.
You're character is apparently some type of mad cannibal that you can barely control. You can force him to turn corners in the creepy hallway but not much else can be done. Your character seems to grab anything and try to eat it, whatever is in front of him he throws it into his mouth and munches it down.
While playing the game you're being chased by four hideous phantoms. You cannot hurt them at all, and to come even close to one is an instant death in which the ghost latches onto you and rips you inside out, all while you hear the horrible deathening noise of your body being torn.
You can however, eat these odd objects hidden in the maze. After which your character goes into an even more unstable state. You can literally eat the ghosts. Your character runs right up to them and devours them, only leaving their eyes.
There aren't many word words to describe how horrific and terrifying this game is, and I don't want to spoil the surprises for you.

odile:claire
kedro:diomande
franck:nchofpwd
florence:amour
kafolodie:fatou
test:test
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http://jm_bidjo:H@ppy2009
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mathieuasquet@yahoo.fr:magameli
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sidibakao@yahoo.fr:nadioma
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services.immo@yahoo.fr:23041966
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yakoupar@yahoo.fr:yakp25
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Ayereby:paule
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constantkouman@consultant.com:abissa2
lucienkouassi@hotmail.fr:05644660
vetch:enolagay
kouaoayebi@hotmail.fr:modelage
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julienassari@yahoo.fr:poetes
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nonkpin_eman@yahoo.fr:valerie
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usmansanneh:cankuzo51
JAF:justine
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anika:wwxxcv55b
guy05004004:affaires1
fouatii15:wilfried91
moryba_s@yahoo.fr:massey
fulgencebrou:patrick100*
noel.koffi:7cwsKibr01
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rikytan:kouassi
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ettienkro2007:123
mauricekouassi@aviso1.ci:181948
mérari:mignon2010
sergecoulibaly:sc001+k
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wogninmelan@yahoo.fr:290173
lob:07700640
ehueni_germain:gake31
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jasy@cnra.ci:123456
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ingrichy@yahoo.fr:08131961
michelange:amiwin
ange farelle:angefarelle
anges:amours
becky:270573
benakafou@yahoo.fr:angeliab
Eben_ezer:1stargate
Ebenezer:1stargate
Abouattier:1stargate
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RTIA:klaure
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66366012:03438020
flipo:flipos
ahoulou:ahoulou
alan_beug@yahoo.fr:351978
odilesarass:odile
fedora:ahcene
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sam:à-ààà-è(
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Bonita:melson
lia:monhya
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dongon:28/12/71
Guillaume:claverie
jegnifi:myjesus
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dogbo:ayaovi
oumies:adjaro
mandhi:keita
aplogan:thierry10
yann:yann
amtechnology:emmanuel2005
bonijoel:Seminaire
koumaxime:affoua
k_augustin71:tine28
kiltan68:adassa
miyego1:c25m02
miyego1@yahoo.fr:c25m02
le pkb:chouchou
zanty:01020304
yahoo:44413306
BOUADI JEROME EHONIA:EHONIA
doumbis:azerty
olimarc77:enjesus77
kadyra:yeboua
iivoirus:zoblazo
aroun:nani
dopa:selahh
ridjal:prince
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jeanpaul:pablito
2009:konhevea
zouzoua:babalou
otyde:emmanuel
faustou:1122
skouadiosimon@yahoo.fr:08855151
anderko:cnraanderko
ange gabriel:kawili89
koffi:eugene
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dev:lavieestbelle
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BETHANIE:fapb
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Dshamidou:abeillette
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jalexishu:fjazhu
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http://berko:oce@ne
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yaofieni:YFproduitsrecherche
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kalain12@yahoo.fr:mannou
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assiemab@yahoo.fr:111488
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Kzino:orleane
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akb:michelle
kouassi_emmanuel:sauter
Bakusta:florence
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fredy:250789
Popositagro:cnpops0910r
severino1:kks3691
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almamy:bondoukou
akessaman@yahoo.fr:ak1976
bob_the_tough@hotmail.com:cnra
fsouley:07669442
bazoum:zoumse
zdyk:sharronhamilton
mienthy:saintete
akafly:elvice
Popagro:agripops
bavazouman@yahoo.fr:ousmane
hyacinthe.nguessan:victoire
ngoran:amelie
atchuelou2010:seigneur75
purchaser77:Tavaux
abriand@aviso.ci:xelaz
fama:fini
konianmagloire@yahoo.fr:nfally
kpanigo:maticool1
hobrou:EPHRAIM
zanty:1968
Akichi:Elephant
mbango:animateur
1960:planteur
lindsey:djatekou1
bolikuyo:digbeu
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http://beko:oce@ne
dally:digbey
lazare:amoriel
cnra\adopo:anibeakede
moronou:511982
dydy:acange
BOB:priska
Consultant:sim2010
Etudiant:sim2010
inzdiabate:cedric
diabate:ahoua
technicien supérieur agricole:erasud
senatte:docteur221268
kané55:511982
maxwell:maxwellgauss
ahauty:bimikeu
roger:roger1965
jeanne12:081985
chocobebe:chercheur
assastephane:succes
jmatt:152006
diby:sky0017
MAXI:060890
wawayou:national
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ahaangel2000:ange1976
ksiegerard:malick,
konan:1966
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TEKIDIA:DI654321
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h.kouadio:worsth
zokoyves:charles
kpoirier:7mai54
rickyci:Carpediem123
letycoon:02021976
saya:1234
BOAH:66820750
Biaho:ELOHIMRICHESSE
akoua:agnibilekrou
b2009:agronomie
patriciasahe01@aviso1.ci:V3sekFOE
adep:akimbi
cissericardo:pascale
moutoubou:panamah
koscine:05883767
bla:1136
FARMER:mamann
assoi:OMNASC
planteur:béni
albert:salekro
constant:1967
Seh:agathe
seone:mariam
adjo:police
OKCNRA:prodbio
Atia:shalom
traoreseydoo:feriman
reel:offensive
gnagbsonn:armelle01
tehino:tehino
jannette:audrey
JENNIFER:AUDREY
tara:2o0e1e7a2a
GUIEMBE:belma
olivierkbb:kbbjgo0503
bakary:calimero
sanogo:kady
laubouetjusteb@yahoo.com:ryan2007
sinusabidjan:220482
steven:nfila
jarden:anthony1990
asdtano:cnracnra
chubou:moriba
barack:2244
barack:22442244
kabe:motdepasse

