A farmer is having troubles with his chickens; they're not laying eggs (as chickens are wont to do). He calls another farmer, who looks over the chicken coop for any abnormalities, but nothing strikes him. So the farmer calls a veterinarian. The vet examines all the ckickens, even dissects one of the recently deceased chickens, but can't solve the farmer's problem. In desparation, the farmer calls in a physicist. The physicist takes out a pen and paper, and starts scribbling equations and formulae madly. After half an hour, he looks up and says "I can solve your problem, but it'll only work for spherical chickens of defined mass in a vacuum."

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting in a café and notice people going into and coming out of the house across the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while, they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The physicist: "The measurement was not accurate."
The biologist: "They have reproduced."
The mathematician: "If one person enters the house, then it will be empty again."

an infinite number of mathematicians walked into a bar. the first one ordered a beer. the second one ordered half a beer. the third one ordered one fourth of a beer. The bartender inturrupted them and said "you guys are all giant faggots" and poured 2 beers.

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.

Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged – every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.

A dying mosquito exclaimed,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
The cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane

the thing about quantum physics jokes, is that you can never tell whether they're funny or not until you tell them

An architect, an engineer, and a physicist are all hired by a farmer to help him design a fence. He tells them, "I want to enclose the largest area using the least amount of materials." The architect draws a square. The engineer draws a circle. The physicist takes the engineer's circle and writes "outside" on the inside.

A chemist, a physicist and a biologist are walking along the beach. The physicist stops, looks out at the ocean and says "I just have to understand the motion of the waves better" and walks into the sea and never returns. The biologist looks out to the sea and says "I just have to understand the sea creatures better" and walks out into the ocean and never returns. The chemist pulls out a notebook and writes "Physicist and biologist both soluble."

An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher are taking a walk through the Scottish highlands when they come across a black sheep. The engineer blurts out "hey look, the sheep in Scotland are black!" The experimental physicist turns to him and says "some of the sheep in Scotland are black." The theoretical physicist, looking bemused, chuckles and says "actually, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." The philosopher, who had been kneeling to examine a flower, looks up and says "on one side, anyway."

David and John are in a bar and notice an eccentric, professor-like man sitting by the bar next to them. David is sure that the man is an astrophysicist, while John thinks he must be a botanist, and a small wager is started. When the man next goes to the bathroom, David follows him in and strikes up conversation at the urinal.

"Hi there" says David, "I hope you don't mind, but my friend and I are wondering what you do for a living."
"Oh, no problem at all, my good man!" replies the professor, "I'm a sociological logical reductionist" - seeing David's blank expression, he goes on: "Maybe I should clarify by means of an example. Tell me, my good sir, do you have a goldfish?"
"Yes, I do" replies David.
"May I enquire, is it in a fish tank, or a pond?"
"A pond"
"Then I can assume that you must have a reasonably large garden"
"That's right" agrees David.
"So by extrapolation, you have a large house?"
"Yes, it's a large five-bedroom house" says David.
"Therefore, you are reasonably wealthy?"
"You're right," nods David, "I'm not short for fetch!!!"
"Therefore, it is probable that you have no problems attracting women?"
"Right again" grins David, "My gorgeous blonde wife is at home preparing dinner as we speak."
"So," continues the professor, "One may assume that you enjoy regular sexual intercourse?"
David says "Yep, four times a week, if not more!"
"So," concludes the other man, "it is likely you have little or no need for masturbation?"
"You're right! I can't remember the last time I had one off the wrist" says David.
"So you see," says the professor, "By beginning at a seemingly innocuous starting point and following a logical progression, I can make accurate predictions at something as personal as your masturbatory habits"
"That's incredible! Thanks!" replies David, and heads back to the bar.

John says "So, what does the old fella do?"
"He's a sociological logical reductionist"
"What does one of them do?"
"Let me demonstrate," says David. "Do you have a goldfish?"
"No"
"John, you're a wanker"

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and a statistician are all staying at a hotel. In the middle of the night the engineer wakes up to find that his trashcan is on fire. He runs to the sink, fills his ice bucket with water and douses the flames. Then, just to be sure, he runs back to the sink, refills the bucket and dumps more water into the trashcan. With the fire out, he goes back to sleep.
A little while later, the trashcan in the physicist's room spontaneously breaks into flame, waking the physicist. He whips out his slide rule, does some calculations, then runs to the sink, fills his bucket with exactly .75 liters of water, and douses the flames. Having put out the fire, he goes back to sleep.
A few minutes later, the mathematician wakes up to see that his trashcan is on fire. He whips out a piece of paper, scrawls out some equations, then goes back to sleep, comfortable that a solution exists.
Meanwhile, the statistician is running from room to room lighting trashcans on fire -- he needed more samples. 

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
Because oct31 = dec25 

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked to review this mathematical problem. In a high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. The mathematician, physicist, and engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"
The mathematician said, "Never."
The physicist said, "In an infinite amount of time."
The engineer said, " Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes." 

Three statisticians go duck hunting. Their dog chases out a duck and it starts to fly. The first statistician aims and takes his shot, it misses a foot too high. The second statistician aims and takes his shot, it misses a foot too low. The third statistician says, "We got him!"

What do atomic cows say?
Muon

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

A helium walks into a bar,the bartender says: "sorry,we don't serve noble gases here",the gas didn't react

A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says "you can't come in here!" so the superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance.

A higgs-boson walks into a church. The priest says "we don't serve your kind here." The higgs-boson says "but without me, how can you have mass?"

These jokes are Bohr-ing.

Cal and Angle were best enemies that lived across town from each other and they both owned steakhouses. If you drive down highway a+b all the way to the n and you want a steak you will see a sign "Past Cal's try Angles"

To get to the other side.
Why did the tachyon cross the road?

A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."

If you need to figure out sqrt(10^2 - sqrt(7056)) who would you rather ask: michael jordan or tiger woods?
Tiger woods, because he would shout FOOOOOUR

1000 wafer biscuits = 1 kilogram crackers

I bar of gold walks into a silver only bar.
The bartender looks quite displeased and yells "Au get outta here!"

The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by. He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smiles, thinking to himself, "Dang, it’s great to be e^x. I’m real analytic everywhere. I’m my own derivative. I blow up faster than anybody and shrink faster too. All the other functions suck."
Lost in his own egomania, he collides with the constant function 3, who is running in terror in the opposite direction.
"What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you look where you’re going?" demands e^x. He then sees the fear in 3’s eyes and says "You look terrified!"
"I am!" says the panicky 3. "There’s a differential operator just around the corner. If he differentiates me, I’ll be reduced to nothing! I’ve got to get away!" With that, 3 continues to dash off.
"Stupid constant," thinks e^x. "I’ve got nothing to fear from a differential operator. He can keep differentiating me as long as he wants, and I’ll still be there."
So he scouts off to find the operator and gloat in his smooth glory. He rounds the corner and defiantly introduces himself to the operator. "Hi. I’m e^x."
"Hi. I’m d/dy."