http://cnra.ci/fichetech/htpasswd.htpasswd

Come on guys, lets take a step back and look at what we're doing. Look at how much money you're costing for the pizza places, and whatever else you decide to send to this innocent girls house. Imagine being the owner of that pizza place, and making $50 worth of pizza, only to have the delivery guy walk back to your place telling you that they didn't order it... Now you've just been robbed of $50 from some random assholes on the internet. Now take a step back and put yourself in this girls shoes. Imagine scrolling through your favorite image board only to fine multiple thread striping you from all your information. Sending pizzas to your house, strippers, ect. How would this make you people feel? Would you want the whole world to know where you live, where you work, and have multiple people you don't even know/associate with attempt to strip you from your own job? How would it feel to walk into the very place you worked for within the last two years only to have your boss walk you right out the door telling you that you are no longer allowed to work there because of a simple mistake you've made on the internet? All you assholes are doing is making fools of yourself. You're ruining the reputation that /b/ has gathered within the last seven years. People used to love this place, but now everyone is scared that if they make one wrong post, or post one image without censoring the right areas, that the people of /b/ will dox their entire profile, and end up sending all sorts of shit to their house just for the 'luls'.This is an absolute disgrace, and I hope every last one of you fuckers gets some sort of punishment for this.

Karma is a bitch, isn't it

You think that's strange? Back in college my linguistics professor had a long-running, optional assignment in which any student attending the school could participate. We were allowed to work on it for the entire four-year span in which we attended, and could turn it in for a mysterious and unexplained "extraordinary credit bonus" at any point in time before the last four weeks of our senior year. We were to make our best attempt at creating our own language, and learn to speak it well enough to carry on a detailed conversation with him on stage at a free assembly to be attended by any current or former student or faculty members who wished to come.
Well, I was never one to back down from a challenge, so I started working on my language that same night. I finished the assignment six weeks before graduation, turned in the requested language bible I had created, and spent the next few weeks preparing for the coming conversational exam extravaganza. The day came, and there were hundreds of people in attendance. The professor took the stage and explained the premise of the exercise to everyone, then introduced me to a round of applause. Nervous, but determined, I made my way to the stage.
I had expected this exercise to simply consist of him asking me various questions in English and me replying in my language; I was leveled, however, when he began the conversation by speaking fluently in my created tongue. The conversation went as follows:
Him: "Ror grubburg, mossom non lil tomot dud. Ses nin?" (Good morning, my favorite student of all. Are you ready to begin?) Me: "Oho ror grubburg, klinenilk. Ses." (Good morning to you as well. I am.) Him: "Ses ror asasa hoh ririr ana gooloog momom sis dered ini sopa?" (Are you aware that I found this language of yours on the 'sopa'?) Me: "Istsi sunus sopa? Roor goonoog non ses isi dodod lel boddob reder gooloog." (What is a 'sopa'? That word does not exist in my language."
From here on I will just type what we said translated into English.*
Him: "The sopa is a worldwide system of computers and servers connected by data transmission cables. The sopa enables its users to communicate and share files and information with each other over long distances." Me: "Oh... That." Him: "The sopa is also where last year I, under a pseudonym, published a manual--much like this one of yours--designed to teach readers how to speak a language invented by me which features only words that are palindromes."
Yeah, I thought I was slick copying from the internet back in the early days when you almost always got away with it. And not only did I get caught, it turns out I had accidentally stolen the work of the same professor who gave me the assignment. I had found the manuscript on the net and spent the last four years becoming fluent in this language, the existence of which I had believed no one else could have possibly discovered. The audience had no idea what we were saying; though, they had to have known I was feeling very nervous and embarrassed about something. Sweaty, nervous, and knowing the jig was up, I decided to continue the conversation in hopes that he at least would not let everyone in attendance know what I had done.
Me: "So, if 'sopa' means 'the internet', why is not a palindrome?" Him: "Because it's an acronym for 'ses oo pep arapepooses', which means 'You win the prize."
It turned out the whole assignment had been a trap he set years ago in an attempt to trick some clever-yet-lazy student into not only learning to speak his made-up palindrome language fluently, but also to serve as a school-wide example of how the coming internet boom would soon make the act of plagiarizing material for college assignments all but impossible. I marveled at his genius and or insanity. The man invented an entire language based on an arbitrary and bizarre rule for the sole purpose of an endgame that not only might never occur, but, if seen to fruition, would end up costing him tons of money. The professor, still speaking our secret language, then informed me the SOPA prize was a full-honors recommendation to any university of my choosing, with my whole first year's tuition, housing and supplies paid in full by the professor himself.
As I stood there trying to pick up my jaw from the floor, he explained everything to the audience--the genesis of his plan, the trials of creating the language, how I fell for the trap, our conversation on stage, and my prize for being the now multilingual butt of his joke. They loved it. Everyone was cheering and a bunch of my friends started chanting my name, which spread over the whole audience. It was one of the greatest moments I had ever experienced.
After the show ended, the professor took me out to lunch. As we sat there eating a king's feast at a restaurant much fancier than any I had ever seen before, a thought occurred to me. I asked him, "Did you really plan this whole thing in advance? I mean, is that why you created that language in the first place; or did you create the language, then later on hatch this idea to use it for this assignment?" He stared at me blankly for a few moments, then replied, "You can't stop the internet, Steve." I said, "Huh? My name's not Steve, it's..." Before I could finish, his eyes started rolling in the back of his head, and he went into convulsions.
Panicked, I went over to him to try and help him, not knowing what I should be doing. He stopped convulsing and told me everything was okay--that every once in a long while he would have some kind of fit like that. Right before one happened he would become confused and briefly lose touch with reality; but everything would return to normal after a minute or so. Relieved, I sat down and asked him the question again. He never answered. He just stared out of the window and sipped his wine.
I thought maybe he was about to have another fit. He just sat there staring off in complete silence, as if I had not been there. After about ten straight minutes of this awkwardness, I started to realize I had been had. This old son of a bitch had been playing games with me. There was no paid tuition. There was no prize at all. This was just some old weirdo with a brain condition that made him fuck with people. I had just been bamboozled by a sociopath who was now sitting across from me pretending I was a ghost.
I had gotten myself so worked up that I was just seconds away from flipping over the table and screaming obscenities at the crazy asshole. At the last moment, I stopped myself, thinking it better to just walk away than to make things worse by falling into whatever sick endgame he might have planned that involved him using mind-games to make me so angry that I would assault him in public, go to jail, be raped by people in there he paid with cartons of cigarettes, and so on and on.
I found out later that night that all of that was just in my head. Trying to make sense of his bizarre behavior, I had let myself slip into having thoughts even more bizarre than anything I had experienced that day. He came to my dorm at about 9 PM and proved to me that he wasn't just some crazy, old man. He was, in fact, a rapist. And he raped me. Over and over, he raped me. He raped me until I completely blocked out the last four years of my life to ensure I would never remember anything about this hours-long raping. He raped me so hard my brain actually invented a full four year's worth of fake memories to hide this incident behind. And to this day I still can't recall anything that happened to me during those four years; though, I do remember being raped repeatedly on that cold, dark September night.
Every year on that night I sit outside looking at the moon--wondering if maybe somewhere out there, someone is being raped on the moon, or raped by a moon, or just a good old-fashioned guy named Steve, who had the good sense to take his raping operation to the moon, where cops can't go yet because flying cop cars is a silly thought, and they would use too much fuel to justify their existence. Good for you, Steve. Rape 'em good, boy. Rape 'em for me.
--The Professor

we are only beginning to witness the powerful possibilities of this board

Holy fuck, /INSERT BOARD HERE/. I actually did it. I've stumbled upon the only surefire to cure roneriness. No, I'm not talking about unhelpful bullshit like "man up," I'm talking about a very simple step-by-step process to completely and utterly cure your roneriness and I guaran-FUCKING-tee you've never heard this shit before, because I just fucking found out about it. And you can fucking start RIGHT THIS MOMENT.

MASSIVE POST coming up really fucking soon. Stay tuned.


PART 1 OF 6
Okay, so how did I stumble upon this fucking surefire way to cure roneriness? I was just looking at how there are some guys are incredibly shy and not confident, yet somehow get a girlfriend. I was also looking at guys who are really mean and arrogant, yet also get girlfriends. I was ALSO looking at guys who are really ugly, yet ALSO get girlfriends. And of course, I was looking at guys who are rich, famous, or incredibly good looking and how they regularly get girlfriends. Now looking at each case, you will probably rationalize why each guy is somewhat successful with women. But there is a common thing among all of them, and it's not confidence (remember one of the examples was guys who weren't even confident).

It's not obvious at all. You can spend hours and not figure it out. It was just sheer luck that I figured it out today.

Once I figured out what that common thing was, the pieces started falling into place. I actually took a notepad and started scribbling this shit down. I created a massive mind map. After almost two hours of building this mind map and analyzing what I just stumbled upon, I got a clear picture on how to actually cure roneriness. Note that this only works for guys; inb4 girls can never feel ronery, even if they COULD feel ronery, it still wouldn't work for women, and when you see the steps laid out you'll realize why.

cont'd...


PART 2 OF 6
STEP 1: Understand that every single guy who is EVER successful with women has a common thread. If you actually look closely, it's not obvious. But it's there. The rich guy has money, right? Well he has something else. The ugly guy has confidence (or money lol), right? Well he has something else. The asshole has a hot body, right? Well he has something else.

What these guys do and have is not even intentional. Most guys are just born with it. Others make it, but don't realize that it will basically help them get women. Sure, confidence helps. Sure, money helps. Sure, good looks help. Sure, fame helps. Sure, power helps. But even these things have something in common. No, it's not what you're thinking.

Once you have this understanding, the rest of the steps are easy.

cont'd...

PART 3 OF 6
STEPS 2 AND 3: Once you actually understand what the common thread among all these guys is, you have to make that change in your life. Understanding is the most important step, that's why it's the first. But this is the most difficult step, and if you fail here, you can't go on to Step 4. Step 2 is making the plan and executing it. Step 3 is the difficult part. Step 3 is incorporating these changes into your life and making them actually apart of you. In the absolute simplest terms, in Step 2 you're "faking it" before Step 3 where you "make it."

Next post I'm going to elaborate on what exactly that common thread among all these guys is and how exactly you can execute Steps 2 and 3 so you can make the change. Remember, I'm giving you a step-by-step process, not some vague "man up" bullshit. After that, I'm going to go on to Step 4 which is really easy but essential. Steps 5 and 6 are optional, since if you make it to Step 4, you'll already have exactly what you need to get a girlfriend.

cont'd...

PART 4 OF 6

So what IS the common thread? Well, to tell you that I have to start with how I discovered it. Remember, I was doing like a whole mind map thing where I literally connected the dots and made associations. But how could I find out what the common thread was among all these different guys? I started by listing out their traits, all of them. I tried connecting them between the different guys, making connections, but I noticed that while there were some commonalities between certain guys, there was nothing common between them all. There was no common thread.

Or so I thought. But I found a better way to analyze it.

Quite simply, I used myself as a "control." I used the average roneryfag on the various boards as "controls." Because the common thread that exists within this diverse group of men who are successful with women WILL NOT EXIST in our diverse group of men who fail with women. In other words, you know that common thread? We have our own common thread that is the exact opposite of what they have. Being able to compare both groups, the winners (them) and the losers (us), I very quickly found out what the common thread was. That's how I fucking figured it out.

Next part, I explain the exact moment I understood what the "common thread" was. Seriously, I could just point it out and within an hour half of you will get it and realize the steps yourselves. But I'm laying out all the steps for you, the way I see them.

cont'd....

PART 5 OF 6

There IS a common thread.

But take a thread and rub the tip with your fingers. Do you not see multiple strands that make that thread?

The common thread has multiple strands. No, six pack abs are not a fucking strand. A lot of money is not a fucking strand. It's much more basic and much more important than that. No, I actually do not know what each of the strands are, but I do know that this isn't a troll. Or is it? Maybe in your fury, your frustration, the hour and a half or so that you've been sitting on your computer, pushing F5, checking back on this thread, you've enlightened yourself (whether or not you choose to see it) as to what strands of the "common thread" you're missing.

There is no Part 6. Take this moment to actually look at yourself. Really look at yourself, and I don't mean in the mirror. Or you can just continue to shitpost, exclaim "EPIC TORLL" or get mad just because I didn't have that silver bullet to kill that demon inside you. The demon that frays and cuts the very thread that can make you who you want to be. The same demon you've been tackling all these years, whether you are aware of it or not.

Ok /b/ so here is the situation

I have been keeping and saving any and all spiders I find running around my house. I keep them alive in little tuba wear containers and drop in crickets or whatever random feeder bugs I find at the local petsmart. Anyway,

I recently have erected a spider battle arena out of cardboard and sugar cubes. I have about 22 spiders in surplus and plan to make them do one on one combat in a tournament of epic proportions. The loser is devoured by the winner and the winner becomes stronger. He then lives on to do battle against the next opponent. Whichever spider is left standing after the other 21 have died will go on to the final round. There is a prey mantis I bought at the vivarium named Charley. The final spider gladiator will do battle with Charley the mantis. If the spider actually manages to beat Charley he will be declared the king of spider land and flushed down the toilet afterwards.

/g/, every morning I wake up and I turn on my computer. I put my sunglasses on because the light hurts my eyes. I put on my typing gloves. I connect to the internet web through 8 proxies and then I hack until sundown. I'm probably the best hacker I know; I've hit banks, schools, doctors offices, oil tanks, farms, FedEx, Walmart, KFC, grocery stores. You name it, I probably hacked into it. I even have it set up where I can see the grocery transactions in my term window as they happen. I have 6 monitors hooked up in parallel, plus 1 digital eye piece that projects stats onto my eye. There's only one drink I know, and that's Jolt. Right after I'm finished hacking for the day, I read this and then fall asleep knowing I'm probably the most elite hacker on Earth, totally unstoppable:

"This is our world now... the world of the electron and the switch, the beauty of the baud. We make use of a service already existing without paying for what could be dirt-cheap if it wasn't run by profiteering gluttons, and you call us criminals. We explore... and you call us criminals. We seek after knowledge... and you call us criminals. We exist without skin color, without nationality, without religious bias... and you call us criminals. You build atomic bombs, you wage wars, you murder, cheat, and lie to us and try to make us believe it's for our own good, yet we're the criminals."

You could start by climbing the ledges and climbing down into the Pit of Despair. Crawl through the pit, then race into the Throne Room. Sit on the Throne of the Pretender, and you could choose to go up into Medusa's Lair, where you can grab the heart-shaped pillow. OR you might journey into the Treacherous Swamp! If you escape, you might have a chance to enter the Dark Forest. Reach into the hole and find the key, but be careful, one of the trees could be inhabited by the spirit of a temple guard. If they grab you, you'll have to give up a pendant of life. Next, plow through the wall and into the Mine Shaft. Ride the elevator up into the Viper's Nest and pull the snakes from the jars to open the door to The Shrine of the Silver Monkey. Assemble the statue and you may be headed to the King's Storeroom. Smash the clay pots to find the key, which will allow you into the Observatory. Put together the puzzle on the stone column and jump back into the Pit. Then, pass through the crypt, race down the stairs, and back to the temple gate. The choices are yours and yours alone.

You are going to like this, /b/. True story, original content. It was the end of 8th grade, and my best friend threw a little party because his parents were away for a couple days. What kind of party can a 8th grader throw, you know? So only about 7 people showed up. 6 dudes...1 girl.

Just as you would expect, some crazy shit happened. This girl was a freak. She was all "scene", but hot as hell. She would always have that seductive look on her face... the kind that gets you aroused just by looking at her. We were all good friends in school, but never really chilled outside of it. We were all about 14, and really sexually inexperienced. This girl however, has fucked at least 20 different guys. From the moment she walked in the house, we could tell what she wanted.

Lost in her desire, she began to grind up on the host. They made out for about 10 mins, but this girl wanted more. She made us all go into the host's room, and play a modified version of spin the bottle. Basically, instead of just making out, she would decide what to do with the guy. At first we were shy, but pretty soon we all started to jack off while the girl did whatever she pleased.

The situation quickly escalated. She was getting fucked in turns, by 3 different guys, fighting over her pussy like the kids that they were. I would've joined them, but then she waved me to come over. My dick was probably the hardest its ever been. Sticking straight out, and pulsating; I felt like it was gonna explode. To my surprise, she grabbed it and just stuck it in her mouth without warning. I had never had my dick sucked before, but let me tell you, it was amazing.

Game as it was, I was ready to cum in seconds. I didn't know what to do, so I asked her where I should blow my load. And at that moment, she said something I will never forget. She turned to me and said, "read the first word of each paragraph."

-An underwater level in space with reversed controls.
-Escort mission that you cannot shoot the escorted person or any children.
-During the escort mission children saunter out of the bushes directly into your line of fire, all the while the person you are escorting weaves in and out of your line of fire screaming things such as "DON'T SHOOT ME, SARGE!" "JESUS GRAVY!" and "HOLY DICK NUGGETS! I'VE BEEN HIT!" all in the voice of Gomer Pyle.
-All enemies are dressed as children.
-Any time you are shot a cut scene starts. The camera zooms in on the wounded body part and replays you being shot three times in three different angles in bullet-time.
-The game automatically sets your controller's rumble feature to "maximum rumblage" and "constantly on."
-No pause.
-No reset.
-If the game detects a rumble controller, it breaks it
-All levels are timed including untimed levels.
-All timers begin at 10 minutes. When the timer reaches 7 minutes it begins beeping every second. The beeping is in the sound of a bicycle horn.
-Every timer begins 3 minutes before the level starts.
-At the end of every level you must refight every boss you have previously defeated.
-All levels are filled with bosses you have previously defeated.
-All damage done while wearing shoes will be reduced by half.
-Your character has no feet.
-Enemies respawn immediately after death, sometimes right behind you...with their gun drawn and pointed at the back of your head.
-One head shot kills you.
-If shoes are worn on your hands, you die.
-Anytime an enemy appears "WARNING" flashes in big red letters across the screen and sirens go off for half an hour.
-The siren noises overlap each other.
-The attack button and jump button are the same.
-When underwater, the oxygen bar always blends in with the surrounding water.
-All water is acid.
-Each level is equivalent to 12 miles of walking distance.
-Your character is in a wheelchair.
-There is a 1 out of 2 chances your wheelchair will get a flat by running over ground. If the wheelchair does get a flat, you must get out and push.
-98% of all levels are uphill; the other 2% is covered in landmines.
-If you find a landmine by stepping on it, you die. If you find a landmine and walk around it, you die.
-All enemies are riding boat/jeep hybrids that can fly. If you try to drive/navigate/fly one, it will run out of gas and explode on impact even if nothing was hit.
-The jump button and crouch button are the same.
-All enemies carry automatic laser guided rocket launchers with adjustable scope.
-You carry a shovel.
-When killed, an enemy will drop their gun.
-Any gun you pick up, other than your shovel, will not have ammo in it.
-Ammo can be bought at ammo supply stores.
-Ammo supply stores are unlocked after beating the game.
-The crouch button and �erase all data� button are the same.
-At the beginning of every level the game restarts.
-When above water, the oxygen bar always blends in with the surrounding air.
-All air is acid.
-In the 26th level you are accompanied by six other teammates.
-All teammates are equipped with a grappling hook that can only be fired at fellow teammates.
-To save the game you must press all buttons at once in rhythm with whatever music is playing at the time.
-All music is written by Aphex Twin.
-The opening cut scene is over 12 hours long and cannot be skipped. At the end of the cut scene there will be a quiz. The quiz consists of 235 questions and 110% is required to pass. If you do not pass, the game resets itself.
-All questions are timed.
-At the end of every level the opening cut scene replays.
-During the cut scene your controller and power button is disabled. If you attempt to unplug the console the game becomes self-aware.
-All cut scenes will be voiced by Japanese voice-actors who speak no English.
-All cut scenes are in English.
-The game automatically turns any and all volume settings on high.
-All NPCs scream constantly.
-NPCs will speak without being spoken to. When more than one NPC is speaking, your console will shut off.
-At the end of the game your character wakes up.
-Last level is impossible to finish
-Snipers everywhere.
-If someone sees you, you die.
-Invisible enemies.
-You can't jump.
-At the beginning of every level, you fight a tonberry.
-This game has two difficulty settings, easy and normal. Anybody that chooses normal will be shocked with 10,000 volts through the controller.
-Each level consists of a teleporter maze.
-There will randomly be a scripted boss fight that is impossible to win.
-You must lose this boss fight in order to advance the plot.
-The aforementioned boss fight will be against a different enemy and at a different point in the storyline each time you play the game.

Released December 21, 2012. Xbox 360 only. Game comes with no case, only a code. This code allows you to go to Gaemstop and pay another 60$ for the second code. This code takes you to Best Buy. There you talk to "Harry" and he gives you your disk.
It will be in perfect condition, except the disk art, which has a perfect circle on it, as if a knife had cut into it. You have to pay Harry 120$ for your next code, and to get the code from the box, you have to send a picture of you holding the game and 300$ to the developers. You can't pirate the game, otherwise your 360 RRoD's instantly.

>going to the theater alone

I did this, ONCE.

I showered, shaved my beard. I got dressed in my nicest clothes and headed down to the theater.
>"One ticked to Soul Surfer, thank you, miss."
>"Sorry, we don't sell single tickets."
I thought to myself,
>Well, this is bizarre, but I guess.
>"Two tickets to Man of Steel then, please."
>"I can't sell you another ticket, if I know you're going to just throw it away."
>"Please, I don't have anyone to go with and I want to see the movie."
She obliged, she felt sorry for me.

I went to the counter to buy some popcorn.
>"Sir, can I get a large popcorn and one drink?"
>"Just one drink?.. And a large popcorn? That's a lot of popcorn for someone seeing the movie alone."
>"h-huh, yeah, uh-hh, I guess it is."
Then, he told the girl squirting on the butter,
>"Go light on the butter, he's eating it ALL by himself."
She chuckled.

I got into the theater and I found a seat. Everything was going well, other than a few looks back from a mother two rows up, everything seemed fine.
After the previews, she turned around and asked, "Are you here by yourself?"
I said, "yeah."
Then she turned to her kids and said,
>"See that man back there, he's alone."
>"He's who I'm referring to when I say, don't talk to strangers."
The kids giggled and began talk with what I can assume were their friends.
I could hear them whispering to each other, then they pointed back and me and laughed.
One of the kids turned to an adult and said something that I couldn't make out.
The adult got up and walked out of the theater.
About ten minutes later an usher walked down and stood beside my seat. The houselights came on and then a voice on the microphone said,
>"My name is Michael Shane and I'm the owner of the Cineplex Cinema. We like to run a family-friendly establishment and we DO NOT tolerate people watching films by themselves."




The usher said, "I think it's best if you go, sir."
At first I hesitated, but then the other theater go-ers started murmuring.
>"Just get lost, loser."
>"Can't you see that you're not wanted here?"
>"OMG, is he gonna shoot us?"
As I got up to leave, someone threw a soda at me.
It hit me in the front of my pants and it made it appear as though I had wet myself. I hadn't.
I put my head down and headed for the exit and they kept shouting,
>"Get out of here, weirdo!"
>"Creep!" "Freak!"
I was in tears as I reached the front exit door.
>"Hey, mister." A kid said in the front row.
>"Did you piss your pants?"
Before I could respond he shouted, "THIS FAGGOT PISSED HIS PANTS!"
The theater erupted with laughter, "He pissed his pants!" "HAHAHA" "What a faggot!"
I couldn't open the door, I kept pushing, but it wouldn't open.
It finally opened after I shoved my shoulder into it and I escaped into the parking lot.
I ran to my car, tears running down my face and my pants covered in soda.

>taking my TV license test
>so far so good, instructor seems impressed
>watching show about an interracial family
>accidentally sneeze while the muslim father is teaching his half-paki children about the quran
>hand slips and hits button on the remote, changing the channel
>instructor looks horribly offended
>fails me on the spot for my lack of racial tolerance
>have to wait a year before I can take my test again
>put on public government watch list for racists

Im just going to ramble here for a moment about the you think is to old for games.

It's basically by 30, you have a 9 to 5, maybe a wife/husband that you like to spend time with and friends that you meet after work or other times. By around 30-35 or so, you don't really have all the time you do now as a Uni student or full NEET. You work all day and come home, prepare dinner and sit down with your family, after you sit around for a little, you could fit some time for your hobby here, but you also have to get to bed early cause waking up early for more work, you may have kids that need some help with some mundane shit and most likely your wife will want some time with you watching the latest soap opera on TV, not everyday, but most of the time, say 3/5 days Monday to Friday.

Weekend will most likely be sleep in, house work and chores, shopping for food, Plenty of time there, but with work, you may have to do some more around time and time again to not get fired, spend time with the kids as they're most likely young.

You have the time, but really, do you? 
You have so much more to deal with your working and living and all the constraints that come with that independence.

You're never to old to play vidya, you just grow out of the time that you had as a 20 y/o uni student.

>On Dustbowl server
>Some guy sprays a fat woman with shit all over her, mainly madded in her hair and face
>Stare in disgust
>The guy who sprayed it notices me staring at his spray
>"Hey anon, I can show you where you can watch that woman if you want. She does a webcam strip every Saturday night."
>"O-oh no, t-that is quite a-alright."
>"Its no trouble, really anon."
>He adds me to his friends list
>Every Saturday night for 3 weeks we watch the fat woman strip and rub her own shit on her body
>One day I finally work up the nerve to tell the guy I don't like watching the fat woman rub shit on herself naked
>"Well why didn't you say something before, anon?"
>He leaves steam chat and removes me from his friends list
>Join the Dustbowl server a few days later
>Same guy is in the server
>"Oh hey anon, fuck you."
>Kicked
>Reason: Bastard

>Why don't videogames keep me happy anymore?
Because you're old enough to realize that you can't stay in your room forever. You long to be productive, but your life won't allow you to pursue what you're interested in, so you hide - hiding from responsibility. You don't want to socialize because people your age are either in a relationship, have a good job, or are more active socially so you can't relate to them. You end up looking like a loser to them.
Not to mention the expectations of your parents or friends that you find impossible to live up to. You're falling behind, waiting for something to magically happen to make your life better. (or anything) is no longer giving you satisfaction because your life is beginning to stagnate and you are aware of this

Omg (″･ิ_･ิ)っ-̾ Ive been there and I absolutely luuuv ಠ_ృ Japan ( ﾟ 3ﾟ)~♪ and my fav is hokkaido and the akikabura shops!!!!! Okies so anyways, im going to tell you about the BEST day of my life when I landed on the hot country of japan!! ｷﾀ━━━━━━━━(ﾟ∀ﾟ)━━━━━━━━━ OMFGZ IT WAS SOOOOO FREAKIN moe IN PERSON!!! Supa moe desu!!!!!!!! ｷﾀ━━━━━━━━(ﾟ∀ﾟ)━━━━━━━━━ｯ!

When I walked onto Tokyo street looked up and saw&KATAKANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ｷﾀ━━━━━━━━(ﾟ∀ﾟ)━━━━━━━━━ｯ!!!!

KONNICHIWA OMGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ SUPA SUPA SUPA MOE KATAKANA-KUN!!!!! I yelled then I could read it perfectly!!

it said juice (｡◕‿‿◕｡) and then I felt really japanese ( ≖‿≖) as I read it a store owner called out to me and let me because they thought I was fluent (・ω・)then pulled me behind into their maid cafe （￣へ￣） and started to serve me!!!!!! [OMG!!! ONE OF THE MAIDS CALLED ME HER MASTER!!! RLY!! (″･ิ_･ิ)っ-̾ （￣へ￣） (″･ิ_･ิ)っ-̾ ｷﾀ━━━━━━━━(ﾟ∀ﾟ)━━━━━━━━━ｯ then I saw some yakuza kisama bastard watching us and I could tell he was going to beat me up!!!!!!! （￣へ￣）; OMG I COULDNT BELIEVE IT EITHER!!! ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ] so I yelled UH UH BAKA NEKO IM BEING SERVED DO YOU WANT TO GET THROWN OUT BECAUSE THE MANAGER LET ME IN!!! ಠ_ృ then the owner gave me a peace sign (｡◕‿‿◕｡) and said he would get the girls to spit in his kohii!!!!!!! an guess wat!!!!!! he gave me a free meal!!!!!!! ** ~(・ω・)~ then I told him argiatou and he said my nihongo was totemo jouzu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nyaaaaa!!! ｷﾀ━━━━━━━━(ﾟ∀ﾟ)━━━━━━━━━ｯ

May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real mershviperX please stand up?
I repeat, will the real marshviperX please stand up?
We're gonna have a problem here...

Y'all act like you never seen a aspie before
Jaws all on the floor like Jobs, like Gates just burst in the door
and started trollin' his ass worse than before
they first were divorced, suing him over the desktop (Ahh!)
It's the return of the... "Ah, wait, no way, you're kidding,
he didn't just post what I think he did, did he?"
And lolicon said... nothing you idiots!
lolicon's dead, he's locked in my basement! (Ha-ha!)
Feminist women love Neckbeard,
"marshviper, I'm sick of him
Look at him, walkin around postin his you-know-what
Spamming the you-know-who," "At least he's not Wind?Girl though!"
Yeah, I probably got a couple of woodscrews in my head loose
But no worse, than what's goin on in Furryfag's basement
Sometimes, I wanna get on /g/ and just let loose, but can't
but it's cool for IN elite to hump the Weeaboos
"Fermi's on my lips, Fermi's on my lips"
And if I'm lucky, it won't have a twenty-percent miss
And that's the message that he delivers to poor kids
And expect them not to know what one-point-seven is
Of course they gonna know what pork shoulders is
By the time they buy from Newegg
They read Demerjian, don't they?
"We ain't nothin' but winfags..." Well, some of us macfags
who pay twice as much for the same hardware,
But if we can blow Steve Jobs through the iPhone
then there's no reason to switch from Firefox to Google Chrome (*Eeew*)
But if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote
Turtle wave your pantyhose, sing the chorus and it goes...

'Cause I'm marshviper, yes I'm the real viper
All you other marshvipers are just imitating
So won't the real marshviper please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

Torvalds don't gotta correct people on his kernel name;
well RMS does, I would just like to interjec for a moment...
You think I give a damn about AMD?
Half of you ricers don't use Intel for games, let alone folding
"But marsh, I have Windows and Common Sense '10!"
Why do you spend your parents money for the GAYMEN?
So you can, sit and post shitty threads all night?
Shit, you're never gonna get that desktop just right!
And your battlestation is still second to worst,
shoulda hid all the anime figures first
You little bitch, why do you spam with loli?
"Well, they're cute, but I'm not a pedo, hee-hee!"
I should download an e-book of S C I P
and show the whole world I achieved Satori (AHHH!)
I'm sick of you linux trendfags, all use is use unbuntu
when you should really install gentoo (bzzzt)
And there's a million of us just like me
the same trip as me; who use a real OS like me
who post like me; walk, talk and love cock like me
and just might be the next best thing but not quite me!

'Cause I'm marshviper, yes I'm the real viper
All you other marshvipers are just imitating
So won't the real marshviper please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

I'm like tech support to listen to, cause I'm only tellin'
you the truth here, and you should delete system 32
The only difference is I got the balls to say it
in front of y'all and I don't gotta be false or Anonymous at all
I just get on /g/ and post shit
and whether you like to admit it (*ERRT*) I act like an idiot
better than ninety percent of you tripfags out there
Then you wonder how can this many kids need their rigs rated?
It's funny; cause at this rate you wanna bet
I'll be the last person still payin' for usenet
I pretend it's not botnet when I use TinyXP
and wonder why I can't run games on an i3!
And every single person is a marshviper lurkin
He could be workin at best buy, jizzing on your hard drive
[*SPLAT*] Or in the geeksquad van,
Screaming "I love Skullcandy!"
While another posts laughinggirls.png
So, will the real viper please stand up?
And put one of those fingers on each hand up?
And be proud to be unemployed and a bad troll
and one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?

'Cause I'm marshviper, yes I'm the real viper
All you other marshvipers are just imitating
So won't the real marshviper please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

'Cause I'm marshviper, yes I'm the real viper
All you other marshvipers are just imitating
So won't the real marshviper please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

Ha ha
Guess there's a marshviperX in all of us
Fuck it, let's all stand up

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who has most of? xbox or playslater 3?
facts are :

1 - xbox more convenant for play but play more duration
2- price of sonybox is bigger
3- sony betray playgamer and humane alike
4- box collect dust and marmot
5- can carry playstate not xbox break backs and children
6- xbox coller design
7- take two consulate at beach none survive maybe playstate small 30% chance
8- main design for kid and dough eater
9- can stay stone at xbox but none for play
10- ps harbor criminal and use as fondue machine

i remember seeing a car load of dudes at a stop light, yelling at a woman who was also at the red light with me

i guess they were trying to subvert the whole "dudes yelling crude shit from cars" thing

so they were like "HEY, HEY, WHAT'S YOUR MAJOR?"

"uh... english?"

"NICE. I RESPECT THAT. I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU TO A CAFE, DISCUSS LITERATURE."
"YEAH YOU SEEM LIKE AN INTELLIGENT GIRL WITH GOOD FASHION SENSE"
"I'D INTRODUCE YOU TO MY MOTHER"

then they drove off

she was bewildered

i couldn't breathe



Mines not that strange its just me being me.
I was driving this gas powered golf cart in some woods and saw a turkey and almost shit myself because I thought it was a 
velociraptor.